How Did This Happen?
by seh28
Summary: Addison and Alex friendshiprelationship progression.
1. Chills in Elevators

Chapter 1: Chills in Elevators.

It was just too bad to be true. There was no way that she could continue on working at that hospital with the recent complete demise of everything aside from her career. Not only had she been bulldozed with the fact that her not-so-perfect marriage was over, really over because her ever successful, ever charming, ever nauseatingly vague husband couldn't keep away from his girlfriend. So she was done, done holding on to someone that didn't want to fight for what they had, for their history, so that maybe the future could be better. It was also completely too much to ask that her husband's ex-best friend, her ex-_something _take a second and rethink excepting a position as one of the head plastic surgeons at Seattle Grace. Why was he torturing her? He served as a constant reminder to everyone around her that had a mouth and ears that she did, in fact, cheat on the staggering and electrifyingly talented Dr. McDreamy.

_Whatever_, she thought. People didn't know as much as they thought, they didn't know all the angles.

Addison Montgomery walked swiftly through the hospital's halls in an effort to catch the elevator that had just let off about a half dozen people. Her heels clicked softly as she quickened her pace and eased silently into the, what she assumed, empty elevator. She was so preoccupied with her thoughts she hadn't even noticed Alex Karev in the corner of the elevator, studying her apprehensive demeanor.

"I'm sure the pen's sorry." He whispered, completely startling Addison who's eyes darted to where the voice was coming from. She saw Alex Karev, who looked quite resigned with his arms crossed, leaning casually against the back of the elevator.

"Excuse me?" She offered, as she regained her nerves from being startled, she looked back at the chart in her hands, running her left hand through her tousled red, auburn hair.

Suddenly she felt Alex's hand reach out and remove her thumb from the top of the pen that hadn't ceased clicking up and down since Addison had stepped into the elevator. Addison looked down at her hand, and only then did she see how tightly she was clenching the pen. Alex tentatively pulled the pen away from her, studying her intently, noticing the ridged ness in her stance, she let go of the pen and took a deep breathe. Her eyes darted from the pen to Alex's gaze to the elevator doors. She remained silent while Alex leaned back against the wall.

He wasn't used to this silence from her, she was always so fierce, so determined, so ridiculously authoritative. She wasn't barking requests, making a point, proving him wrong. Nothing. She was completely silent. She stood there, next to him, silent and pensive.

"I ordered those labs, they should be ready in an hour." He said.

Addison looked at him briefly, "Good. Let me know when you get them." She responded lightly, staring back off into space.

Finally Alex's curiosity got the best of him, "You wanna talk about it?"

"It?" Addison questioned, like she hadn't the faintest clue what he is alluding too.

"Whatever's the matter with you today?" He stated, as she met his stare, trying to assess if he was actually being serious. Trying to determine if he really even gave two shits. She squinted her eyes briefly at him. Just then, the elevator halted completely and almost threw Addison off balance, she put a hand to the wall to steady herself and looked at the elevator panel.

"What the hell was that?" She questioned, looking at the numbers that light up above the elevator doors; they were blank.

Alex stood up straight and walked around Addison to study the elevator panel, he tried pushing some buttons, but he got nothing.

"Looks like we're stuck." He laments, still looking at the panel. Pushing the alarm button but getting no sound.

"You're kidding right?" Addison said with some dread in her tone. She put her hand to her forehead and squeezed her eyes shut to calm her growing anxiety.

"I wish I was."

"This is just great," Addison exclaimed, raising her voice slightly, "Just what I need, to be stuck in an elevator at work. Because there is nothing like having time to actually think about all the things in your life that are going totally and completely wrong while there is absolutely no distractions. Damnit!" She swung the chart in her hand in an effort to get out some frustration and hit the doors, making a loud noise that completely startled Alex.

He turned around and stared at her as she stood there, both hands on her hips, flushed, running her hands threw her hair. She finally looked back at him.

"You know what? I give up." She said bitterly, throwing her hands in the air. "None of this is even worth it."

"What's not worth it?" He asked, still shocked about how positively unglued she seemed at that very moment and more surprisingly, how fragile. This wasn't the Addison he knew. It almost freaked him out.

"Forget it. It's not like you care to hear about it."

"How do you know that?" He questioned slowly.

"Um, I don't know. Maybe because you got the lying, cheating wife part from your friend Meredith or maybe because you strike me as the type who really doesn't care one way or the other." She said dryly.

"Try me." He said easily, walking back to where he had previously been standing, folding his arms, he continued to eye her, "It's not like we're going anywhere anytime soon."

"I'm surprised you haven't already made up your own conclusions." She remarked sarcastically as she leaned against the wall about a couple feet away from him, mimicking his stance slightly.

"People talk. I know that, you know that. It doesn't necessarily mean everything that they say is true." He offered, as she clutched the chart to her chest like her life depended on it.

"Hey, stop it," he started lightly, "you're going to hurt your hands." As he gestured toward the almost death-like grip she had on the chart. Addison looked down at it and loosened her grip. Now lightly holding the chart in her arms.

"You ever been so lonely you felt like you just didn't exist?" She asked suddenly, looking briefly at the elevator doors, then back at Alex. His face softened a little bit and he broke her gaze by looking down.

"Sure," He said softly, "We've all felt like that, right?"

"Yeah, I guess." She responded hesitantly, "But, I never thought that could happen in a marriage. With someone you considered your soul mate, to just become completely vacant to them. Like they don't see you the way they used to." She finished, as his heart leapt because he could see the obvious sadness take over her face.

"Is that what happened?" he pressed, "With you and Shepard?"

Addison looked up to meet Alex's questioning gaze, she was almost unprepared for what she saw. She saw actual kind concern and it blew her away. Alex was entirely too egocentric and self-involved to care in the least bit what were the reasons for anything that went on in her failed marriage. She broke his eye contact and exhaled.

"I suppose it doesn't matter." She concluded, she looked back at him briefly and changed the subject. "Can I have my pen back?" She questioned unenthusiastically as she put her hand out in his direction, clearing her throat.

Alex rolled his eyes and handed her pen back to her. "I'm not as callous as you presume you know." He stated somewhat bitterly. She smiled slightly, for the first time, but then it was gone again, almost faster than it came.

"How would I know that? When you're around me you don't really exude compassion."

"Whatever, I'm just not the ass everybody seems so inclined to label me as."

"Oh, really? How do you figure?" She questioned, slightly interested in his response.

"Well, maybe not to you, but that's only because you enjoy torturing me."

She laughed lightly, and he found himself glad, almost relieved that in her sadness she could still afford those momentary off-guard moments where laughter is necessary.

"It's not torture, Karev. I happen to think you have talent. You're just sort of rough around the edges."

"Exactly, much to rough to be around a whole bunch of estrogen all day." He joked lightly.

"You'll get over it." She stated plainly, she reverted back to that place in her mind where she drove herself crazy. Alex gave her a look that she didn't even notice.

He slid down the wall until he was sitting on the ground of the elevator with his knees in front of him, he rested his head back against the wall and took a breath. He was oddly intrigued by her apparent sadness. It made him question his previous notions of her. Maybe she was just broken and sad and…_lonely_.

"How's Izzie?" She asked suddenly, and nearly completely out of the blue. Alex looked up at her rather strangely but she had decided to start flipping through her chart to keep herself occupied. Every now and then she'd scribble something down and move on, obviously waiting for his response.

"She's as good as can be expected I guess." He said flatly. Almost like, it wasn't something he was entirely thrilled talking about.

"I heard she may be coming back. Any truth to that?" She questioned as she crossed something out on her chart as she then closed it and set it on the floor.

"I hope so." He said lightly.

"She was a good doctor."

"Almost too good of one."

"What do you mean? Because she fell in love with the guy?"

"It really doesn't matter whether she did or didn't. She got involved with a patient. You and I both know that's not supposed to happen." he said evenly.

"Well, a lot of things aren't supposed to happen, Karev. That doesn't mean they don't just…happen." She trailed off slightly.

Getting back to his feet he walked over to the elevator doors. He stopped in front of them, turned to his left, took a few steps to that wall, turned around, and walked the small distance to the other wall. He continued to pace back and forth in the elevator while Addison eyed him.

"You should stop. You're making me nervous." She said quietly.

"Nervous?" he questioned, looking up at her, but didn't stop slowly pacing. "Why?"

"I don't know. You just look pent up."

"Being stuck in elevators isn't exactly great fun."

"You've got a point." She said, refolding her arms and tapping her heel lightly against the ground. "It's got a weird symmetry to it, don't you think?"

"What does?" He asked, walking much slower now, but still walking the length of the elevator.

"Izzie chooses Denny. Derek chooses Meredith." she said carefully.

"Derek chose you." he said plainly, glancing over at her.

"At first he did, but he didn't mean it."

"How do you know he didn't mean it?" He questioned suddenly.

"Because if he did, I wouldn't have found panties that weren't mine in the pocket of his tux." She said easily, it just sort of came out. But it made her feel good to say it. To admit it. Derek had had no real intention of trying to make their marriage work. If he had, it was all shot to hell anyways.

"I'm sorry," Alex said lightly, slowing his pace further and further.

"Yeah," She said "Me too."

"So uh, where does hot shot plastics guy fit into all this?" Alex asked.

Addison sighed loudly and straightened her white lab coat. "Just when I was gonna switch the subject back on you."

Alex laughed slightly, "You're more interesting anyway."

"I don't know about that." She said.

"I do. So…Sloan, you really like the talented, cocky type huh?"

"We aren't anything. Okay, yes, he came here because I called him but that was in pure weakness. I didn't want him to stay and I certainly didn't want him working _here_. I mean, if there isn't already enough drama. He's got to bring the past with him and shove it in Derek's face."

"Well, you don't care what gets thrown in Shepard's face anyway, right? After all, look what got shoved in yours."

"I don't want him to hate me though." She replied quickly.

"So you think he hates you?"

"He doesn't know enough to yet." She said carefully, sucking in a breath between her teeth. Running her hands over her face, she breathed, "Remind me to _never_ get stuck in an elevator again."

Alex finally ceased his pacing and stood a foot away from Addison. "Yeah, remind me the same thing." He said.

She smiled slightly at the young man in front of her. It was the first time she could remember ever having any real type of conversation with Alex, as many times as they'd worked on cases together and the like she'd never been so candid or comfortable with him. It was almost like she was dealing with a much softer, gentler version of the macho, irritating intern she dealt with on a regular basis.

Addison's thoughts were interrupted when the elevator jolted suddenly throwing them both completely off balance and into each other. Alex fell forward towards Addison as she fell backwards clutching the steel railing that lined the elevator. As he fell towards her, he tried steadying himself by bracing his hand against the wall, above her head while the other hand, instinctually grabbed her waist. Only when they caught each other's eyes did they realize the physical closeness of the situation. Neither said a thing as the eye contact continued and their bodies remained almost in complete contact.

Addison wasn't even able to wrap her brain around the tremendous amount of chills that ran down her spin when Alex's eyes dropped from hers to her lips and then back. She felt the strength of his hand on her waist and it almost made her knees give way.

"You okay?" He whispered softly searching her face for some sort of reaction to their current position. All he knew was, he wasn't ready to back up.

"Yeah." She whispered back, searching his eyes. Their noses just inches apart, everything inside of Addison's head screamed for her to dismantle this highly inappropriate moment they were sharing. But she was frozen, the intensity in his eyes held her there.

Alex slowly took in the contours of her face with his eyes, remaining silent; he removed his hand from above her head and softly ran the back of his pinkie and ring fingers underneath a lock of hair that had fallen in her face. He was in awe of the angles of her face, it was almost as if she was too perfect up close, too real. The physical closeness of Alex, in all his masculine glory was almost too much for Addison to endure and she became slightly dizzy. Their proximity continued to consume rationale thought as Addison let go of the steel bar and put her hands lightly on Alex's chest. She almost felt better like that, like she had somehow created a needed barrier between them.

Suddenly the elevator jolted again, and Addison gripped the front of Alex's scrubs as he pushed himself off of her creating a bit of room between their bodies but not nearly enough space where Addison could think clearly. His fingers lightly grazed the side of her face; the urgency yet care in his touch made her breathe catch. Addison had to end this moment they were having before it really got out of hand, and she feared she wouldn't have the good sense to stop it.

As if on cue, once Addison looked down to finally break the eye contact from sexual tension heaven, the elevator doors opened. Alex stepped back slightly as they opened and quickly picked up Addison's chart. He extended it to her, lowering his head to try and catch her eyes, as she continued to look down. She extended her hand in an effort to take the chart from him. When he wouldn't let it go, she gave in and looked up putting on her bravest face. She couldn't possibly display the fact that what had just happened between them had most certainly rocked her. After she finally met his eyes, he let go of the chart and turned on his heels and silently walked out of the elevator.

Addison exhaled loudly, watching him disappear and wondering what the hell had just happened and why her knees were still trembling.


	2. Just Keep Walking

Chapter 2: Just Keep Walking

Sometimes avoiding three different people at the same time proved to be more than a difficult feat. Especially when they all worked in the same hospital. Meredith, Derek and Mark were all on her list of avoidance because seeing any one of them would trigger feelings she didn't want to deal with at work.

_Maybe Seattle really was a bad idea_, she thought to herself.

Addison had been taking the stairs all day between floors to further her plan of staying somewhat invisible. She descended down the stairs, chart tucked neatly under her left arm, and her blackberry in the other hand scanning an email briefly. She rounded the stairwell rather quickly and nearly ran into a male frame, silently praying it was anyone but two people, she looked up apologetically.

_Oh, you_, she thought as she meet the eyes of Alex Karev.

"Where are you running off to?" She asked him, studying his stance.

"Um, I was just going up to 3 to check on a…" He trailed off as she raised an eyebrow at him and gave him a look that read: don't even try it. He cleared his throat and rested his arm on the stair railing, looking up at her; their obvious height difference because of the stairs was absorbing his senses. He noticed the delicate white diamond drop earrings in her ears, the loose strands of vivid hair framing her face, the look of almost playful nonchalance that danced on it.

"So you weren't on your way up to plastics to see if Mark had any cases?" She questioned, tilting her head slightly.

Alex diverted his eyes from hers with that question in the air. He exclaimed, "Okay, well… in my defense, Mrs. Lowe's labs look great, her BP is normal, vitals are good, no fetal distress and she's only dilated 2-3 inches. She's not popping that thing out for at least an hour or two…" again he trailed off when he caught the look of slight annoyance on her face at his ineffective word choice.

"So you've just got it all covered right?" She asked him sweetly but the air of sarcasm was hard to miss.

_Damn, Montgomery you're gonna give me a cavity, _thought Alex.

"Well, I'll have you know that I still need an update on her condition every 30 minutes; vitals, everything. Her prior bleeding concerns me." She finished, slipping her blackberry into her lab coat and opening the chart in her hand.

"So are you taking a permanent break from elevators?" he asked jokingly, she looked up from her chart at him, scrunching her eyebrows a bit in confusion and a little in shock. The word "elevator" coming from his mouth caught her off guard.

She looked back at the chart and scribbled something on it. "I'm just playing this little game where I try to be inconspicuous," she offered with an air of bitterness.

"Which means you're avoiding Shepard." Alex said.

"Hmm, you really do have it all covered. You read minds and the like." She teased him lightly.

He breathed quietly reacting to her playful nature, he continued watching her write on the chart. She suddenly felt his eyes on her and shifted her gaze up. The silence hung between them for a few moments as Addison shifted her weight a bit.

"So you're avoiding one but not the other?" he asked suddenly, breaking the piercing silence. Addison was silently grateful. She twirled her pen between her fingers absentmindedly, she looked at him, squinting slightly.

"I'm avoiding both of them, I can't deal with either one's antics at the moment," She said rather loosely. "It's only a matter of time though… this hospital isn't that big." She added carefully.

"Yeah, I guess it's not." He replied, he found himself trying to take in too many different aspects of her at once. Her delicate fingers playing with her pen, that same bit of hair that seemed to have a spirit all it's own, the kindness yet assertiveness in her eyes, the nearness of her right leg to his left one. Everything. He was becoming overwhelmed with her, yet completely under whelmed like he couldn't get enough.

"Karev…Karev…am I talking to myself here?" Addison asked suddenly, Alex hadn't even realized she had started talking.

"Sorry," he murmured, clearing his throat. "I spaced out."

"Where were you?" she asked him curiously, questioning his state of mind.

_Oh, you have no idea, _he thought to himself.

"I just remembered I have to do this thing for Bailey," he said the first thing that came to mind, looking down distractedly.

"Okay, well make sure you get on it. I don't want to hear that I'm keeping you from doing what you need to for Bailey." She said, making a move to walk past him, her shoulder grazing his momentarily, he took a breath and found himself inhaling her perfume. He instantly remembered it from the elevator, she smelled divine. He watched her descend down the rest of the stairs.

"26 minutes," she called up as she opened the door to the stair well and walked out.

Alex Karev walked through the locker room, thinking about that rather interesting moment between himself and Addison minutes earlier. He was finding himself incredibly drawn to Addison and it was thoroughly confusing him. He hadn't been this drawn to a woman since well…since Izzie. The thought of her made his heart drop slightly, he shook it off and was somewhat irritated that the feeling had gained such a reaction, even still. He felt for her, she was so broken when Denny died. But watching her love another man shifted his perspective; though he cared about her immensely.

"I hate this," came a voice from the corner.

Alex turned around and saw Meredith Grey sitting still on the bench.

"Ah, what do you hate?" he asked as he opened his locker and shifted through his stuff.

"I hate that I don't know what's going on." She said vaguely.

"You know what Meredith, I don't really care for Derek much; don't know him well but none the less I don't infer any admiration that doesn't go beyond mild medical respect but hey, if you like the guy so much what's stopping you guys now?" He asked her still shifting through his things.

"Geez, am I that transparent?" She asked him plainly.

"Only sometimes." He replied, laughing a little.

"What do you have against him?" Meredith wondered curiously, folding her arms.

"Nothing really, other than he doesn't have any concept of following through. Everyone is so eager to point out that Shepard got cheated on before he got involved with you but…he also cheated."

"Technicalities are overrated." She interjected blandly.

"If he had no real intention of giving you up he shouldn't have said he would. Why would you wanna be with someone who did that?" He questioned looking at her. She looked completely indifferent. She lowered her head and clenched her fists around the edge of the bench.

"You know what, you're right. This is such a ridiculous cycle." She lamented bitterly.

"Well, hey. You're gonna do what you want but you've got to decide if Shepard is worth it." Alex offered closing his locker. Meredith nodded her head in acknowledgment as she looked around the room.

"That was not what I expected from you." She said slowly. "You're right," She looked at him. "I should want more for myself."

"You'll figure it out." He offered sympathetically.

Addison walked briskly past the waiting rooms on Seattle Grace's main floor and almost immediately after she turned the corner she felt his presence. Familiarity is something she didn't lack with him.

"Addy." He said lowly, leaning over as he quickened his step as she diverted him.

"Go away Mark." She said, not even bothering to look at him.

_Just keep walking, _she thought.

"So is this how it's gonna be, you're just going to not talk to me at work…"

"..or ever." She interjected giving him a look of impatience.

"Oh, come on, you don't mean that." he said sweetly.

"Really Mark, I do not pretend to understand why you didn't just go back to New York."

"Because Addison, you know why." He said, increasing his pace.

"You know what, no I don't Mark. I don't know why. We don't work. You know _that_." She delivered the words with almost enough conviction to which they merited. He stopped and grabbed her right elbow loosely, turning her to face him.

"Mark…" she warned, her eyes telling his not to test her.

"Addison, it's me. The same me you risked your marriage for." He stated under his breath. She yanked her arm from his reach.

"It's too much baggage. I'm done Mark. Honestly." She said, giving him a look compiled of as much strength as she could muster. She walked quickly past him leaving him there weighing the actuality of her words. He came to the conclusion that he didn't really care, he had history with Addison and no matter how complicated, jilted and wrong that history was. It was still there and it was still real. He couldn't let Addy go, not for too long anyway.

Addison entered the women's restroom on the 2nd floor, she walked up to the sinks, looking at herself closely in the mirror. Observing her sadness, her nerves rattled from her intense conversation with Mark, her hands shook slightly as she washed them.

_Come on Addison, you can get through this day. You will get through this day, _she said to herself. Trying to stir up the courage she needed to exist and stand her ground. To do what was best for her and not anyone else.

As she walked back through the 2nd floor she saw Alex walking toward her. She walked up to a computer to check stats as he came closer and stopped, bordering on too close, to Addison and handed her the chart.

"She's still pretty stable. BP's good. Dilation hasn't changed." He stated, unenthusiastically. It took him a second to realize that she seemed different. Less okay, the air of sadness that he saw on her face as she stared blankly at a computer screen almost made him angry.

He continued to look at her as she studied the computer screen. She picked the chart back up, wrote something on it and offered it to him.

"I'm checking her in about five minutes." She said flatly, shifting her body toward the computer and away from him, she felt certain that it wasn't her imagination that led her to believe he was standing rather close to her.

"What's wrong?" he asked lightly, trying the catch her eyes but she wouldn't give, the computer had all her attention. He wasn't moving. Finally, she turned and looked at him, angling her body further away, meeting his stare. She didn't know what it was but something about that moment and the apparent concern on Alex's face made Addison loose grip of her pen and their eye contact broke when it hit the ground with a clang.

She felt her eyes burning, almost like she was going to cry. She had that feeling in the back of her throat, too. She used to explain it as that feeling of raw sadness that tries to get its way out of your throat.

They both knelt down for the pen, reaching for it at the exact same time, Addison's delicate fingers closed over the top of his. He felt the slight tremble in her hold.

_What has you so scared? _he questioned to himself while imploring her eyes.

They rose with their hands connected, neither letting go of the pen. The fact that they're in the middle of the 2nd floor in a hospital full of staff and patients really doesn't seem significant, their eyes dueling, searching the other pair for the answer, the explanation as to how this had obviously turned into something it had never been. Addison tugged on the pen lightly, and Alex relented and let it go just as Addison's eyes diverted from him and he heard her sigh.

"Addison, I need to talk to you," came a voice.

"Derek, not now." she whispered, through her teeth.

"Addison, we need to talk about this," stressed Derek as he came closer to the both of them. He silently surveyed Alex and his proximity to Addison and furrowed his eyebrows.

"We are at work Derek. We work here, not talk about our personal issues." She tried to reason gently. Derek heard her tone in an entirely different way then what she meant and felt she was patronizing him.

"I need to talk to you now…" He said, anger laced his words.

"Hey, she doesn't want to talk to you, alright?" Alex interrupted suddenly. Addison's eyes darted towards his, surprised that he stood up for her, and rather taken by the fact.

_Sweet in theory, not good in actuality_, thought Addison silently.

"No, it's fine." She said quickly, yet softly.

"Oh, so now interns are talking for you?" Derek asked bitterly. Addison scoffed at his tone, while he was keeping his voice down there was no mistaking that he was pissed.

"That's not as bad as sleeping with you." She said, trying to contain the emotion in her voice. She was completely infuriated that he was being so impossible.

"But not as good as best friend's though, right Addy?" he questioned, angrily under his breath.

"You don't have to listen to this," Alex reasoned with her, surveying the pain on her face. Trying to will her to look at him, she however, can't take her eyes off of her husband's cold ones. Alex actually felt his hand twitching to make a fist; he ultimately knew better. They had all kept their voice's down for the most part but Addison could see people eyeing them. Perfect. Some more much needed work gossip; the divorce will be a nasty one.

Addison felt completely gutted. Derek had just purposely been an ass for no other apparent reason then to spite her, and she had no idea why. She didn't know where this anger from him was coming from, it was probably just directed at her because of Mark's presence in Seattle but she just couldn't take it. She felt her eyes burn again, as she looked away from Derek and quickly blinked the tears away. Addison cleared her throat and looked at Derek, tears still trying to well up.

"I'm not indulging you right now; stop being selfish. What I do in this hospital is not about you. Don't make it about you, it's about me, and my life, and what I want. So get over it." She said trying to keep the emotion in her voice from seeping out onto her mess of words. Derek just stared at her letting her words resonate in his head. He took one last look at Addison's pain-filled face and Alex's intimidating one and turned on his heels to leave.

Addison cleared her throat and Alex looked up at her. She returned his eye contact briefly but realized the wound was still too fresh from the conversation she had just finished with her soon to be ex-husband, she looked down, gathering her thoughts.

"Don't let him get to you." Alex said gently. The softness in his voice both soothed and lacerated her aching heart. She stepped back, looking up at him, nodded her head gently and moved to walk past him.

Not wanting her to walk away from him, without even thinking he reached his hand out quickly and tried to take hold of her arm, she oddly sensed it coming and dodged it, putting up both hands as if to say "please don't" and proceeded to walk away.

A pair of eyes studied the look of distress on Alex Karev's face from where they had been observing the two doctors in their rather close exchange.


	3. Not Okay

Chapter 3: Not Okay

Addison didn't really see the days getting better before they got worse. She felt as though she had to mentally and emotionally prepare herself for the daily occurrences in her life. She had come to the conclusion that everything revolved around one key factor: the hospital. As she sat in the bathroom stall kneeling, still reeling from her encounter with Derek, she silently cursed herself for making the hospital and her personal life so cohesive in her earlier years.

I'm gonna need therapy when this is over, she thought irritatingly.

The testosterone was completely decapitating. All three of them were just so demanding, and selfish, as most men are, and the very new bond that she was forming with Alex was giving her butterflies that turned into heartache at the thought of the other two. But how could she not think about them right? She works with them. All of them. EVERY DAY.

Her phone rang suddenly, shaking her out of her apprehensive stiffness as she thought about her life's unraveling. She looked at the caller id, it read "Mark". She tapped her phone lightly waiting for it to stop ringing.

If he was smart he would have paged me, she thought, laughing lightly, through her tears. Her phone beeped signifying that she had a voice mail. She took a second, thought about it and pushed to call her voice mail.

She cleared her throat and straightened against the stall door. She heard Mark's voice start on the other end: Hey, it's me. Addy, I really need to see you. I know it's the middle of the day and I know we're both working but I just…just call me when you get this. Please.

She listened to the familiar lull of his voice in the phone, pictured his face, vividly saw his smile. She really had fallen in love with Mark, but he was Mark and he had to conquer every living woman. She couldn't deal with that. It was too much. His ties to Derrek and that whole thing was something she just had to live away, she couldn't stand for it to slap her in the face for the rest of her life.

Taking a deep breath to calm her nerves, she unlocked the stall door and came out to wipe her eyes better and wash her hands. Suddenly the door slowly opened and she glanced over at it and saw Alex standing in the door, contemplating whether he should walk in. She laughed slightly, turning her face so he couldn't see the tint of redness in her eyes.

"You do know this is the woman's bathroom?" She said, trying to even out her voice.

He studied her silently then said, "I'll be right out here," and closed the door.

Addison's stomach felt like little butterflies has inhabited it and they were combusting into jolts of electricity, as she thought about how sweet Alex had been to her since the elevator incident; it was remarkable. It wasn't only that but his presence calmed her, no matter how paranoid she became about how close he comes to her when they work, she completely breathed it. It made her seem less crazy. He made her feel less crazy.

The trouble was, this bond that was obviously growing, was to the detriment of her emotional psyche; she couldn't imagine being with anyone right now. Not while she was still dealing with Derek and Mark.

I'm calling my lawyer in an hour, she thought to herself, I can't stay married to him anymore.

She looked at herself in the mirror and sighed as she tucked her hair behind her ears and threw her Kleenex's in the trash. She stepped out of the bathroom and as sure as day Alex was leaning against the wall: waiting. He stood up straight and moved to walk along side her, as she walked out of the bathroom.

"How'd you know I was in there?" She asked him, walking slowly.

"I guessed." He said, eyeing her when she slipped into his peripheral view.

"Really?"

"No, a nurse said she saw you go in about 15 minutes ago."

Addison stopped in her tracks and looked at her watch, a look of concern on her face.

"She's fine," Alex said quickly, standing in front of her. "I just came from there." Assuring her that Mrs. Lowe wasn't about to have her baby.

Addison looked at him, "Where's her chart?" she questioned.

"On her door," he said, calmly. "Are you okay?"

She looked up at him and nodded her head. "How are her labs?" she asked quickly, noticing the soft look of his mouth, the color of his eyes, the way he was looking at her.

"They're normal. Her contractions aren't that close, she's stable."

"Alright, good work, Karev." She said, flashing a smile for a second, moving to walk past him.

"You can tell me if you're not." he said, turning around to watch her walk off.

"Not what?" she asked, pausing and glancing back, extremely curious as to what he was referring to.

"Not okay." he said, his eyes silently pleading with her to let him in.

She nodded her head again, turned around and walked out.  
­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

Izzie Stevens walked quietly through the halls of the hospital. Being back was so much different than she had first expected. She wasn't even really officially back but being within those walls was like being back home but home is where you lost your heart. More than once. She walked into the break room where Meredith looked as though she was looking something up.

"Hey," she said looking in.

"Iz, hey," said Meredith surprised to see Izzie.

"I'm gonna talk to the chief about coming back." Izzie said slowly.

"I'm glad, Iz. That's really good."

"What attending are you with today?" asked Izzie curiously.

"Bailey."

Izzie nodded. "So how are you and Derek?" she asked suddenly.

"What?" Meredith looked up surprised that Izzie had brought up Derek, she hadn't talked with Izzie about Derek in quite some time. Izzie had been going through so much, it hadn't come up.

"You and Derek, how are you two?"

"We aren't anything." Meredith replied sadly.

"Can you take a break from that?" Izzie said referring to what Meredith was doing. Meredith nodded. Izzie walked over and sat next to her.

"So, what's going on? Talk to me."

"We just…I don't know. I think he's dealing with a lot of stuff with Addison right now." said Meredith in a very low, melancholy tone.

"With Addison?" She questioned, curiously.

"Yeah, I don't know what's going on. He won't talk to me about it. He's distant and sad. I'm just gonna give him some time. I actually talked to Alex about it today."

"Alex?" Izzie questioned. "What'd he say?" she asked, curious as to when Alex started handed out relationship advice.

"Just that he thought Derek didn't really deserve another chance. After everything with Addison and how he stringed her along; that he should have just divorced her if he wanted to be with me."

"I didn't realize they were so close." Izzie said thoughtfully.

"Who?" Meredith asked.

"Addison and Alex." She said, looking at Meredith, who gave her a look of confusion. "I mean, think about it, doesn't what he said seem more in Addison's defense than Derek's?"

"I mean, I guess, but…where's this suspicion of Addison and Alex coming from?" Meredith asked curiously, searching Izzie's face with her eyes.

Izzie smiled slightly, "It's not suspicion, I'm just assessing what you're telling me. It makes sense, he's been working with her for awhile now right?"

"Yeah, he's convinced she's torturing him, I haven't heard him complain about it in a couple days though." Meredith said, getting back to her work.

"Hmm, maybe because he doesn't have any more reasons to complain," said Izzie, softly looking off in the distance. "Maybe it's because his feelings about it have changed."

Addison walked in the break room after successfully delivering Mrs. Lowe's baby. She felt absolutely exhausted and couldn't wait to just go home, all that she had left for the day was some charting and research, so once she finished that she figured she'd go home. Or not home, but back to where she was staying.

Maybe I should find a place to live, she thought, feeling the muscles in her body ache. She was so tired, she felt literally drained.

She heard the break room door open and close, she turned her head to see who it was and immediately started booting up her laptop, as she sat upright on the couch.

Great, you're exactly who I wanna see, she thought to herself. She remained silent and for a split second thought he wouldn't bother her. Apparently, that thought was much too good to be true because he didn't give up that easy.

"Did you get my message?" He asked, watching her frame. Finding it both amusing and irritating that she wasn't paying him much mind.

"Nope, you left me a message?" She asked, unenthusiastically, not breaking her attention away from her laptop.

"Ah, yeah."

"Hmm, I didn't get it." She said.

"Addy, I really want you to talk to me."

"Well, that sucks because I really don't want to talk to you." She said persuasively.

"So that's it, you're really giving me up and everything we had?" He asked her, still not moving any closer.

"What we had, we shouldn't have had. I was married. I am married."

"But for how much longer?" he asked, jokingly.

"I guess it's true what they say about plastic surgeons having the worst bedside manner, and ode to your ever lacking compassion." She said, so incredibly exasperated with his presence.

"You being mean to me isn't going to make me go away, Addison." Mark said evenly.

"Well, what will Mark?" asked Addison, seriously. Turning around and looking at Mark for the first time since he walked in.

"Nothing." he said simply. "You know how I feel about you Addy."

"I know how you feel about me when I'm with you, but how do you feel about me when I'm not. I'll tell you how you feel: like you've got an itch that any other girl in the world can scratch. I'm not her anymore Mark. It's all too much." She said, telling herself to remain as calm as possible. She'd worked herself up enough for one day already. She knew talking to him now, wasn't helping at all.

"So you think that we can work in this hospital together and not be together? At all?" he questioned eyeing her.

"I didn't ask you to move here, Mark."

"Yes, but you asked me to come."

"But not to stay and your staying. I mean, do you resent me that much? Do you resent Derek that much?"

"I love the both of you. You know that." he said softly. Causing her heart to leap.

Come on Addy, don't fall for this, this is Mark; you know how he operates, she thought to herself.

She remained silent and continued looking at him with as much sincerity as she could.

"Mark, if you're here because you think we're gonna be together then I'm sorry but no, it's not gonna happen," she said sternly.

Mark took one more look at her face and decided to let her think that she had won.

"Addison, I'm not giving up on us." he replied, walking out of the door leaving Addison there despondent from her obvious failure of getting Mark to just leave her alone.

I m leaving, I can't take much more of this, she thought. As she closed her laptop, gathered the rest of her things and made her way out of the break room, down two flights of stairs and out the hospital.


	4. My Moods

Chapter 4: My Moods

There are certain times in people's lives where they feel as though they're drowning. It's as if they used to know how to swim but they suddenly forgot. Addison felt like she was astray at sea and it was her own will that was keeping her alive. She felt like everything was crashing down, suffocating her and she was fighting with all her might to just get through the day.

She had talked to her lawyer and had had the divorce papers drawn up. She just wanted it all to be over. She was however, surprised that Derek's lawyer hadn't already contacted her. After the night of the prom and the discovery of the infamous panties, she had felt certain that Derek would divorce her. But she hadn't been contacted by him or his lawyer, other than that small but difficult altercation they had had in front of Alex, they hadn't even spoken.

She had gathered by his apparent anger that day at work that maybe Mark had let him in on some of the details of his relationship with her after Derek had left. She didn't really know where Derek's frame of mind was or what he thought, but she felt certain that the divorce would be of no real surprise.

_He'll finally rid himself of Satan once and for all, _she thought to herself. As she parked her car in the staff parking lot in front of Seattle Grace. She sat in her car thinking for a bit until her phone rang, it was in regards to these new condo-like lofts she was looking into that she had found through the internet. The woman on the phone made an appointment with Addison to give her a tour of the condos. Addison hung up the phone with a feeling of slight relief and like she had made a small personal accomplishment today. She wouldn't be living in a hotel room forever.

Alex Karev rushed into the locker room, realizing he was almost late for rounds, and he didn't want to here Bailey's mouth so he quickened his pace, he saw Meredith, George, and Cristina huddled together in the corner talking quietly.

He got dressed quickly. Tying his shoelaces, he looked up as someone walked through the door, to his surprise it was Izzie. He turned around and looked at the others who all smiled at her as she walked through the door.

"You're back." Alex said, standing up straight.

"I am, I am…back." said Izzie trying to smile, something in her face was hesitant.

"That's good. Welcome back." he said, smiling at her.

"Izzie's back with us. Back where she belongs." said George, grinning.

"Yes, back." said Izzie quietly.

Just then Bailey walked in, surveying each one of them and taking note that Izzie had in fact followed through and shown up.

"Rounds right now," she said firmly, "let's go."

All five of them followed her out of the locker room and about 50 feet to the surgical board.

"Karev, you're with Montgomery," said Bailey, looking at her clipboard. "Yang, you're with Burke. OMalley, you and Stevens are with me. Grey you're with Sloane."

"McSteamy?" said Meredith quickly, with a look of surprise on her face.

Cristina and Izzie cracked tiny smiles.

"You realize I don't care in the least bit what Mcname you've got for the doctors around here, don't you?" Bailey said seriously.

"Right, Dr. Bailey. Sorry, um…yeah." Meredith trailed off as she gave Cristina a look, which Cristina answered with a shrug and a look of her own.

As the interns dispersed quietly, Izzie lingered, as George followed Mr. Bailey, and Cristina and Meredith went to find their attending.

"So how's Gyno-Duty going?" asked Izzie casually.

Looking at the chart Bailey had just handed him, Alex briefly looked over the case before answering her.

"Good, it's good," he said, looking up at Izzie. "I'm really glad your back, Izzie. Take it easy today, you only have to be responsible for one day at a time." He said in a calm, assured tone.

Izzie searched his face and for the first time in a long time she felt comfort. A sense that she could do it, she felt he really meant those words he said and she hoped that she could find it within herself to be that strong woman she used to be.

"Thanks, Alex," she said sincerely. "Really. I'll see you later." She said as she walked off in the direction of Bailey and Meredith.

Addison approached Alex slowly noticing his eyes following, what seemed to be Izzie Stevens, as she walked away. She felt a sharp pang that could only be described as jealousy and she quickly brushed it away, as she got closer to him she slowed her pace and slipped in quietly next to him, going unnoticed.

"That's sweet," she said softly. Alex jumped slightly, suddenly being startled by a voice, he glanced to his right where Addison was standing not to far away from him. Her eyes veering off into the direction in which Izzie just exited.

_Great Karev, you really want her to think you still have a thing for Izzie, _thought Alex.

"What is?" he asked.

"The fact that you're obviously pleased that she's back." Addison said quickly, realizing after she let it slip that her tone sounded a tad…suspicious.

_Change the subject quick, _she thought. Feeling his eyes piercing the side of her face, she could almost sense that wherever he went next with that conversation, she wasn't particular interested in participation so she gently took the chart out of his hands and flipped it open.

"Hmm, let's see," she said aloud as she quietly read over the chart for their first patient. Alex continued to eye her as she read the chart.

"I am pleased she's back," said Alex slowly, careful to use the wording Addison had so perfectly. "She's a good doctor, and a good friend."

_A good friend, _thought Addison to herself. _A good friend that you happened to be messing around with before she meet Denny._

Gossip reached every area of that hospital. In all varying degrees. Addison nodded her head, acknowledging what Alex had said but choosing not to respond. She didn't really understand the reaction she was having, it was almost like she wanted to understand the connection he had to Izzie but she couldn't go there because it was entirely too unprofessional. Everything about the two of them lately had become unprofessional.

"I have three scheduled c-sections today," she said. "I want you to scrub in on at least two of them."

"I'll scrub in on all of them if you want," he said quickly, causing her to look up and to survey his face.

"Careful, Karev. You're almost sounding like this is no longer considered, what was the word you used, oh yes… torture," She concluded playfully.

"Technically, it's just a different kind of torture," he said carefully, rather interested in the reaction that statement would yield from her.

Addison actually giggled, "I'm choosing not to touch that statement."

If he didn't know any better, Alex would have thought she was flirting with him, he found himself pleasantly surprised by it.

"Let's go," Addison said as she went over the chart one more time, before heading off into the direction of their first patient.

"I wonder what's so funny," Izzie said reluctantly, eyeing two people off in the distance.

"No one's laughing," said Cristina seriously.

"Yeah," said Meredith, scribbling something on her chart. Izzie looked at both of them and rolled her eyes, she motioned her head towards where Addison and Alex were standing about 25 feet away; Addison was on a computer and she was gently laughing at something Alex had said to her. He seemed rather pleased that he was garnished such a reaction from her. Meredith and Cristina turned to look at what Izzie was referring to.

"Oh," Cristina said evenly, "That's interesting."

"Come on, there's nothing that interesting about it." said Meredith eyeing the two of them from afar.

"They're laughing," said Izzie sadly.

"He's her intern, Iz. I'm sure they've developed a working relationship," said Meredith sensibly.

"Relationship? Don't use that word," Izzie said quickly.

"But I thought he hated her?" asked Cristina.

"Yeah, I guess not so much anymore, huh?" asked Izzie absentmindedly, still observing the interaction between Alex and Addison.

"Iz, I'm sure it's nothing. If you're so curious why don't you just ask him?" asked Meredith carefully.

"Because it's none of my business," she said softly, feeling silently guilty. "Whatever, it doesn't even matter." She finished, turning around deciding to change the subject. The fact that she even cared, especially after everything she had went through concerned her. She merely shook it off.

"Could you go run Mrs. Hughes labs please?" Addison asked Alex as she finished scribbling something on her chart and handed it to him.

"Sure," said Alex, "Do you need anything else?"

"What?" she questioned, looking up at him, confused.

"Do you need anything else?" he repeated slowly.

"No, thanks," she said, smiling at him momentarily.

Addison watched as Alex walked away, chart in hand.

"When are we gonna deal with this?" asked a voice, shaking her out of her thoughts.

She knew that voice all to well and didn't even need to turn around to see who it was.

"There isn't much to deal with. Our marriage is over," she countered blandly.

"So that's it? You don't have anything else to say about it?" asked Derek, he was being surprisingly calm so she decided she could indulge him for a few moments.

"I called my lawyer, you should be hearing from yours soon." she said, searching his face for some kind of reaction. She thought she'd see that of relief. But she didn't.

"You filed?" he asked, his voice lower, he seemed almost surprised.

"Yes, I filed. Why should we do this anymore Derek. You know, I know…hell practically everybody knows that we can't be together. I just don't know why I didn't just give up sooner." She finished bitterly.

"I think we should talk about this," he tried to reason with her.

"Talk? About what? There is nothing to discuss. I have patients, Derek. I hate that we have to have these conversations at the hospital. It does nothing for my mood."

"When are you done today?" he asked suddenly.

"What?" she replied, shocked at his entire approach with her, it was a lot different than how he had acted towards her a couple days earlier.

"When are you done today?" he repeated.

"Why?" she questioned suspiciously.

"Because I want to talk to you." he said evenly. Everything about his calm disposition was completely throwing her for a loop.

"Why?" she questioned again.

"I don't particularly feel the best about not speaking to you for the rest of my life. You can't give me 20 minutes?" he asked.

"We're speaking right now."

"Yeah, and it's doing nothing for your mood, remember?" he asked.

She looked at him quizzically, wondering what it was that he had under his sleeve. "Fine," she said finally. "I'll call you when I'm done. When are you going to be done?" she asked.

"I've got surgery in an hour and I should be done after that." he said.

"Okay." sighed Addison finally.

"Okay." repeated Derek, turning around and walking away from her.

Addison for the life of her couldn't understand what that had been about. Not only that but Derek had been so different, so much calmer. Usually she knew how to read him like a book, years of marriage will do that to people but she just couldn't get it.

She was thoroughly confused and for the first time since all of this had unraveled, she couldn't wait to hear what he had to say.


	5. This Too Shall Pass

Chapter 5: This Too Shall Pass

This too shall pass, she thought as she stared into the eyes of her husband, silently wondering what this was all about.

Correction, her soon to be ex-husband, who she had just filed divorce papers from, her selfish, arrogant, yet one-hell-of-a-surgeon ex-husband. She was done, she was tired of feeling broken and taken for granted.

"You've got 20 minutes," she said eyeing him.

"Did you ever love me?" he asked her, a look of tension in his face.

"Derek…" she ventured but he cut her off.

"Did you ever love me?" he repeated raising his voice slightly. "Yes or no."

Addison looked at him, completely uneasy about the direction this conversation was heading, he seemed sad, abrasive, angry even. She felt torn between asking him what was wrong and actually answering his question.

"Yes. I do," she said gently, "I'll always love you, Derek."

"Because I remember loving you. I remember it. Everything about it. It's subsistence. It's depth and sometimes I feel pangs of it when I look at you, and I'm not sure if it's because I remember or if it's because I still feel that way."

Addison stared at him, her heart was pounding and she felt the unsteadiness within her hands.

Why is he doing this? She thought, I can't have this conversation with him; it's too hard.

"But what? How you feel about Meredith obviously outranks it right, because she's the mistress, and wives don't ever get to really keep their husbands. Or maybe that was just me."

"This isn't about Meredith." he said firmly, taking a step nearer to her. She noticed it and tensed up.

"Oh please, everything's about Meredith. The underwear I found in your tux was about Meredith. You sleeping with her at PROM was about Meredith. You walking around here flaunting your relationship while you have a wife is about Meredith. Why should our divorce be any different?"

"Addison…"

"I know how you used to love me," she said, her voice breaking, all of her emotions slapping her in the face with such intensity. "I used to feel it, it used to make breathing easier, it made my life okay, and I know, you love her now but I just can't…" she trailed off dropping her head, she swallowed trying to keep her sadness at bay. She felt him near her. She quickly stepped back.

"Don't," she warned lightly.

"I do love Meredith," he admitted slowly, trying to look in her eyes, she was completely diverting him. "But it's not the same way I loved you."

"What are you even saying?" she asked him, raising her voice, her words laced with bewilderment. She wasn't putting these pieces together, her anguish was escalating and hearing him say these things after everything that had happened sounded like a cruel joke.

"I don't know if I want this divorce," he said.

WHAT? Thought Addison, completely shocked.

"I don't care," Addison said painfully; tears starting to fall, she quickly brushed them away and kept talking. "I need this divorce Derek, I can't do this with you anymore. This back and forth is making me insane. I can't function at work; I'm tormented because I've done everything…"

She suddenly felt dizzy, putting her hand to her head and a hand on her hip.

"Addison…" He said, reaching his hand out. She dodged it lightly, as to not throw herself off balance.

"Stop. Just stop. I can't do this anymore."

"We've gotten passed Meredith before," said Derek calmly.

"Listen to yourself! Before! Yeah, I thought I owed you one, but you said you wanted it to work with me, but you really didn't. You just couldn't get over it, you just couldn't forgive me. Fine, if you couldn't forgive me then WHY did you even lie to yourself? Why did you waste your time and energy? Why weren't you just honest with me? I'm sorry but I can't do it." She finished off, sighing tiredly.

Her brain was aching, she felt like she was being pulled in several different directions, the severity of her emotions and the rawness of her nerves was making this whole situation entirely too volatile.

"Well I know it's not because of Mark, what happened Addy? Did he show his true colors?" asked Derek bitterly, obviously rattled by Addison's seemingly sincere declaration of being done with him.

"I didn't ask him to stay here, Derek. I didn't want that." She said, gently taking a breath and trying to calm her anxiety.

"But obviously you called him," he scoffed lightly. "I mean that's how he showed up in the first place right? You should have just quit while you were ahead."

"That sounds rich coming from you." She countered, bitterly.

"So it's not Mark, so it must be the intern," Derek replied loosely.

Addison's jaw almost hit the floor. "What?" she questioned, raising her voice, demanding an immediate response.

"The attitude doesn't surprise me. You always liked them incredibly cocky."

"Well, look at you," she offered firmly, verbally throwing another blow at him.

"Just answer me this. What are you thinking?" he asked her, furrowing his brows as he looked at her. Trying to break her down with his eyes, with his displaced resentment, with everything he had in him.

"I don't know what you're talking about but I'm not with Mark and I'm not with said Intern." She responded aggressively, using her hands to further illustrate the seriousness of her point.

"Did you forget our little run in?" He asked her seriously. "You know, the one where Karev came to your defense. Oh poor Addison, you're husband's such an asshole, he doesn't want to divorce you because he's not sure he can ever love another woman the way that he loved you."

"I really enjoy this past tense spin you keep putting on everything." She said, sounding dejected. "And, I hate to burst your bubble but that small act of kindness that you witnessed was a direct result of your outlandish display of rudeness. He was merely being kind."

"I bet he is real kind to you…" he started but she cut him off.

"Shut up. You don't even know what you're talking about, even if anything was going on between me and Karev, and it's not, it couldn't possibly trump the ever-nausea-inducing tryst of Meredith and McDreamy."

"I don't know who you're trying to fool, I have eyes, I see what's going on. Come on, be honest with yourself!" He exclaimed, folding his arms.

"You're absolutely delusional. Alex Karev is an intern, I don't sleep with interns, that's your specialty." She said quietly, feeling the tears start to well up again.

I've got to get out of here, she thought to herself, he makes me too weak.

"Addison, please…"

"Please what? You're completely out of your mind. This is about some ridiculous residual jealousy that you felt when you saw another man try to protect me from you. You don't really not want this divorce. You just want it on your terms, I'm too tired to do this anymore Derek. I really don't want to." She exclaimed, sounded incredibly defeated.

"I just don't know if I can divorce you Addison."

"Well, go ask your girlfriend if you can. I'm sure she'll say yes. I'm done." She started off in the direction to walk past him, she almost reached the door when he called out to her.

"Addison…"

She hesitated and turned around.

"…I'm not." He finished convincingly.

She turned back around and walked out.

Addison walked into her hotel room, kicking the door shut with the bottom of her heel. She threw her keys on the floor and dropped her bags on the table by her bed. She immediately walked to the shower and turned it on.

I need to wash away this sadness, she thought completely riddled with misery.

She tested the water and turned to take off her clothes, she caught sight of her reflection; looking at her tear-stained face. She saw the stress and the anguish in her eyes and that told the entire story of the end of her day events.

She stepped in the shower, as the hot water fell; covering every inch, she instantly closed her eyes and took a deep breath, letting the water consume her. She had so many different thoughts running through her head she couldn't keep up. One would play out but before it was even done, another one came out of no where and smacked her in the face. She hadn't even realized that she was crying, her tears and the water all just mixed together, undulating over her.

I need a drink, she thought tiredly.

"Joe, can I get another?" Addison asked sweetly. Joe turned around and looked at the doctor, she seemed much more relaxed now but when she had first arrived that wasn't the case, she obviously had a lot going on.

"Another?" he asked curiously. "How many of those things have you had?" he questioned curiously.

Addison sat up straighter, quickly uncrossing and crossing her legs in the other direction, she picked up three small straws that had been sitting on the bar on her napkin.

"Three!" she said proudly.

"Did you drive here?" he asked her carefully.

"No, I took a cab. I'm a doctor, I'm not reckless, well I'm emotionally reckless but that's neither here nor there." She exclaimed rather bluntly.

"Another Vodka Tonic coming up." He said as he started to make Addison's requested drink.

Addison looked around the bar briefly before resting her elbow on the bar, tapping the side of her face lightly in rhythm with the tapping her black heel was doing on the foot bar under her feet. She felt the alcohol cursing through her veins as she closed her eyes momentarily to steady her slightly spinning head.

Suddenly she felt the presence of someone sitting on the stool next to her, she quickly glanced to her left to see who it was and met rather familiar eyes.

"Hey," said Alex softly, his eyes dancing over hers, her face, her presence. He found himself holding his breath at the mere sight of her, he exhaled silently. She looked amazing; she'd always looked good because she was so beautiful but how she looked now, as she sat right in front of him: it was completely different than the hospital. Maybe it was the absence of the white coat but he was enthralled, just when he sensed his complete fascination was becoming obvious, Joe walked up and set Addison's drink in front of her.

"Hey, yourself," said Addison, eyeing Alex, smiling slightly. "Let me buy you a drink…or seven." she said , as she took a sip of her fourth.

"How many is that for you?" he asked her, gesturing to her drink in hand. She looked at her glass and then looked at him. "Doesn't matter." She said softly as she took a long sip from her straw. Alex's gaze caught her mouth and it lingered there momentarily. "So what'll it be?" she asked him, referring to the drink.

"A beer," said Alex directing it at Joe, not quite clearly grasping the entirety of this situation. "What's that?" he asked, referring to what she was drinking.

"Vodka Tonic," she said slowly, "Want some?" she asked, tilting her head at him slightly, raising an eyebrow. Holding the glass gently with her index finger and thumb she extended her hand slowly in his direction.

Some of what? You? Sign me up, he thought suggestively. He cleared his throat, shaking his head.

"Vodka? You do have work tomorrow right?" he questioned her, as he quickly said thanks to Joe who handed him his beer.

"Well to tell you the truth," she said seriously, then she lowered her voice slightly, "I was gonna bring out the shots but mixed drinks don't usually yield extreme hangovers." She said lazily.

"How many is that?" he asked her again casually, looking into her eyes, assessing from her behavior that she was already drunk.

She looked at him strangely, fixing her lips in a pout momentarily and then offering, "Are you repeating yourself?" teasing him gently.

He took a sip of his beer. "I don't know why you don't just answer the question. I'm curious, you probably don't even know. Have you lost track?"

She looked at him, and mocked disproval. "I do too know how many I've had…" she said convincingly, returning his eye contact. He watched as she ran her right hand through her hair, exposing the turquoise stone earrings that hung gently from her ears; the contrast of it's color against Addison's hair was staggering. Right under her earrings he saw the lingering curve of her neck. "…I've got a system." she said matter-of-factly, breaking into his thoughts.

Alex took another sip of his beer, glancing at her. "Oh, yeah? What system?" he asked. Addison pointed at the three straws nearest her napkin.

"Three straws; three previous drinks." She said, smiling.

"That's your fourth?" he asked, she could hear the surprise in his voice. His subtle concern made her warm inside. Addison nodded as she took another sip of her drink.

Alex reached for the other side of the cup when the straw fell out of her mouth, she looked at him, and then at their extended arms holding her glass, she almost let it go but had a second thought.

"Are you gonna try it?" she asked him, studying his face, gripping the glass a tad bit tighter.

"I think you should take a little break," he offered, referring to the alcohol, he left her glass go.

"Oh, I'm just getting started." she countered seriously. "Okay, how about this, if you try it, then I'll take a break. A little break."

"Define little," he said, finishing off his beer.

"Little, as in, I'll wait at least 20 minutes to order another one after this one's gone." She suggested plainly.

"Deal," he said seriously.

"Deal," she replied gently.

Addison handed him the glass, he took the straw out, brought the glass to his lips and finished the rest of her drink in one chug. He put the glass on the bar and looked up at Addison's face. It was one of positive disbelief.

"I can't believe you just did that." She said, her mouth still slightly agape.

"You're right. Those are good. I think I want one."

"Well, get me another one…" She began.

"Oh, no I think you're mistaken, you have 19 more minutes, remember?" he said. "Joe can I get a Vodka Tonic over here please." He said to Joe who was close by.

"You completely tricked me." She whined, still eyeing him in shock. "That was utterly and totally not nice."

He stuck out his bottom lip at her suddenly, mocking her juvenile whining.

"Stop," she said smiling, referring to his teasing.

Damn, when did you become so unbelievably adorable? She thought as she glanced at him, enter-lacing her fingers together as they rested on the bar in front of her.

"I think one of the rules should have been, if I share mine, you have to share yours." said Addison eyeing the ice cold drink that came into such close proximity with his mouth. She forced her eyes away from his mouth, finding his eyes and held his gaze.

"No dice. No outside rules were put in place. 17 minutes. Why are you trying to drown in Vodka anyway?" he asked her.

Addison looked away from him quickly, her eyes looking over all the alcohol bottles behind the bar. She felt that wave of sadness overtake her as she remembered Derek. She didn't even answer Alex. She thought maybe he'd do her a favor and change the subject. Alex just studied her, noting her sudden change in attitude when he asked her what was prompting this alcohol binge.

"Addison," he said softly. Addison's heart leapt and she almost felt as though her ears were deceiving her, it was like she'd never heard her name before, but then she realized it was because he'd never said it before. This was the first time he called her by her first name.

She looked down, took a breath and then met his eyes.

"What?" she said softly, equalizing his tone. Their eye contact lingered.

"Talk to me." he stated gently.


	6. Two Left Feet

Chapter 6: Two Left Feet

Addison sat there, waging his words in her head, contemplating the meaning. "Talk to me." Otherwise translated as: let me in, open up to me, trust me enough to reveal things about yourself that I have no clue about. Those words had sounded absolutely appealing but verbally responding to them proved to be more than a difficult venture. Addison suddenly broke their eye contact, and tucked her hair behind her ears.

"You know, you're very interesting." she said vaguely, making her best attempt of changing the subject. Alex laughed slightly, glancing away from her momentarily.

"How so?" he asked her, deciding he'd let her change the subject; at least this time.

"I just had you pegged a certain way, is all." she said loosely.

"Yeah, well most people do. Is that your roundabout way of giving a compliment?" he asked her.

She looked at him, squinting her eyes briefly. "Interesting is good, I suppose."

"Well, thanks." He said with an air of sarcasm. She observed him quietly, as his finger played with the straw in his drink, reminding her that she didn't have one.

"I'm thirsty," she said plainly. She said it in a way that almost came off as blame. Alex glanced at her.

"Are you trying to break our deal?" he asked her seriously.

"No, I was just pointing out that I'm thirsty; thanks to you." She said sweetly.

"Yeah, well, maybe when you aren't hugging the toilet later on tonight or this morning; you'll be sincerely thanking me." He said, taking another sip of his drink.

She looked slightly insulted, the look on her face, made him smile slightly.

"I'll have you know I can handle my liquor just fine." She said confidently.

"I'm sure of it." He said.

"Well, I hope you plan on entertaining me until I can drink again." She said seriously.

"Technically you can drink right now, but you'd be breaking our deal." He said.

"Ugh... fine." She said frustrated, sighing lightly. "You drive a hard bargain."

"I do what I can." He replied.

Addison took a breath, gently rubbing her forehead with the back of her hand, she gathered her hair at the nape of her neck, twisted it loosely around her fingers and let it fall over her right shoulder.

"Is this your way of getting back at me for making you deliver babies?" She questioned, fingering her earring lightly, his eyes following her fingers.

"No. It's not as bad as I previously thought." He relented.

"Not as bad?" She questioned, almost surprised that he was admitting that.

"I guess I was a bit of a pain in the beginning, wasn't I?" He assessed.

Addison laughed briefly. "You're kidding right? I don't even have to answer that. You had my picture in the dictionary under 'despised.'" She said teasing him.

"Oh, it was not like that!" He exclaimed, trying to defend himself.

"It was! What do you mean? I used to think you'd rather have each one of your leg hairs plucked individually than be subjected to being my intern." She exclaimed dramatically, laughing just thinking about how much they clashed early on. Addison silently pondered what had changed since then. Why was it suddenly so easy to be around him? Why was he the only male she could stand being in the presence of for longer than 10 minutes? How did this shift? When did it change and what did it mean?

"I didn't mean to be that big of a pain in the ass." He said smiling.

Addison laughed again, she didn't know if it was because he was being really funny, or because she was drunk and everything's so much funnier when you're drunk or maybe because laughing seemed to offer symmetry to all the crying she had been doing lately.

"That's a lie. You thought if you were enough of a jackass, I'd just get fed up and turn you loose." She said matter-of-factly.

"And that obviously didn't work." He replied lightly.

"No, I guess it didn't." She said, seeming rather pleased with herself.

You just might be the cutest drunk I've ever seen, he thought to himself as he realized that his drink was almost gone. I need to slow down myself.

"I'm sorry," he said finally as he looked over at her.

Addison got caught rather off guard by his sudden apology and didn't quite understand what had been the cause of it.

"What?" she questioned, meeting his gaze.

"I'm sorry that I was such an ass to you." He said sincerely, searching her eyes for her reaction.

There it was again. This genuine and gentle empathy that she was increasingly more impressed with but whenever it surfaced, it always surprised her. She didn't know how to respond, she didn't know what to say. She felt herself getting lost in his eyes.

Oh, you are drunk, she thought to herself as she broke their eye contact.

"It's okay," she said gently, she looked back at him briefly and smiled.

"It's not okay, and it never was so I'm sorry." He said sincerely.

She cleared her throat lightly, "Well it seems you're over exhibiting that behavior and that's all that matters, but thanks."

"You're welcome." He said.

"What time is it? Is my 20 minutes up?" she asked him suddenly.

"You really think another drink is a good idea?" he asked gently.

"You thought I was gonna forget, huh?" She asked him, smiling.

"Yeah, it seemed like a good trick." He said seriously.

"Oh my god, I love this song…" She began. Alex hadn't even noticed any music was playing until she had pointed it out. "Do you have two left feet?" She asked suddenly.

"What?" Alex asked, seemingly confused.

"Are you a good dancer?" She asked.

"Not good, no."

"I'm sure you're not that bad." Addison replied as she slid off her stool and grabbed his hand, she felt the alcohol a whole lot more now that she was standing up, or maybe it was because she stood up too fast but it took her a second before she attempted to walk away from the bar. Alex however didn't budge. Addison took another step until their arms were somewhat extended and he suddenly pulled her hand back, as the rest of her followed.

"Wait…wait, I have to tell you something." He said seriously, studying her eyes.

"Something you can't tell me while we're dancing?" She asked, she suddenly realized how close their bodies were as she stood in front of him.

Addison, get a grip, if you're gonna dance with him, he's gonna be closer than this, she reasoned with herself.

"I don't think me dancing is such a good idea," he said, rather attentive of their proximity, she was so close he could see the flecks of gold in her eye color.

"And why not?" She asked.

"Because uh…" he started, he saw her bite the inside of her mouth and it made him loose his train of thought. "I don't dance in front of people."

She smiled at his response, the uncertainty in his face was precious, he almost looked like a little kid.

"It's not a performance." She said simply.

"Yes, I realize that. I mean, I don't dance in public. You know, where other people might see me."

"So…what? You only dance in the comfort and privacy of your own home?" She asked.

"Yeah, basically."

"Well, I can't dance by myself," she pouted.

"How about some other time?" he asked her gently, he lifted his hand to brush a strand of hair away that had fallen in her face. Addison suddenly felt his thumb rubbing gently on the back of her hand as she realized their fingers were still intertwined.

Have we been holding hands this whole time? she thought to herself, slightly panicking. What are you thinking?

Addison nodded lightly as she let go of his hand and sat back on the barstool.

"Joe! I'd like another please!" She said.

Alex couldn't believe it, she was drinking like a damn fish. Everything inside of him caused him to be increasingly curious about what had been so bad about Addison's day that she felt the only option she had was to drink the pain away. Something had happened and he desperately wanted to know what.

"Did you drive here?" Alex asked her quickly.

"No." She said plainly. Something about her mood had changed rather swiftly. She seemed less happy and more somber.

"You took a cab?"

"Yes."

"You should let me take you home." He suggested.

"I'm not ready to go home." She replied gently. Feeling the weight of her words. "Oh, wait…I don't have a home to go to." She said as Joe placed her drink in front of her.

She smiled her thanks.

"Where are you staying?" asked Alex.

"A hotel, it's only a couple blocks away, I think I might walk."

"You shouldn't walk…" he began but she cut him off.

"The fresh air will sober me up a little bit, it'll be nice." She declared as she sipped her drink.

"You shouldn't walk by yourself. That's not very safe, just let me drive you."

She looked over at him for a moment. "And you shouldn't be driving, Mr. chug Addison's drink."

"Well, I've reached my limit for tonight. You, obviously, have not."

"I'm limitless," she said sadly, staring at her drink.

"Why?" he questioned softly.

"Hmm, why what?" She asked, still staring at her drink.

"Why are you so limitless?" He asked concentrating on her apparent sadness.

"It just…helps." She said finally, bringing the straw to her lips.

"I hear talking about it helps, too." He offered, he was trying every angle he could to get her to open up to him. He felt like she wanted to but something was stopping her; the air of sadness around her was almost overwhelming, it was there one minute and then gone the next.

"Not as much as numbing it does." She said quietly.

"Do you want some company?" He asked her suddenly.

"What?" She asked, confused glancing at him briefly.

"On your walk. Do you want any company?" He asked her, hoping she would say yes.

Addison had thought that he was pretty much out of kind-hearted, sweet gestures but alas, he was far from being predictable lately.

"Yeah, I do." She replied, "But you don't have…" He cut her off.

"I know, I don't have to do it but I want to." He assured her.

"Okay." She said finally. She quickly took another sip of her drink, put some bills on the counter and slid off her barstool. "Let's go."

As they made their way out of the bar, she felt Alex's hand on the small of her back lightly directing her to go before him through the doors. The cold air hit Addison in the face rather harshly and she immediately became more alert.

"Geez, you were right about this air." Alex said as they made their way in the direction of the hotel.

"I know, I love it. It's incredibly refreshing," Addison replied as she took a deep breath. She was concentrating on walking straight and not tripping, or falling on her face. She, however had no idea she was failing at the walking correctly part. Alex reached for her arm to steady her lightly, she instinctually linked her arm with his to re-gain her coordination as they continued walking in the direction of the hotel.

"These damn shoes aren't helping." Addison exclaimed.

"You being drunk isn't helping; you walk in those shoes just fine." He replied.

Addison smiled to herself as they continued walking. Everything about what had happened to her that night seem surreal and unfinished, and with the unexpected way it was going now, she didn't really know what it all meant. All she knew was she felt empty and Alex was the only person who made her feel normal, he was the only one who didn't pressure her or yell at her or demean her or anything like that; she just wasn't ready to let go of that.

They walked the majority of the rest of the way in silence. When they reached the entrance of the hotel, Alex slowed his pace. Addison turned around to face him.

"You should come up, let me make you some coffee." She offered.

"Are you sure? You should probably just pass out." He said.

"It'll help with the alcohol; plus it's freezing, but it's up to you." She said finally, silently praying that he'd accept her offer.

"Okay, sure." He replied.

They made their way through the hotel doors and into the elevator. Addison halfway expected a wisecrack about the last time they had been in an elevator together but it never came. She silently thanked him for leaving it alone. Once they were let off on her floor, they walked to her hotel room and she stopped to dig in her bag for the hotel key, which it took forever to find, and once she found it, she couldn't manage to slide the card into the slot correctly. Alex tried to contain his apparent laughter but watching her struggle was the cutest, funniest thing ever.

"You're doing it wrong." He offered.

"I know how to do it, thank you!" She said seriously, still struggling with the key.

Am I really that drunk? She asked herself silently. She heard Alex's laughter as she continued to try.

"I am perfectly capable of opening my hotel room door." She said, seeming to be talking to herself more than to him. "Is it really that funny?" She asked him suddenly, glancing at him as he leaned against the doorframe.

"You have no idea." He said, still laughing. Finally she put the key in the right way and opened the door.

"Yes." She said, laughing a little. His laughter seemed contagious.

Neither one of them had seen him, but Mark Sloane could feel his blood boil as he observed the pair, from down the hall, walk into Addison's hotel room as their laughter was muffled by the door closing behind them.


	7. Complicated is An Understatement

Chapter 7: Complicated is An Understatement

The first thing Addison did once she got through the door was take off her heels. She dropped her bag on the table and rubbed her hands together.

"Sit anywhere you want, you've got a choice of the bed or the couch." She said mocking enthusiasm.

Alex looked around her hotel room, everything was neat; the room was spotless. Addison went over to the big oak TV stand and opened the sliding doors on it to reveal the TV, she turned it on and threw the remote on the bed. She had a mini bar in the corner, next to a coffee machine, he saw quite an extravagant bouquet of flowers next to it. His eyes fixated on them.

"TV's on, watch whatever. I'm gonna use the bathroom and then make us coffee." Addison said, glancing at him as he went to sit on the couch. She walked into the bathroom and closed the door.

Alex sat surveying the room silently, found himself looking again, at those flowers; it was such a detailed and unique arrangement of flowers. He found himself wondering who had sent her those flowers.

Several minutes went by and Addison came out. Running her hands through her hair she made her way to the coffee machine. She proceeded to fix the coffee and let it brew.

"What are we watching?" She asked.

"I don't know, I didn't even get the remote." He replied.

Addison waited near the coffee machine for it to finish. Alex observed her demeanor from her seat. She was carefully twirling a piece of hair around her finger as she watched the coffee pot. His vision blurred briefly as he tried to focus on her again but he felt the alcohol in his veins. He closed his eyes for a moment.

"Wake up." Addison said about three minutes later, she sounded much closer to him than she had previously been. He opened his eyes, she was sitting next to him on the couch with her knees up, pulled close to her; extending his coffee mug to him. "Here, be careful it's hot."

"Thanks." He said, taking the mug from her.

"It's black. Helps the pre-hangover better; so you won't actually get the hangover." Said Addison smiling.

"I used to drink coffee black in med school." Said Alex, absentmindedly glancing at the TV.

"Yeah, I did too. This better start saving me shortly." Said Addison softly as she put her forehead in her hand, referring to her coffee and the slight whirling in her head.

"Hmm, that almost sounds like a little bit of regret." He teased her lightly.

"Not regret, no." She said gently.

"So the secret admirer's got excellent taste." said Alex suddenly.

"What?" Addison asked confused, she looked over at him, brushing her hair from her face.

"In flowers, that is…" began Alex blandly. _And in women, _he thought.

"Oh, I know, aren't they gorgeous? They make the room smell amazing." She said as she glanced over at her flowers. "Too bad the admirer isn't much of a secret." She added half-kidding.

"Well I think that just told me what I wanted to know."

"And he doesn't have such great taste. He didn't pick out those flowers, he never even saw them, the 1-800 flowers guy did all that." She said flatly, eyeing the beautiful bouquet.

"Did you throw away the note?" Alex asked quietly.

Addison looked over at him, stunned by what he was asking. Completely stunned. Less with the question and more with the fact that she had actually thrown the note away. How had he known that?

Addison tried to downplay the look of surprise on her face. She nodded lightly, "How did you know that?"

Alex glanced at her and shrugged slightly. "I guessed."

"Really?" She asked inquisitively.

"Yeah, it's no where around the bouquet, and something about the way he gallivants around the hospital in search of you every 2 or 3 hours, leads me to believe his ego wouldn't let him not attach a note." Said Alex.

"Does he really look for me?" She asked him seriously.

"Uh, yeah. I'm your intern, usually people who are looking for you who don't page you, ask me," He replied, taking another sip of his coffee.

"What do you tell him?" She asked, sounding interested.

"That I don't know. Which is usually true anyways." Alex replied, glancing over at her.

"I have been making myself scarce." Addison said plainly, looking at the mug in her hands.

"You shouldn't have to do that." Said Alex suddenly.

Addison shrugged.

"So you throw out the note but keep the flowers?" asked Alex, still rather fixated on the flowers in general.

Addison seemed to frown momentarily as she looked back at her flowers. "Well, look at them!" She exclaimed.

"Good point."

Addison continued to look at the flowers, feeling a sense of nostalgia come over her as she thought about the last time someone had sent her flowers, it was one weekend about three months ago when Derek had been at a medical conference in L.A; he's sent her the most exquisite orchids she had ever seen. The flash of Derek's face in her mind stung her insides. It had been one of his less than selfish acts and those flowers had created a good memory. She remembered how strong she felt when she received them and how certain, she remembered feeling such hope and faith, that maybe her and Derek would endure. Feeling like maybe they would really make it; that their love was that strong.

_Oh, Addy: you were such a fool, _she thought to herself.

In the silence, she had been aware of her sadness but hadn't really acknowledged it, it wasn't until she felt her eyes burning from tears forming as she quickly blinked them away.

_Don't be that female, Addison. Get it together, _she told herself.

The last thing she wanted to do was break down in front of Alex. She just didn't want to be that girl. Plus extreme emotions breed intensity and her and Alex had compiled enough of that themselves to last a good while. She took a deep breath, lightly rubbing the corner of her eyes discreetly with her fingertips. She was thankful for the hair that was slightly covering her face as she tilted her head.

Alex observed Addison's frame, she looked almost cold, the way her knees were huddled up near her chin, where her coffee mug was resting on her knees as she clutched it with her left hand. He noticed a slight shake in her shoulders, he wondered for a moment whether it was real or just a drunken dilution. Addison finally ran her hands through her hair and took a sip of coffee, still feeling the alcohol shifting it's way through her blood stream. Alex saw the sadness on Addison's face, it was painstakingly clear; she literally looked like, at any moment, she could just start crying. The way her face was trying to conceal it, made him feel instantly lost.

He stared at her for a few more seconds and then got up slowly; catching her attention as he walked over to the TV and turned it off. He turned on the stereo in a CD player next to the TV. A soothing jazz song sprang from the player. Addison watched him from her spot on the couch wondering what he was doing. She almost wanted to ask but decided against it, she thought that in her current state her voice might shake.

Alex walked over to Addison and stopped once he was standing in front of her. She looked at him blankly, wondering what he was going to do. The sadness in her eyes made him pause briefly.

"Get up." He said lightly, putting out his hand.

"I don't really feel…" she started to exclaim but he reached down and took her hands, pulling her up.

Addison studied his expression as he put his hand on her waist and put her hand on his shoulder, as he enclosed his other hand over hers, moving her body dangerously close to his.

"Dance." He said softly, looking into her eyes.

Addison stared at him feeling the firmness of his shoulders underneath her fingertips, feeling the shape of his hand on the small of her back as she felt the strength of his other hand holding on to hers, her legs wouldn't move. She searched his eyes for some sort of sign or message or something. He repeated himself.

"Dance." He said smoothly, giving her a look of reassurance.

Addison dropped her head and squeezed her eyes shut as she rested the top of her head on the side of his chin and started slowly swaying to the song. Addison felt positively unglued. She felt as if, if he hadn't been holding her she would have just collapsed on the floor from surprise, her anxiety and the compiled nerves she'd been sitting on all day, hell, all week. Addison blinked away some tears that had forced there way into her eyes. Addison took a breath to try and keep her tears at bay. Alex felt her tremble slightly against him and he slid his hand across her back bringing her more tightly to him. Addison closed her eyes; feeling the intensity of the moment, which almost overtook her.

Addison opened her palm and flattened it against his upper chest, putting her arm around his neck to fully embrace him. He held her tight, rubbing his hand over her back as he heard her exhale, she felt the tears fall down her face. She held on to him as if her life depended on it as the tears kept coming, she knew he could tell; she so absolutely heartbroken. Addison buried her head in his neck to muffle her cries.

"It's okay…" whispered Alex as he held her. "You're okay."

"I'm sorry," she began. He shushed her, continuing to rub her back as she cried.

"Look at me." he said after a while, pulling back a little to attempt and read her eyes. She wouldn't meet them, looking past him as she placed a hand over her mouth silently, battling her ever-increasing display of demons.

"Hey…hey, look at me…" he pleaded. She finally gave in, looking at him. Alex saw such devastation in her face, in gave him chills. He stared at her for a moment and then gently brushed the tears from her face with his fingers, the care in his approach seemed unparallel.

"I know you feel scared and lost…" he began, placing the hand that was brushing her tears away, gently on the side of her face. "…and that's okay; but I don't want you to ever think that you're alone. Because you're not alone."

Addison nodded her head lightly, as she took a breath to calm herself. "I'm sorry…" she began, "You were just trying to be nice and I just break down all over you. That wasn't fair." She whispered.

"No apologies, you didn't do anything wrong. I don't want to ever push you to talk about something you're not ready to discuss but when you are I swear to you I'll listen to every word."

Addison stared at him silently, she felt as if she was trying to remember every aspect of his face. The tips of her fingers tingled as his eyes briefly dropped to her mouth. His thumb lightly traced along her chin, as she became more aware of his hand that remained on her waist; she felt his pinkie against the skin of her lower back. Their eye contact continued in a tumultuous dual as they both contemplated their need for the other.

Addison leaned forward slowly as Alex's hand slid across her neck and into her hair. She stopped when their lips were merely centimeters apart, Alex made no immediate move to close the gap. Addison felt his other hand move up her back bringing her body closer. Alex moved forward suddenly closing the subtle space between their mouths, kissing her softly and purposefully. Addison's mind was spinning as her mouth responded to his slowly prying lips. Her fingertips grazed through the short hair at the nape of his neck. Addison inhaled through her mouth as he kissed her upper lip and his tongue went searching for hers; Addison felt her breathe catch at the sensation. They continued to slowly kiss as Alex's fingers ran through her hair; Addison's lips started in on his with more urgency, feeling his arms tighten around her body she gasped for a breath, tearing her lips from his. Alex briefly kissed her again on the mouth, Addison breathed deeply, trying to catch her breath and regain her composure.

Alex searched her eyes as she shifted her gaze down and closed her eyes.

"I'm sorry…" she whispered.

"Shh…shhh. It's fine…" he began, his hand still in her hair as he gently brushed his lips against her cheek, and then against her forehead.

Addison's heart broke. As much as it was everything she wanted at this very moment; she just couldn't do it.

"I'm sorry," she whispered again, pulling back, trying to catch his eyes. "I just can't, I hate that I'm doing this. It's not fair to you."

"No, no don't do that; it was my fault, you were upset, I just…" he trailed off, loosing his train of thought as she bit her lip.

"I know." She said, nodding her head slightly, "There's just way too much going on right now with me. I'm such a mess." She said sadly.

Alex shook his head lightly as he ran his hand down her shoulder and he put more distance between them. He almost didn't trust himself to be that close to him, one part of him wanted to just protect and shelter her and the other part wanted to have her right then, right there on the floor.

"I'm sorry," she said again, she kept replaying what had just happened between them in her head and it still made her weak in the knees. Even though he was no longer holding her; she could still feel him. They stood in silence for a moment.

"I don't want you to be sorry. You don't need to be. I want you to trust me. I know that you're going through a lot right now and if I can do anything at all; please let me."

"You've done more than you know already." She said quietly. "I really didn't need to be alone tonight."

"You're not alone."

Addison looked away, she couldn't get pulled back in. She had to be strong, she liked him too much to sleep with him now and complicate her life more than it already was. She knew he deserved more than that and she wanted that for him; even if he did kiss like his entire existence depended on it.

"When I'm ready to talk about it, you'll be the first to know." She assured him lightly, trying to convey her appreciation.

"You look tired, maybe I should…" Alex started.

"No, please…stay." Addison cut him off quickly. "Drink the rest of your coffee." She finished.

He looked up at her and slowly nodded his head, agreeing to stay.


	8. I'll See You Soon

Chapter 8: I'll See You Soon

Addison sat straight up in her bed, waking suddenly out of a pretty deep sleep; clutching her heart. She felt instantly relieved when she realized it was a dream. Dreams like that weren't fun, they weren't fun at all. She took a couple deep breaths as she fell back into the bed, resting her head on her pillow. She felt the covers of the bed twisted around her body as she closed her eyes, pulling the comforter over her head. She squeezed her eyes shut wondering why her head was hurting.

That damn Vodka, she thought to herself, lying very still, she reached up to rub her temples lightly. She was silently cursing herself for drinking the night before. She hadn't even remembered getting into bed. Her eyes shot open as she suddenly recalled who had accompanied her the whole night, she felt her pulse quicken as she remembered their kiss.

Oh my God Addison, how could you do this? She thought to herself, panicking slightly. She suddenly realized she hadn't remembered him leaving. She pushed the covers away from her face and let her eyes adjust to the darkness. She looked down at her body, she silently thanked God that she was fully clothed under her covers. She looked around the room, focusing on the couch, thinking maybe he had fallen asleep on it but she couldn't really make out anything in the dark as she squinted her eyes. She tried to listen for deep breathing.

I wonder if he's asleep on the floor, she thought keeping her eyes on the foot of the bed.

She got up slowly, walking cautiously toward the bathroom and turning on it's light, which poured out at an angle in the rest of the room. She looked around, her eyes slowly adjusting to the light. She surveyed her entire hotel room and didn't see him anywhere. She instantly felt her disappointment and looked at the clock. 4:27

Stop being a baby, you're a grown woman, she thought to herself as she left the bathroom light on and crawled back into the bed. She sat in the middle of the bed with the covers wrapped securely around her shoulders. She looked around her hotel room trying to jog her memory of the events of the night before.

She remembered being on the couch with him, her eyes surveyed the flowers and she quickly recalled the emotional misery of recalling a certain memory having to do with flowers. She remembered their kiss, as she looked in the direction of open space in front of the TV. She covered her face with her hands as the backs of them rested on her knees that were curled up under her.

How did you let this happen? She thought to herself.

She was like a glutton for punishment or something because this was the last thing she needed. She couldn't be anything to anyone else because she couldn't even be anything to herself. She was so lost and confused and she had no clue how she was going to feel from one hour to the next and now this? Now her and Alex had shared something that shifted her perception 360 degrees and the part that killed her was she knew it was going to happen. All signs pointed to it happening eventually, their entire relationship had evolved since that day in the elevator. As much as she tried to downplay it in her mind she had known all along. Their kiss flashed through her head again and she could feel his arms around her, the memory of that moment burned deeply in her psyche. She remembered the feel of his lips on hers and the excitement she felt as she let him take control for those seven seconds.

She took a deep breath again, silently searching for the courage to make sense of this. She looked around the room, trying to collect her thoughts and her eyes settled on a piece of paper on the nightstand next to her clock.

What is that? She wondered silently to herself. She reached over and snatched the piece of paper up and read what was written on it.

Addison,

I couldn't bring myself to wake you. The pout goes to serious work when you are sleeping. I'll see you soon.

Alex

She looked over the note again and again in her fingers, just picturing his face and envisioning him saying those words to her. She silently placed the note back on her night stand and fell back into bed, trying to convince herself that sleep for another half an hour would be a good idea. She was silently tortured by the images of him that wouldn't leave her head as she tried to fall back asleep. She didn't understand what it was with him but the connection they had developed seemed to do nothing but thrive in her mind, which meant in reality, it was nothing less than amazing and that scared the hell out of her.

Addison had come to the conclusion that coaching herself would only yield more frazzled nerves. She didn't want to rationalize it away, yet she didn't want it to be all she thought about for the rest of the day. She had enough to deal with. Hell, she'd had plenty to deal with before last night. She couldn't help but think she'd only dug herself into a deeper hole. She knew she couldn't pursue anything with Alex but at the same time whatever it was that was going on between them wasn't going to cease upon request because she couldn't handle it.

Easy doesn't enter into real life, she told herself silently.

"Dr. Montgomery…"

Addison turned towards the voice that had interrupted her thoughts. Izzie Stevens stood in front of her, with her hands in her pockets. Addison almost instantly remembered the mumblings she had heard regarding what had went on between Izzie and Alex prior to Denny. As suddenly as the feeling started to resonate through her, she pushed it away quickly.

"Dr. Stevens," she replied, offering her a warm smile. "It's nice to have you back."

"Thanks," Izzie responded tentatively, "I mean, if you could call it that."

Addison seemed slightly taken aback. "Call it what?"

"This equating to me being back. I dig through poop, I listen to patients speak but I can't interact with them, I run on errands. I'm not really back. I'm just…here." Izzie said trying to mask her cynicism with introspection.

Addison nodded her head lightly, sympathizing with Izzie's obvious frustration. "Well, at least you are here. That's what is important."

Izzie nodded her head lightly, not really wanting to recognize how sweet Addison had been to her. It would be easier to dislike her if she was a raging bitch but she wasn't. She was just Addison Forbes Montgomery; the increasingly gorgeous, wickedly intelligent, masterfully professional and a woman who owned one hell of a wardrobe.

Jealousy doesn't suit me, Izzie thought shaking those thoughts from her head.

"Dr. Shepard is looking for you." Izzie said, relaying the message she was meant to send in the first place.

Addison looked surprised suddenly. "He is?" She questioned, looking unsure.

Izzie noted the obvious shock on her face.

"Yeah, he needs a consult." She replied evenly.

"Is his patient pregnant?" Addison asked trying to delve into whether this was just professional or his way of trying to get near her and in turn, get to her.

"Yeah, she says she's about five weeks along."

"Okay," said Addison nodding her head, beginning to make her way around Izzie, she suddenly stopped and turned around to face her again. "Have you seen Alex?"

She's kidding right, using his first name, what is this? Thought Izzie, feeling put off.

"Isn't he your intern?" she questioned, the tone in her voice was hard to miss. Addison scrunched her eyebrows, mildly shocked at her somewhat overt admission, formed in the way of a question.

"Yeah, uh…If you see him…." she trailed off, observing Izzie's demeanor, Addison could tell she was holding it all at bay, she appeared too calm. Suddenly it clicked; Addison knew Izzie was boiling inside. Addison turned her head and walked away.

Seriously? What the hell is going on? Izzie thought as she stood watching her walk away.

"So what do we have?" Said Addison as she looked over Amanda Light's chart. She had been feeling Derek's eyes focus on her every couple minutes, when he would try to make a point; she wouldn't meet his gaze.

This is strictly professional, she thought to herself. You are not going to break me.

"Order another CT, I need an ultrasound; Amanda are you on any prenatal vitamins?" Addison asked the young girl.

She shook her head. Addison scribbled neatly on the papers in her arms.

"Dr. Shepard can I speak with you?" Derek said, meeting Addison eyes finally. He held their eye contact and gave her a look that she would know anywhere till the day that she died. That's what 11 years of marriage does to you. It brands your existence with your husband's heart.

Addison turned around and walked out of the young women's room followed closely by Derek. When she turned around to face him, she stepped back to create more distance between them.

"What's wrong?" Derek asked her, running his eyes over her face, something was off; he knew her.

"Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to, Derek. If you want a consult, that's what you'll get but don't even try to pull this with me."

"You're not going to tell me what's wrong?" Derek asked calmly.

"I'm fine." Addison said evenly.

Derek could see that she was tired, and this was how she usually got with him when she hadn't slept much the night before. He just used to know all the right buttons to push. The operative phrase in the prior sentence is: used to.

Addison eyed Derek as his focus changed to over her shoulder, Derek scoffed lightly and rolled his eyes.

"You were looking for me?" said a voice from behind her, causing her to turn around and step back. Addison immediately felt the tension as soon as Alex reached where they had been standing.

"Yeah," Addison said handing Alex the clipboard of stats she had written down, looking quickly back and forth between them. "I need to go run her blood work." She finished firmly, looking at Derek.

"Why don't you have your intern do that for you?" asked Derek evenly, he was masking his irritation well, seemingly patronizing Addison.

"Why don't you quit telling me how to do my job." Addison said to him, lowering her voice, as to not draw any attention towards them.

"I need to know whether I can operate on her soon, Addison." Derek said, his tone a little harsh.

"I realize that, Derek."

Addison shook her head, and put up a hand up as she started to walk away. She paused suddenly after a few steps when she realized Alex was still standing behind her. He had made no move to follow. She turned around and saw Derek and Alex both standing eyeing the other not speaking.

"Karev." Addison said quickly. "Let's go."

Alex didn't move. Addison almost felt like he hadn't heard her.

"Karev… Hello." Addison said, standing there praying that testosterone wouldn't supersede common sense.

Alex paused slightly and then turned and starting walking toward Addison. Derek observed Addison as she watched Alex approach her; he saw the attentiveness in her eyes. She stopped searching Alex's face as he reached her and they started off in the other direction.

Derek watched them, feeling his jaw bone tighten as he grit down on his teeth.

I really dislike that kid, Derek thought, feeling somewhat disconcerted. He turned around and walked back into his patients room.

"What was that all about?" Addison asked him once they were far enough away.

"What was what all about?" Alex replied.

"Don't even try to be evasive." She said evenly, "You know you shouldn't do things like that." She said, stopping in her tracks.

Alex stopped walking but didn't turn around to face her immediately, she didn't say anything so he finally closed his eyes, took a deep breath and turned around, looking into her eyes. She wanted to know why., he could tell. The need for an explanation was written plainly on her face.

"I didn't like the way he was talking to you." Alex said simply.

Damn, damn, damn and the electricity never expires. Thought Addison. She was touched that he was so protective but at the same time knew he couldn't be taking part in any threatening eye duals with attending's at that hospital.

"I am touched that you are looking out for me but it's not your job to deal with Derek on my behave. I can deal with him. I don't even want you involved."

"I am involved." Alex said firmly.

Addison looked away from him briefly, taking a deep breath, letting the renewed tension in the air sit.

"I'm stronger than you think." Addison said lightly, folding her arms.

"I don't doubt how strong you are for a second," he started defending her to herself. "I see that fire in you every day. This hospital isn't big enough for his ego."

"Most doctors tend to have big egos." She said trying to reason with him, the determination in his face made her heart melt. "You're an intern, you know the rules. Don't overtly go against an attending. Why would you even put yourself in that position? It's not worth it."

Alex looked into Addison's galvanic eyes and he felt his throat close. He suddenly dropped their eye contact and cleared his throat.

"I just don't want you fighting my battles for me, especially if it's at the expense of yourself."

"Fine." Alex said flatly, giving up. "I'll go run her blood work." He finished lifting his hand up, which held the chart. Addison knew he was agitated still, she could read it all over his face, as he started backing up to walk away.

"Alex…" she began softly.

"No… it's fine. Fine." he said, putting up his hands and walking away.

Addison watched him walk away until he was no longer in her view.

"Addison, what are you thinking?" Mark exclaimed as he shut the door to the break room, after entering it when he saw her in it alone.

"I'm pleased we're so far past pleasantries." She said sarcastically as she drank her coffee, sighing loudly as his obviously childish antics was interrupting the first actual 10 minutes she had all day to just sit down and attempt at the collection of her thoughts. Mark was about to make her mood seventeen times worse than it already was.

"Him?" asked Mark being annoyingly unclear.

"Mark, what are you talking about? I don't rind minds. Who?" Addison said.

"Your intern. Are you out of your mind Addison?" Mark asked, slightly raising his voice. He was obviously angry. She silently thanked God that she hadn't run into him earlier.

"No, Mark. I am not out of my mind but you obviously are out of yours. What are you even babbling about?"

"I saw you two so don't even bother to deny it."

"You saw me and Alex Karev… where did you see us?" she asked suddenly, interested in his response.

"I saw you going into your room last night Addison. Are you kidding me? That green-assed intern. He's a complete yuppie."

"Mark, shut up. It's not my fault that you had to get your hotel room on the same floor as me, I'm sorry you happened to see the two of us last night and not that it's any of your business whatsoever but nothing's going on between me and Alex Karev. So just get over yourself."

"So what, you two just had an ultra fun platonic sleepover last night? Come on Addy, I'm not an idiot."

"I really don't even see how this concerns you."

"You concern me, Addison. Stop being a brat." Mark said sharply.

"You are an asshole. We had coffee, we talked, he left."

"Yeah, whatever."

"Mark, do me a favor, if you happen to see me at the hotel again, just walk in the opposite direction." Addison finished as she got up and moved to walk past him.

"I don't know why you're doing this."

"You don't need to." replied Addison and walked out.


	9. My Undoing

Chapter 9: My Undoing

Addison sat quietly on the floor, with her back against the wall, her arms rested on her raised knees, as she lightly traced her finger around her hand. Many things were running through her head; she had been sitting on the wall thinking for a while. After the day she had had it really seemed to calm her, she almost felt like she would gain more perspective with the subtle hints of life throughout the second floor and not cold silence. Addison went to glance at her watch and realized she didn't have it on. She hadn't changed out of her scrubs since her last delivery. She took a deep breath, yawned tiredly and rolled her neck gently; trying to elevate the built up tension residing there, she ran her finger and thumb over her eyebrows lightly and sighed. Addison wasn't aware of another person's presence until she felt him standing beside her, she had heard the footsteps but when they didn't walk past her busily, she looked over towards where they were coming from. She met the expressive eyes of Alex Karev, her heart jumped slightly because he was the last person she expected to see; she'd thought he had left after he had finished scrubbing in on her last c-section. Apparently he had stuck around.

"Hey," she said lightly, searching his eyes to read his mood, she instantly noticed that he was different than earlier; he almost seemed sad.

"Hi," he replied as he offered her a gentle nod. Alex's pulse quickened briefly as she held his eye contact but didn't attempt to say anything else. He walked around her suddenly and sat down on the floor next to her, she watched him curiously trying to gage his temperament. She quickly shifted her eyes back to her hands as he took a deep breath. She glanced back at him briefly; he looked a mix of discouraged and tired.

"You okay?" She asked gently. Her curiosity had gotten the best of her, she'd let her concern show: for now, at least. Alex nodded his head lightly, his mouth forming into a cute frown. Addison interlaced her fingers as she surveyed Alex's face. Something was off; she wondered if he was still agitated about earlier. She decided to let the silence sit for awhile; she knew he'd tell her when he was ready.

"You know, for the longest time, I didn't think my dad would ever hit my mom." He began slowly. Addison's heart leapt hearing him begin to engage in telling her a story from his past, an obviously painful one, at that. "Until one day, when I heard it." Addison remained silent, listening intently; Alex could feel her eyes on his face as he looked straight ahead. Alex cleared his throat lightly before he continued. "I just thought they fought all the time. Or maybe it's what I wanted to think…" He trailed off lightly seeming to need to re-gather his thoughts before he continued. Addison waited, she wanted desperately for him to go on. "I remember lying in my bed one night and they were just screaming at each other, well; it was mostly him. She always tried to keep her voice down; she didn't want me to hear her, even though she knew I'd hear him. All of a sudden, I just heard it. He was yelling and..." He trailed off again, Addison felt her heart break. She was suddenly reminded about how little they really knew about one another. She had no clue about his history; he had mere glimpses of hers. "I remember laying there and wishing that it was me instead of her." Addison closed her eyes suddenly, warding off the horrible mental image of a young Alex scared in his bed after listening to his mother get hit.

"I'm sorry," she began lightly, "That must have been horrible for you."

"I was naive to believe her when she would tell me she was just accident prone. She would have these bruises on her arms and she used to convince me it was from leaving the cabinets open and the corners jabbing into her arms while she was running around the kitchen. I can't believe I used to believe that."

"Of course you believed her, she's your mother." Addison offered gently, trying to quickly catch his eyes. He wouldn't meet them.

"Those bruises were from him grabbing and shaking her, not from any damn cabinet." He said, the words falling out with renewed pain. It took everything inside of Addison to not reach out and touch him, to not offer some sense of alleviation to him. When she realized where they were, she was thankful she had decided against it. His voice sounded so heavy, laced with such anger and resentment. "I don't remember the last time I told anybody that."

"Well I'm glad you told me." she replied sincerely.

"I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for letting her go through that."

"You were a child. She was not your responsibility, you were hers."

He sat on that statement for awhile, knowing deep in his heart she was right, he had never really gotten over the abuse he and his mom had suffered at the hands of his father. He shook his head suddenly. "I could have done something." He said finally.

"What could you have done?" she questioned earnestly, catching his eyes. The concern Alex saw in her gaze floored him. Her kindness and grace was unwavering. How had he not noticed it for so long? He knew why. Because they hadn't been like this, the way they were now. What they shared had evolved so naturally; he was beyond drawn to her and her to him.

"It haunts me." He began softly, "It just does."

Addison nodded her head slightly, feeling the urge to reach out and touch him again; ignoring it she replied gently, "I know."

"There was something in his tone today..."

_Today? _thought Addison, trying to quickly put the pieces together in her mind. _He's talking about something else… he's referring to earlier today._

"...it just, I didn't mean for it to get like that."

"I know." She assured him.

"I hate that he's the reason why you're so unhappy."

"One of the reasons."

Addison felt like she was beginning to put two and two together. The brief arguement he had witnessed earlier had conjured up memories from his past. Painful memories that had some effect on who he was today. "Alex, Derek is known to be rather impossible but I know he'd never physically hurt me."

"You don't know that." Alex replied quickly.

"I do." Addison said convincingly.

"Well, I don't." He said firmly. He had a point. He didn't know what kind of man Derek was, all he knew was what kind of doctor and vaguely what kind of husband. Not a very good one regarding the latter.

They sat in silence for a moment. They were both contemplating the weight of the conversation.

"The way I acted this morning was based on instinct, I wasn't thinking about getting into trouble or being yelled at." Alex explained slowly. "I wasn't even thinking that he was an attending. I just saw him being an ass to you and I reacted."

"And I understand that." Addison added steadily. "You just can't let him get to you, that's exactly what he wants."

"It's his backhanded way of fighting for you."

Addison shook her head slowly, "He's just jealous."

"He misses you, and it's his own damn fault." Alex said simply.

Addison went silent. _Someone misses you, too._ She thought.

"You have a protector all your own, you know?" She questioned suddenly, glancing in his direction.

"A protector? I don't need protection." Alex seemed confused.

_Yeah, you do,_ she thought. _From me and all the mess that comes with me._

"You'd be surprised." She whispered.

"What do you mean?" He questioned.

"How serious were you and Izzie Stevens?" Addison answered his question with a question of her own.

"We were uh…complicated."

"Meaning?"

_Great, she wants me to elaborate._ Alex thought to himself.

"We were never officially together but everybody assumed we were."

"Why weren't you official?"

Alex shrugged his shoulders lightly, "I don't know. I just couldn't commit to her. I was different then. And then the whole Denny thing happened and…"

Addison wondered what had caused him to not finish his sentence. She wondered if the whole Denny thing still got to him. She had heard that Izzie and Alex were trying to work things out but then Denny came along and Alex had felt completely upstaged.

"Why these questions about Izzie?" Alex inquired.

Addison shook her head lightly, clearing her throat. "I was just wondering, her and I had a bit of a conversation this morning."

"A conversation?" The surprise in his voice was hard to miss. "About what?"

"Not really about anything but you came up and…" Addison trailed off.

"And…what?" He questioned further.

"It just seems like she really cares about you."

"Is she the 'protector' you were referring to?"

Addison nodded her head. "I think she sort of got the wrong impression."

"How could she?"

"I don't know, all I did was ask her if she'd seen you and she just… I don't know."

"She's just a little on edge because she's just getting back in the swing of things, Bailey won't let her do anything, basically she just shadows a different doctor everyday. I'm sure she's just stir crazy."

"Hmm, probably." Addison replied, deciding to drop it. She felt weird talking to Alex about one of his ex-girlfriends. It wasn't really any of her business and it wasn't really even her place.

"Thanks for my note." Addison said suddenly. She had been meaning to thank him all day but the events of the day had caused it to slip her mind.

"Oh, you're welcome."

"I'm sure I horribly embarrassed myself and you were kind enough to not mention it today."

"You didn't embarrass yourself and I'm glad I was there."

"What time did you leave?" She asked curiously.

"Well, you completely passed out at 2 and I left after that."

"I don't even remember falling asleep." She said lightly, recalling her skewed memories of the night before.

"What do you remember?" Alex asked suddenly. Addison already knew what he was referring to, they hadn't even addressed the issue of the kiss they had shared. Addison didn't even really want to go there.

"I remember everything but falling asleep." She answered vaguely. "I didn't mean to be so overwhelming."

"You weren't overwhelming; you were just honest. Or you seemed that way."

"I tend to get like that when I'm intoxicated. You have a lot of practice drying tears?"

"Only some."

"Well, I'm sorry I unloaded on you." She apologized sincerely.

"You didn't." He stated plainly.

"What do you mean?" She asked, looking over at him. She knew she had been more than just a drunken handful the night before. She could only imagine how she really seemed to him.

"You didn't unload on me. That would mean you revealed why you were so upset; that never happened."

"Maybe that's for the best."

"And maybe not, it's not good to keep it all bottled up."

"I know, I'll probably let you know one of these days."

"But not today?" he questioned, glancing at her.

Addison shook her head lightly. "I think today has lent itself to enough admissions."

"You are probably right."

"Thank you for opening up to me like that." Addison said, referring to what he had told her earlier regarding his childhood.

"Yeah well, you make it easy." Alex replied, turning his head to look at her. Addison met his eyes and smiled.

_You Karev, could possibly be my undoing._

Addison closed her hotel room door behind her and flung her keys to the table. She was beyond tired and all she wanted to do was take a shower and sleep. She needed to catch up on all the sleep she had missed the night before. Suddenly she heard a light knock on the door.

_Seriously?_ Addison thought with frustration. She contemplated not answering it at all.

"Addison," She heard a voice call. That voice was all too familiar.

_Now, I'm really not answering the door._

"Addy, open the door. I know you're in there." The voice called again. Addison was silent, she made no move towards the door. "Addison, please, just open the door. I just want to talk to you. That's all."

"Go away." Addison called from her place on the couch as she heard Mark continue to tap on the door.

"Addy, just open it. I just want to talk."

"So talk."

"Addison, I'm not leaving until you open this door and listen."

Addison took a deep breath and walked over to her door, she knew he was serious. He wouldn't leave until she talked to him and she needed peace tonight. That's all she needed, peace and quiet.

"Well, when you put it that way, come on in." She said sarcastically, opening up the door, and walking away from it before he even made a move to come in.

Mark walked in slowly. Addison sat on the couch, crossing her legs and her arms as she studied him.

_This should be interesting_, she thought to herself.

"I see you got my flowers," he said, sounding enthused.

"Don't sound so thrilled with yourself, I threw the note away; it was just too cliché and filled with superlatives."

"Well, I guess I'll have to try harder next time."

"Don't bother. I kept them because they make the room smell good, not because I'm secretly holding on to the possibility of us or anything."

"Addison, what happened to us?" asked Mark suddenly, "We used to be so close."

"I know we were but we can't be like that again."

"Why? I know why. It's because you can't trust yourself to be around me. But Addy, it's okay."

"No Mark, you have no clue at all. I cheated on my husband of 11 years with you: his best friend. Do you think I need to be reminded of that everyday for the rest of my life?"

"Addy, you know it was because he wasn't there, he didn't emotionally support you; you were lonely and it just happened."

"I know it just happened but that doesn't mean it can ever happen again."

"So what, you're just cutting me off?"

"Mark, I'm sorry if I made it seem like I wanted you to stay permanently. I didn't want that. For anybody, all it is doing is complicating things more than they already are."

"What about those two months Addy. It wasn't a one night stand, I know you felt things for me."

"You're right, Mark. I did. But we both know how that ended. The same way everything involving you ends: you get bored and selfish and bored. I don't sustain you Mark. I wish you would stop acting like I do."

"You have no idea."

"I'm sorry, Mark."

"You finally get the sense enough to leave Derek for good and we can't even be together. I risked two of my best friends and now I don't have either of you. How is that fair?"

"It's not fair, but nothing is."

"So that's it, we're not friends? Not anything?"

"Not right now. I just need peace, Mark. I've been in dire need of it lately."

"Did he already sign the papers?" he asked suddenly, referring to Derek and the divorce papers.

Addison shook her head, instantly remembering the conversation she had had with Derek regarding their divorce.

"And he won't Addy. As much as Derek screws up; he does love you and I just don't see him letting you go."

"He might not have a choice."

"Have you already signed them?" Mark asked curiously.

"They won't be drawn up until tomorrow or the day after so no."

Mark shook his head and walked towards the door, "I know you two, Addison. It won't happen, you two just find a way to go back to the other, no matter how much time has passed and no matter who tries to get in between you two. Everybody else be damned, Addison and Derek live on."

Mark opened the door to her hotel room and silently walked out, leaving Addison absolutely reeling.


	10. Bridging The Gap

Chapter 10: Bridging The Gap

Addison was in the beginning stages of wanting to stay in total hibernation all day. She had woken up out of a very deep sleep and the clock read 5:45. Her body adjusted and relaxed against the bed and pillows, curling up in a ball she pulled the covers up to her ears.

_I don't want to go to work. _She thought to herself as she closed her eyes. _It's so monotonous, when will this end? Oh, right. Never. I'm constantly tortured to no end, whether it's Derek's possessive antics or Mark's pleas at reacceptance. If that already isn't enough, what the hell is this thing with Karev? There really is such a thing as bad timing._

His face appeared in her memory as she thought about this unexpected connection she had with him. She couldn't even really wrap her brain around it. He had always sort of irritated her, the way he would stand; the cockiness in his tone; she had rather enjoyed bringing him down a couple of notches whenever he overstepped and he used to overstep all the time. But not anymore, it was like she was dealing with an entirely different person. Everything about how he had been relating to her lately completely intrigued and surprised her. Just when she thought she had seen it all; he stunned her. From the way he handled her emotional meltdowns to the ease at which he opened up to her about an aspect of his childhood. Alex Karev was like a complete conundrum. Addison peaked her head out of the covers to look back at the clock on the nightstand next to her bed. Contemplating whether she was going to make an attempt at real life at all.

_Maybe I'll just call in sick_. She thought absentmindedly.

Mark Sloan rounded the corner as he searched for her. He had to be quick about this and try to stay undetected until the formation of his plan was complete. He had tried to instill certain thoughts in Addison's head the night before when he had went to see her in her hotel room. She was putting up such a fight, it was obvious and it was making him nervous. He had always, for the most part, been able to read Addison. That, among other things, most likely lent itself to the bond they had shared in the midst of the problems she had been having with Derek during their marriage. But the way she had been last night. She seemed so absolutely set in her ways. Had she really meant that they couldn't even be friends? Was she really sticking to her guns? Mark had always known how to get to her, how to evaluate her moods and what made her tick. He knew how to make her smile and how to make her laugh, or at least, he used to. Mark was quickly shaken from his thoughts as he found the person he had been looking for.

"You are just the person I am looking for." Mark began as he caught up with her.

"Really?" Miranda Bailey asked quizzically as she stopped walking to face him. "And why's that?"

"I know that you're the resident in charge, a very capable one at that…"

"Don't try to butter me up, get to the point." She said, interjecting flatly.

"A little added charm never hurt anybody." Mark said, smiling.

"It doesn't work on me. Your charm or brilliance or whatever doesn't phase me. I'm not the one." She finished, eyeing him suspiciously and putting her hands on her hips.

"Hmm, good to know. So I take it my reputation proceeds me?"

"Who's doesn't?" She questioned honestly, "Mine proceeds me. Yours proceeds you."

"You have a point."

"So what can I do for you?"

"Assign Alex Karev as my intern for the day."

"And is there any particular reason why you are requesting Dr. Karev?" Bailey questioned.

"From what I hear he's very interested in plastics. I've got a pretty good case today, I figured I'd give him the front seat."

"Usually he's assigned to Dr. Montgomery but I don't see anything wrong with giving her another intern for the day."

"Excellent." Mark said as he flashed Bailey a smile and made his way to walk around her.

Mark was pleased that his plan was in motion.

"Dr. Bailey, have you seen Dr. Montgomery?" asked Alex as he came up beside her while she was writing on the chart in her hand. He had been looking for Addison everywhere.

"Oh, I almost forgot. You aren't her intern today."

"Really?" Alex asked surprised. "Why? Is she not here?"

"I don't know where she is. I haven't seen her, but you're working with Sloan today. I'll assign her someone else."

"Sloan?" Alex said, obviously not masking his surprise.

"You are interested in plastics, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I…uh…am but," Alex began.

"But what? Is there something I should be made aware of?"

"No. No, everything's fine. I'll just go find him." Alex finished, the wheels in his head were turning. Bailey gave him one last glance and finished writing on her chart.

Alex turned around walking towards the exam rooms to look for Mark. His head was whirling. Where was Addison? He couldn't remember the last time she hadn't shown up for work. It wasn't like her to hide so early in the day. Did she have another intern?

_She's not here. I would have seen her by now. _He thought to himself, something about this entire situation left him pensive. He rounded the corner as he heard his name being called behind him.

"Karev," a voice sounded.

Alex turned around and saw Mark Sloan approaching him.

"Looking for me?" Mark said with a sarcastic tone.

"Not exactly." Alex said surveying the demeanor of Mark Sloan. The one and only Mark Sloan, the number one ranked plastic surgeon in New York City who had just recently taken up in Seattle, the one who chose to work at the very same hospital as his ex-best friend and the woman he was trying to win back. Alex felt instantly irritated with being in his smug presence. He heard Addison's voice in his head complaining cryptically about Mark's character.

"So what's so urgent other than looking for your attending of the day and in case you haven't caught on yet: its me?"

"Yeah, that's what Bailey said, any particular reason why?"

"Why what? Why you aren't apart of the baby catchers for the day? I'm surprised your not ecstatic." Mark countered observing the look on Alex's face.

"I don't mind it as much as I used to." Alex said.

"Why's that?" Mark questioned.

"I've just got a better…understanding, I guess you could say."

The underlining tension in Alex's voice was hard to miss. Mark instantly noticed it, he had pushed a button. Alex didn't like him and he could tell. That was fine with him because he didn't really like Alex all that much either.

"Well put all that understanding to rest. You won't need it to get me a coffee."

"A coffee?" Alex asked, slightly amused; he was sure he was joking.

"Yes. You've heard of that, haven't you?" Mark lamented unenthusiastically, he seemed bored with the conversation and maybe even with Alex's presence, in general. Mark pulled out a five from his wallet and held it between his index and middle fingers. Alex snatched it from him quickly, he felt his hand twitch.

"Double shot espresso." Mark said matter-a-factly.

Alex turned around and walked away. He already knew this day wasn't going to be the way he had thought when he had woken up in the morning. Mark Sloan was a certified asshole with an ego the size of the pacific and he had thought Derek's ego was atrocious. He suddenly understood how they were "best friends."

Addison sat in an empty patient room with her laptop and an open chart. She felt herself yawn slowly as her eyes ached as she read her computer screen, she had had one hell of a day and she hadn't even been there for most of it. She hadn't even arrived at the hospital until two. A trauma had come in at three; a pregnant woman had fallen and the fall had put her into pre-mature labor. Addison had to perform an emergency c-section and the baby had almost went into intestinal failure. She had been in surgery for almost three hours.

"Are you in here hiding?" a voice sounded from the door.

Addison turned her head and saw Mark standing there eyeing her and what she was doing.

"Well, obviously I'm not as effective at hiding as I used to be." She replied as she took of her glasses off and rubbed her eyes lightly, twisting her hair around her fingers lightly, bundling it up briefly.

"I thought you weren't here today for some reason."

"I wasn't," she started, picking up her pen and writing something on the chart in front of her. "I didn't feel well this morning but I came to pick some stuff up around 3. A trauma came in. Now I'm here, trying to work, but I don't know how well it's going…" She trailed off suddenly she didn't even have the energy to be short or cold with Mark. She was just frustrated, angry, tired, lonely; she was just…spent.

_I need to call to see if the papers are done,_ she thought suddenly; her prior thoughts being interrupted as she thought about her impending divorce.

"I made a new friend today." Mark said suddenly.

"Great, Mark." Addison said sarcastically, laughing lightly. He was so incredibly selfish all the time, she wasn't even surprised. She expected him to shift the light from her to him. He couldn't go without the spotlight for too long. "I'm sure she's cute."

"Oh, it's a he." He said suddenly, smiling to himself. Addison caught the proud look on his face. She instantly knew he was up to something. He was just too pleased with himself.

"What are you talking about?" She questioned, eyeing him seriously.

"You're new little friend Karev." Mark commented snidely. "He was my intern today. He's the complete stubborn little boy with an attitude that I thought he was. You could do so much better, Addy. What am I saying? You already have done eons better."

"Just stop…" Addison started, stunned at what he was saying; she put her hand up suddenly. She couldn't believe how completely pompous he was being. "This is so ridiculous Mark, you have no idea."

"What's so…" Mark started in, raising his voice slightly but she cut him off.

"What did you say to him?" She asked, folding her arms across her chest, glaring at him with contempt.

"What do you…" Mark began. She cut him off.

"Cut the shit, Mark. What did you say to him?"

Mark shrugged his shoulders. "I can't really remember everything. Don't worry, I definitely enlightened him."

She shook her head silently, studying his smug face and the pride with himself that radiated from him. It made her stomach drop. She knew he has messed with Alex's head.

"You are unbelievable. When did it become your life's mission to make me miserable?"

"Addison, don't be so dramatic." Mark said plainly, rolling his eyes. "You're completely overreacting."

"Don't tell me I'm overacting." Addison began, pointing her finger at him. She could feel her anger creeping up. "You're being what they call the epitome of juvenile."

"You sure are getting pretty worked up about this, I mean; what's the big deal, right? You two are just…what did you call it: BFF's? Nothing more?"

"This is so childish. Do you feel better now? Now that you've rubbed it in my face that you "enlightened" him or however you so eloquently planted mistruths in his head."

"Don't be so defensive. I didn't say anything to him that wasn't true."

"Well the truth according to your standards is mildly inaccurate at best, so excuse me if I don't buy it."

Addison couldn't believe him. Well that wasn't entirely true, something like this had his name written all over it. She just didn't know to what extent he had gone and even if Alex had believed him. She swallowed suddenly to push down the knot that was developing in her throat.

"You really shouldn't look so freaked." Mark patronized her.

"You must really feel intimidated," she began slowly, surveying him. "Or maybe it's jealousy, but whatever it is you are trying to do. Don't waste your time. You are not going to undermine or ruin anything because there is nothing." She countered, she was subtly trying to use reverse psychology on him; trying to lessen the obviousness of her concern to what he had told her. Even though she felt her surprised reactions immediately following his declaration said otherwise.

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" Mark questioned seriously, a look of disbelief on his face. "A second ago you seemed quite concerned about what was said."

"There isn't anything going on between Karev and I, though even if there was, it still remains none of your business."

Mark shook his head and laughed sarcastically. "I wish you gave me more credit, Addison. Don't you think I know you at all?"

"I don't know if you thought about the residual effects of you misinforming my intern with a plethora of half-truths but I can assure you that it is widening the gap between you and I, not bridging it." Addison implored him, searching his eyes; trying to convey her indignation.

Mark took a deep breath and eyed her sitting form. "Well, I'll take that chance." Addison stared at him silently as he paused and turned around to leave.

_What have you done? _She thought as she put her face in her hands, she breathed deeply; trying to calm her rattled nerves.

Alex sat absentmindedly eyeing the beer on the counter in front of him. He was beyond bored and felt the restlessness in his legs. He had considered going for a run to refresh his mind and work off the agitation throughout his body. He couldn't even sit down and just watch TV, every time he tried, he'd feel the need to get up. Getting up only led to him pacing around his kitchen. He had been on the same beer for at least an hour. He felt somewhat discombobulated. Addison had always confused him on some level before she had really started to intrigue and interest him, but the snide comments that Mark Sloan directed Alex's way that day just racked him with unusual torment. In that short amount of time he had developed quite a dislike for Mark, in the back of his mind he knew it was for the same reason he disliked Derek so much: they had both had Addison. That realization made him feel vulnerable, weak and almost adolescent. The doorbell rang suddenly shaking him from his thoughts.

_Who in the world is that? _He thought as he walked through the kitchen of his lofty apartment and opened the door. The women standing on the other side of the door took him by complete surprise.

"Hey," she began hesitantly, smiling at him, "Sorry to just drop by like this unannounced…"

"No, it's fine." Alex said cutting her off. He felt sure that his surprise to see her read all over his face. He stepped aside suddenly opening the door for her. "Please, come in."

"I know this is kind of unexpected but I was just…thinking and I was going to call you but then I realized I didn't have your number." Addison lamented nervously, she wondered what he made of her sudden surprise visit.

"Don't be silly. It's fine." Alex assured her. He quietly observed her frame; she looked unsure, timid even. She looked around his place silently.

"This is nice." She said as she looked over at him, referring to his apartment.

"Thanks." He offered. "I like it. It's affordable, centrally located." Alex silently cursed himself for bringing up money. Which he knew she had a lot of. He didn't want to highlight the areas in which they lacked mutuality. He watched her as she walked around, looking at his apartment, taking in the colors and the way it was decorated. She didn't really take Alex for the type to care about things like home décor and while there were parts of the apartment that signified Alex's rushed and overt demeanor, there were also elements of modern design and comfort. She had to admit that she was impressed. "I'd give you the tour but there really isn't that much to see."

Addison didn't really respond as she surveyed the rest of the apartment. She walked into the kitchen, followed by Alex as she put her purse on the counter.

"I really like these floors." Addison said, eyeing the hardwood beneath her feet.

"Thanks, do you want something to drink? I've got beer or water."

Addison made a bit of a face when he said the word beer. "No thanks. I'm fine. I don't want anymore alcohol tonight."

Alex looked over at her suddenly, surveying her once again. "You've already been drinking?"

Addison glanced over at him, hearing the apparent concern in his voice. "I just had some wine. There was no hard liquor tonight, I promise."

"Are you okay?" he asked lightly, studying her face. He felt like she wouldn't hold his eye contact, like she was unsure or contemplative. He knew something wasn't right. She seemed distracted and slightly antsy. Addison pressed her lips together in a short, quick smile and nodded her head lightly. She had been a complete mess when she went to her hotel. Not knowing what Mark had said to him, it drove her crazy. She had needed somebody to talk to and had ended up there, she just didn't know if she was ready to talk. Alex accepted her meek excuse for an answer to his question and leaned against the counter, crossing his arms. "You weren't at work today." He assessed.

Addison walked around the island in the middle of his kitchen slowly, looking up at him momentarily every once and awhile. She ran her finger through the lines in the tile as she quietly and slowly paced. "I was there. I didn't get there until later today though." He watched her continue to circle the island. Something was wrong with her, he could just tell. She could feel his eyes on her from where he stood, leaning nonchalantly against the counter facing the island.

"Did you have any surgeries?" He asked her lightly. _Maybe she had lost a patient? _He thought to himself.

Addison nodded her head lightly, "One. I had a pregnant women in trauma, she went into pre-mature labor; the baby had intestinal blockage but I corrected it."

"So they both made it?" Alex questioned. "That's good."

"Yeah."

"Addison, what is it?" Alex asked suddenly, it unnerved him that she seemed so uneasy. Addison stopped and took a deep breath, turning around to face him, she leaned against the island.

"I'm sorry about today." She said quickly.

"Today?" A look of confusion flashed onto Alex's face. He hadn't seen her all day until now. What was she talking about?

"For whatever he said to you."

Alex suddenly understood. "Don't apologize for him. It doesn't matter."

"It does matter," Addison replied, as she ran her hand quickly through her hair. "I can't believe he did that. What did he say to you?"

"Nothing important." Alex said observing the tension in her face as she tapped her foot lightly against the floor. She inhaled suddenly and shook her head.

"I can't believe him. I just can't believe he would be so petty and purposely try to undermine…" Addison trailed off as she realized the urgency and anguish in her voice. She was so upset and it was really starting to show. She took another breath.

"Hey…hey, it's okay." Alex began, becoming rattled that she was so upset by Mark's actions. "He is just angry and bitter. Don't let him get to you."

"I can't stand when adults play games like this. Life is to short for perpetually idiotic people to be causing issue where there is none." Addison exclaimed.

"I know, I know." Alex reassured her lightly as he took a step towards her. "Give me your hand."

Addison looked at him in complete confusion. "What?" She asked, searching his eyes.

"Give me your hand. Well, actually hop up on the island and then give me your hand." Alex said simply.

"Are you serious?" Addison asked him. She had no idea what he was planning on doing but she felt butterflies jolt in her stomach as he moved closer to her.

"What's wrong? You don't trust me?"

"No, no. I trust you just fine…"

"It works better if you sit."

Addison studied him for a few more seconds before she put both hands on either side of the island and hoisted herself atop of the countertop, her legs dangling in front of her. "What are you doing?" She asked him suddenly as she put out her hand towards him.

"Shhh…" He silenced her. He took her hand and gently placed his thumb and index finger opposite each other in between the groove of the two. "Take a deep breath." He instructed her lightly. She did as she was told even though the way he was holding her hand was making her hesitate and loose her train of thought. "Now look at me." Addison met Alex's eyes as his fingers started to slowly massage that spot on her hand. Addison felt her heart beat faster as his fingers continued to nimbly work the muscles in her hand. "How's that?" Alex asked lightly, exploring her face with his eyes. He hoped this would at least calm her down.

"Uh…that's good. It's really good." Addison responded gently.

"It's supposed to relax you. There is a muscle in your hand, that if massaged correctly will produce relaxation and can even elevate pain."

Addison's eyebrows furrowed briefly. "Where'd you learn this?" She asked as he continued rubbing her hand with his.

"I almost went into physical therapy." He explained as he began using both hands on her one hand.

"You are just full of surprises." She whispered as she enjoyed the feeling that was passing through her body. What he was doing really was relaxing her but it was also making her increasingly aware of the power that Alex held within his hands. He surely knew what he was doing.

"How's that?" He asked, his eyes meeting hers again. Their distance from the other seemed very minimal and Addison felt herself getting lost in his eyes. She glanced at his mouth and bit her lip.

"Better?" He questioned lightly, the tone of his voice gave her goose bumps.

"Yeah, better." She whispered back. Their eye contact lingered for a moment as Addison's fingers lightly clutched his fingers which had stopped rubbing her hand.

Addison couldn't think straight, she knew what she was about to do went against what she was trying to do for herself individually but she didn't care. The way he was looking at her floored her, she felt like she couldn't breath, like she wasn't breathing. She glanced at his lips again; she needed some damn oxygen.

Their lips collided suddenly, neither one really sure who had taken it to that unmistakable level. Alex felt one of her hands tentatively on his bicep, as the other one pulled him closer to her into the space between her hanging legs. Addison slide her arm around his neck and lightly grazed the inside of his bottom lip with her tongue. She heard his breath catch and broke away from him briefly. The tip of her nose brushed his as she lazily changed angles on his mouth, gently pulling his lips with hers. Alex slid his left arm down her arm and slowly up her back until his fingertips were in her hair. Alex inhaled through his nose as he deepened the kiss, dueling her tongue with his. He broke their kiss briefly as he tried to regain his breath, Addison tried to regulate her breathing but was cut off when his lips captured hers again. Alex slowly slid the palm of his hand up Addison's neck, using his thumb to gently tilt her chin down, giving him more access to her mouth. Addison pulled back suddenly, gasping for breath.

"Wait…wait," She moaned, trying to regain her breath. Alex dropped his head down and rested his forehead on her shoulder as he tried to breath and get better control of the situation and himself. She was driving him absolutely crazy. Alex rose his head, glancing at her face; the look in her eyes almost made him loose his mind. Their faces were inches apart but neither made the move to kiss the other. Their foreheads just rested against one another until their breathing had regulated.

"I'm sorry," Addison began, "We should have never kissed."

"Why not?" Alex whispered, getting lost in the intensity of her eyes.

"Because now it's all I think about." She said honestly, glancing at his lips. "I shouldn't know how good of a kisser you are. I don't know if I trust myself with that information."

"You are so beautiful, you have no idea." He responded softly, running his thumb over her chin and jaw.

Addison's heart leapt and plummeted all at once. He was simply amazing, too amazing to be drawn into the hysteria that she called her life. She felt horrible that she kept doing this to him, putting themselves in situations where they had a hard time resisting one another. It wasn't fair. It wasn't right.

"I don't want to hurt you." Addison said lightly. Alex searched her eyes and read exactly what she needed behind them.

"And I don't want to hurt you." He said as he lightly smoothed her hair down and took a step back putting some room in between them. "This thing between you and me; it isn't going to go away."

"I know. I thought it would but it's obviously not."

"So what are we gonna do?" He asked her, bracing himself on the counter, with both hands on either side of her legs. Addison looked at his face and felt comforted and lost all in the same moment.

"I don't know."


	11. I Won't Break

Chapter 11: I Won't Break

_I don't know. _

_Really, I have no clue. What have I gotten myself into with you?_ Addison silently pondered as she held Alex's gaze.

It seemed that something in him spoke to her; or maybe it was everything. Whatever it was, it was overwhelming and incredibly scary. This was the last thing she needed; but she was lying to herself if she didn't admit he was the first thing she wanted. She looked down briefly breaking their eye contact. She saw the muscles in his forearms engage as his hands tightened around the edge of the countertop. Addison inhaled quickly, trying to think of what to say; the silence sort of haunted her. She could hear all her mistakes in it. Was this another one? Was Alex just another mistake she was going to make? She looked back at him and felt her heart jump; he was so unassuming, yet she thought he'd somehow be irritated with her need to stop. Alex could read the confusion all over her face. He knew she wanted him and that thrilled him but he also knew that she was wary.

"I don't know if I can do this." She said suddenly.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to do." He said sincerely, trying to put her at ease.

"I'm just sick of being her, you know?" She replied evenly.

"Of being who?" He questioned evenly.

"The woman who is too weak to be by herself. The woman who cheats when she's unsatisfied with…"

"You're not cheating." He replied cutting her off. A look of distress flashed over Addison's face.

"I am still married, Alex." Addison exclaimed. "Technically anyways."

"Well, you're getting a divorce and that's what matters." He countered simply.

The word divorce coming out of his mouth made her head spin and her stomach churn. He had no idea how hard she had been fighting for a divorce; he had no idea Derek claimed not willing to give her one. Getting a divorce, she remembered, seemed like such a sure thing weeks ago on the night of the infamous prom, but now… she didn't know. She couldn't tell up from down, she didn't know what was real or what she was conquering up in her mind. The magnetic pull between the two of them: was it real or was she really that delusional and that alone? Was she that broken?

"We don't know anything about each other." Addison said suddenly.

"You really think I don't know things about you?" He replied, surprised at her statement. It had some validity to it but he didn't want her doubt to build on her reluctance.

"You don't. I mean, yeah…you know general things but important things…no."

"I know things about you," he assured her slowly, he noticed a slight uncertainty in her eyes. "I might not know what your favorite movie is or how you like your wine or your favorite flower but I know you. You are driven and determined," he paused, taking a breath; studying her expression. "You're completely exhausting." Addison made a bit of a face at the latter description. Alex felt the corner of his mouth upturn in a small smirk. "But I get it…" Alex exclaimed quickly. Addison shook her head quietly, a smile played across her lips trying to demote his attempt at a cover. She glanced into his eyes and searched them, she was aware that he was so involved and it made her feel safe.

"…really, I get it. You're unsure and you're guarded. I don't think you trust people easily." He assessed.

"I don't. The power you give to people you trust can destroy you." She said plainly, sitting up straighter and placing her hand on the counter near her leg. She glanced at her hand quickly as she felt the nearness of his, despite the cold countertop. She felt her fingers itch to cover his own. The urgency in that feeling shocked her. She was terrified to get too close to him yet she felt his very presence starting to consume her. It shocked her on many different levels. Alex noticed the subtle change on her face as her eyes shifted over their bodies and noted their closeness. "I don't know how much destruction I can take." She finished softly, hoping he would understand.

Alex broke their eye contact momentarily and inhaled. "You're strong, I know that."

"You also know I cheated on my husband." She blurted out recklessly. "That doesn't phase you?"

Alex's eyebrows furrowed as his surprise was obviously painted all over his face. "Hey. You phase me, okay?" He exclaimed. "I know that what you're going through right now is complicated, and not because you've actually shared it with me; which I can't really fault you for right? You can't trust anybody anymore. You can't let them bully you Addison. Emotionally or otherwise."

Addison saw the dark concern on his face and it stunned her, she couldn't even find her voice to reply. That was okay because Alex apparently hadn't been done.

"All I can do is be here." He began. "I'm stuck. I can't get visibly angry with either of them. I can't defend you to them if I see them giving you a hard time at the hospital. I can't do anything. I hate it. I can't do anything but what I'm doing."

"And what's that?" She implored lightly.

"Well, it's me looking into your face and hoping that something would tell you that it's okay. That I'm not going to pressure you, or destroy you. If I wasn't concerned about your reaction, I would risk a slap on the hand from the chief the next time Derek gets out of line and verbally lashes out at you. I'm flying blind, Addison. I know your scared about what's going to happen but my ignorance scares me. The fact that you can't tell me what's making you so crazy; where am I supposed to put that?" He asked her urgently.

Addison felt her heart ache and it sped up, paralyzing her posture. She slowly put her hand on his, nudging her pinkie under the tip of one of his fingers. He didn't respond at first but then he turned his hand into hers, taking it and latching his fingers snuggly around hers. Addison held his gaze as they held hands.

"I'm sorry that I even put you in this situation." Addison began lightly. Rolling her eyes as she thought about today and what Mark had done.

"All I care about is you. I don't care about the situation or the other people in the situation I have no control over them."

"I want to know you."

He smiled briefly. "What do you want to know?"

"All kind of things."

"Like what?"

"Like why you hide this incredibly sincere kindness from people who would benefit so deeply from it?" She whispered sincerely, searching his eyes for an answer.

"I guess you just bring it out of me." He replied, his voice light; it's tone gave her chills. She pulled him closer to her and placed her head on his shoulder, sliding her hands around his waist to his back, fully embracing him into her arms. Alex wrapped his arms around her shoulders, one of his hands went into her hair. They stayed there in silence for a moment, both of them reeling from the contact of the other. Addison could hear his heart beat, she could hear the rhythm of his breathing in relation to her own, she felt the care in his touch as his fingertips grazed her neck lightly. Addison felt the muscles in her legs tense as the sensation from that touch ran through her. She took a deep breath, the faint scent of his cologne lingered in her nose. Addison closed her eyes, and lightly ran her fingers over his back. She could feel his entire upper body pressed flushed against her own. She suddenly realized what a compromising position they were in with him against the counter in between her legs but somehow that wasn't enough to make her break her hold on him. Alex turned his face slightly as his nose grazed her hair, the gentle touch of her fingertips on his back, even through his shirt had his heart pounding.

"I don't want to wreck this." Addison whispered suddenly, the words sort of falling out of her mouth.

"Do you mean that?" He replied.

"Yeah, I do."

"So then don't wreck it."

Addison paused slightly and then took a deep breath before breaking their hold on each other as she leaned back to look into his eyes. What she was about to say was much too important of a statement to not see his reaction; to not be able to look into his eyes and tell what he was thinking.

"You have been amazing to me lately…"

"Did you have to add 'lately'?" He joked, interjecting. She smiled at him as she could tell he was only kidding.

"You know what I mean. I just…you deserve someone who is going to be that amazing right back to you. I can't be anything to anyone."

"That's okay." He assured her.

"No it's not. You know it's not."

"Addison you will come out of this; all of this excess and turmoil, you'll rid yourself of it. I know you will because you're bigger than all of it."

"But I don't want to taint you in the process."

"Addison, I'm not glass. I'm not fragile; I won't break."

_Everybody breaks, _she thought sadly noticing the twinge of panic in his eyes.

"You agreed that we can't just keep ignoring this anymore." He continued on.

"Yeah, I did. We can't but that doesn't mean I can be serious with you Alex."

"I never asked that Addison. You're feeling guilty about something you have no control over. I didn't ask for commitment or sex or anything. This is happening to me at the same pace it's happening to you…" He paused suddenly, searching the contours of her face and almost loosing his train of thought. "All I know is…you absolutely thrill me and I can't ignore that."

"I don't mean to coddle you I just…"

"Just let me worry about what I'm willing to go through. You have enough to deal with as it is."

"Okay." She said lightly, feeling like there wasn't really anything left to say.

"Okay?" He repeated, in more of a question form. He somehow thought the discussion wouldn't end that easily.

"Yeah, okay." She said simply, shrugging her shoulders lightly.

Alex studied Addison's face trying to gage if she really was okay with what was said and had she really just dropped the subject so easily?

"Your patience and presence is continuously appreciated and needed so…okay." Addison stated.

"Yeah…right." He said stumbling over those short words.

"We're just what we are," She said convincingly. "You and me. No expectations. No pressure. Just…us."

Alex nodded his head lightly, regaining his thought processes. "That's good."

Addison held his gaze and felt that familiar feeling of anticipation in her stomach. Alex leaned forward slowly and placed a delicate kiss lightly on her lips, brushing them against hers briefly before pulling away. Addison's heart dropped in disappointment at the length of the kiss as she watched Alex push himself from between her legs and away from the counter, putting some actual distance between them. Addison watched him carefully, sliding her legs together and crossing her ankles. Alex looked up and met Addison's somewhat concerned gaze. His face softened and his heart leapt.

"So what's your favorite flower?" He asked gently. Addison smiled lightly as she pondered the answer to that question.

Addison stared out of the window as she lay in her bed; her head was whirling. She barely had gotten any sleep the night before, she had been tossing and turning all night; she would wake up and find her mind wandering off. She had been staring at the ceiling in her hotel room until she saw the subtle light from the window as the sun began to rise.

She wouldn't even act like she didn't know why she had had such a restless night of sleep and why it was an hour before she usually got up and she couldn't fall back to sleep. It wasn't that she just wasn't sleepy; laying there only increased her exhaustion. The finalized copy of her divorce papers were scheduled to be ready sometime today. The thought of them actually being in her hands made her stomach drop, and made her mouth dry. She had felt so certain that her decision to go through with getting the papers drawn up had been a sound one but she couldn't help feeling completely on edge about actually having the papers in her hands. Or in having to meet with Derek to discuss them. The thought of him made her close her eyes and exhale softly, she felt like she had been holding her breath. She was almost positive he would react poorly when she revealed the papers. Derek was territorial at best and she knew he wouldn't just sign them without a fight and letting go of something you worked more than eleven years on would be tough for anyone. She didn't hate Derek. She couldn't hate him; but she also couldn't be with him anymore. They hurt each other too much; too deeply and she was done. She was slightly concerned at his previously reaction when she had brought up subject of a divorce and their heated debate regarding him and Meredith. She winched quickly as she thought about her soon to be ex's girlfriend. Addison tried to quickly push her out of her head. Her thoughts shifted to Mark and she silently prayed that he would not follow and incessantly bug her the whole day. She knew she would have a short temperament with him if he did. It seemed that the more she told him to leave her alone the more he purposefully aggravated her and stuck his nose where it didn't belong. She decided that maybe it was better to not implore him to leave her be, maybe if she just didn't say anything he would get bored and give up. She silently hoped that that would be the case.

And then there was Alex. It wasn't as though she needed anymore hysteria in her life; or maybe, that was it? She was enduring so much hysteria as it was and he offered this unmistakable stability that helped calm her. He had been the epitome of kindness the night before regarding her surprise visit to his apartment. Addison recalled their conversations from the night before, he had been so understanding and so patient. She had almost forgotten that a man could be so willing to take care of her and expect nothing in return. It completely overwhelmed her and even scared her a bit, but his unmistakable approach had her delighted. He offered this air of assurance that made her feel safe. She was at ease around him. She knew deep down she couldn't abandon that feeling; it made her feel alive.

Derek opened the door to the trailer after he had heard a light knock at it a few seconds earlier. He had spoken with Addison about twenty minutes earlier on the phone about her coming by to talk to him about something. He hadn't expected her so soon, as he had just himself, walked in the door no more than ten minutes prior.

Derek was met with the anxious stricken face of Addison. He quickly gave her a once over with his eyes and silently assessed that she wasn't there on a personal friendly house call. She was there for something completely different.

"Hi." She said quietly. Her eyes shifting over him, she didn't really want to hold his eye contact.

"Hey, come in." He said, stepping to the side as he opened the door wider and gestured for her to enter. Addison stepped up into the trialer, her eyes taking in her surroundings around her. It was so odd to her that everything looked the same. He hadn't changed a thing. She noticed that everything seemed to be in the same exact position as it was when she was last there, it looked as if she still lived there. It seemed like such a long time ago but it had only been a couple of weeks. She felt slightly unnerved standing there, her eyes caught sight of a scarf of hers draped on the back of a the chair in front of her. She walked over to it silently and lightly ran her fingers over it. Derek watched her from where he stood. "So what's going on? You sounded kind of urgent on the phone. Are you alright?" He questioned. Addison removed her attention from the scarf and turned around to face him.

"Yeah, I'm fine…" She paused. "How are you?" She added suddenly.

_Why did you do that Addison? You don't want to know how he is, you want him to sign these damn papers._ She thought to herself.

Derek was more surprised by her question than she was about asking it. His confusion played heavily on his face.

"I'm…okay." He replied tentatively. "Just…tired, I guess."

"Yeah, me too." She responded.

"So what did you need to talk about?"

"Well, I had the papers drawn up." She said calmly, pulling the papers out of her purse. "I wanted to bring them by as soon as possible so you could look them over."

"Well, I'm sorry you wasted your time."

"Derek please…"

"Addison, stop… just stop. We already talked about this. I don't want a divorce."

"Well, what about what I want?" She implored urgently. "We can't do this anymore Derek. We just continue to hurt and hurt each other. I don't want to do it anymore."

"So that's it? You're just giving up? You're willing to flush eleven years down the drain? Just like that? No problem? I'm sorry but I'm not." He countered seriously, his tone becoming slightly elevated.

"Derek, I'm done playing these games. I'm done putting myself out on the line and getting nothing worthwhile in return. We can't communicate. Whenever we're around each other all we do is argue…"

"That's because all you seem to speak of is a divorce."

"We're not happy, Derek. I don't know why you act like we're happy because you know we haven't been for a long time."

"So you're not willing to work to get back what we had?"

"It's not coming back, Derek." She said firmly.

"Then why are you still wearing your wedding ring?" Derek countered suddenly, glancing at her hand. He caught Addison off guard with that question, as she quickly looked at her hand. She cleared her throat trying to regain some semblance in her thought process.

"That's not important." She said quietly, waving her hand dismissively.

"I think I beg to differ. You wouldn't be wearing your ring if you didn't still love me."

"I never said I didn't love you. I said I wanted a divorce and I do. Please, just sign."

"I'm sorry, Addison. I can't."

"Why are you doing this Derek?" Addison questioned cynically. "Just tell me the real reason."

Derek shrugged with indifference. "I don't know. I think you're the single best and worst thing that's ever happened to me. I'm not ready to sign that away."

"You are so unbelievably selfish."

"Well, when it comes to you, I guess I am." He said plainly.

"This isn't over, Derek." Addison replied sternly. "I don't care what I have to do; this is not over. I will get this divorce."

Derek didn't respond but instead just let her have the last word on the subject. He wouldn't sign those papers. He wouldn't just let her out of his life, at least not without a fight. Addison quickly plucked both her wedding ring and band from her left ring finger and walked over to Derek and held it out for him to take. Derek shook his head silently, the sadness in his eyes apparent.

"I won't take them." Derek said lightly.

Addison held them out for a second longer and when he still made no move to take them she looked down at them, lightly playing with them in her hand. She finally put them both back on her finger where they had previously been, she nodded her head absentmindedly as she looked at her rings. They reminded her of so many things and the memories of some of them came flooding back to her all in that moment.

"Fine." She whispered quietly, finally looking up at him, Derek saw the tears in her eyes. "But listen to me carefully when I say, I will get this divorce. Whether we do it amicably or whether it gets ugly. I will get this divorce, Derek. Just…know that." She finished sharply, her sadness turning into anger. She gave him one last look of pure determination and she brushed quickly past him and descended out of the trailer, leaving Derek stunned as he heard her start her car and drive away.


	12. Beeping Beepers

Chapter 12: Beeping Beepers

"I wish someone would have told me that the key to being successful as an intern in this hospital was messing around with an attending," Izzie Stevens exclaimed rather dramatically as she slowly kicked her leg out repeatedly, letting it fall after it peaked.

"That's not entirely true," Cristina interjected unenthusiastically, as she chewed on a pretzel and went through a file on her phone.

"It's not like any of us get preferential treatment on cases, Iz." George added softly as he popped chips into his mouth.

"Besides, I don't really count anymore…" Meredith started suddenly.

"Meredith, nobody doubts that you and McDreamy will be uniting in no time." Izzie stated flatly. She realized her tone once the words were already out. "Sorry." She muttered lightly in Meredith's direction.

"Well, you aren't exactly alone on that front" Meredith rationalized. "Alex hasn't been with an attending. Speaking of, I wonder where he is?"

"I don't actually know how accurate that assessment is anymore…" Izzie grumbled under her breath.

"What?" Cristina looked up, suddenly interested in the discussion.

"What'd she say?" George whispered, eyeing Meredith over his hand of cards.

"Nothing." Izzie said reluctantly, rolling her eyes, doing her best to make light of her verbal slip.

"No, I heard you." Cristina said as she sat up straighter, studying Izzie's face; she read irritation all over it.

"I mean, I really don't know anything for sure…" Izzie exclaimed bluntly, illustrating her point briefly by raising her hand.

"But…" George said, looking inquisitively at Izzie.

"But…nothing." Izzie stated, trying to divert the obvious unraveling of her emotional armor.

"Who is it?" Cristina asked suspiciously, her eyebrow raised slightly.

Izzie didn't respond, she didn't even try to change the subject, she just let the silence go over the room; all four of them noted again the lack of Alex's presence.

"Iz, who is it?" George pushed gently.

"Dr. Montgomery." She mumbled bitterly barely a notch above audible levels.

"HA, right!" George exclaimed loudly.

"Nice try." Cristina scoffed.

"I almost believed Alex was actually getting some..." George pondered aloud.

"Wait," Meredith interjected suddenly amidst Cristina and George's jokes, "She's serious." The vacant ness on Izzie's face gave her straight away. Meredith recognized that look, what she saw as she desperately tried to search Izzie's eyes was a cold, defiant look of contempt at her own mention of the doctors name.

"I don't know, I just saw…this moment." Izzie rationalized quickly upon Meredith interception.

"Moment? Like what kind of moment?" George questioned.

"I don't know…" Izzie trailed off, rolling her eyes.

"Well if it was like a "I can't stand you for making me be on baby patrol" moment. Those two just naturally have that vibe." Cristina replied.

"No, I know that." Izzie lamented bitterly. "It was nothing like that, it was like…"

"Like what?" Meredith urged.

"I don't know., I can't really even explain it even though I saw it…"

"Were they even talking?" Cristina questioned.

"No," Izzie replied lightly. "She was actually walking away from him."

"So her walking away from him adds up to them having an illicit and torrid romance?" George questioned cynically. "Doesn't really add up."

"Well I know what I saw." Izzie replied defiantly.

"Maybe you just misinterpreted it."

"I don't think I did." Izzie sighed, shaking her head. "She didn't walk away from him right away."

Meredith continued to study Izzie's demeanor and read the differences of emotion all over her face, from her irritation, to her uncertainty, to her guilt. It all played on her face in variations. None staying long enough for Meredith to fully understand their subtle appearances. Meredith suddenly put two and two together.

"That's why you "don't doubt" that Derek and I will reunite, isn't it?" Meredith wondered aloud, grabbing the attention of the other three. "Because you think Addison's attention is elsewhere."

Izzie's eyes shifted down as she changed her position on the gurney she was leaning on. She nodded her head slowly as she picked at the loose thread on the end of her scrubs.

"I don't even know how to explain it." Izzie sighed as she felt three pairs of eyes piercing her side. "It was like…I was watching a moment not meant for anyone's eyes."

"Where were they?" Cristina questioned.

"2nd Floor, near the nurses station." Izzie replied.

"That's completely out in the open." George commented.

"Exactly, that's why it alarmed me." Izzie countered profusely. "It just seemed far too private for where they were, even though they really weren't doing anything. I just don't want Alex to get hurt."

George scoffed at this. "Since when?" He questioned jokingly. Izzie glanced quickly at him and shot him a look of annoyance.

"Since, we're friends."

"So that's all it is?" Cristina questioned. "You're just looking out for the well-being of your friend?"

"Cristina…" Meredith warned lightly.

Suddenly Izzie's beeper sounded interrupting their interesting conversation. Izzie quickly plucked it from the waistband of her scrubs, she rolled her eyes and sighed.

"And Sloan is driving me crazy." Izzie whined emphatically. "He's the epitome of a callous, arrogant, homogenously smug man who's massive ego duplicates after each patient."

"Well, he's too good-looking to care and he's too good-looking for me to be bothered by it." Cristina chuckled softly.

Izzie stood up slowly as she yawned and sighed. "I realize that this hospital thrives off gossip and the like but if we could keep this between us four I'd really appreciate it." She surveyed their faces as she tried to read their reactions.

"I won't say a word." Meredith stated.

"These lips? Sealed." George said, pointing to his mouth.

"Cristina?" Izzie questioned looking over at the silently complacent young intern.

"Yeah, yeah…" Cristina sighed unenthusiastically. "Mums the word and all that."

Izzie squinted her eyes briefly at Cristina, and then walked away from the group as she went in search of Mark Sloan.

Addison Montgomery slowed her pace momentarily as she paused to look at the X-rays that were being held securely in her arms as they rested on top of a chart, she quickly pulled her glasses out of her white coat as she slid them behind her ears and onto her nose. She felt someone approaching her as her eyes methodically ran over the X-ray.

"Here are her labs..." Alex started, as he handed Addison the loose papers that he had just retrieved upon her request.

"Thanks." Addison replied softly. "How is she?" Addison glanced up at him for the first time since he had approached her.

"Good. Her contractions are not too close, BP's good. She isn't really feeling much."

"Mm-hmm." Addison mumbled as she looked over her labs. She began walking in the direction of the exam rooms, as Alex quickly followed. "We're going to need an OR in about an hour and a half."

"I already scheduled it."

"You did?" She questioned, her voice laced with surprise as she glanced in his direction but continued walking.

"Yeah, I did."

"Are you scrubbing in?"

"You ask me that like I have a choice."

"Well, I'm giving you one."

"Are you alright?" Alex asked suddenly, he noticed she was walking at a fairly quick pace.

"I'm fine."

Addison tried brushing of his sudden concern but she felt the butterflies in her stomach flutter at the softness in his voice. Alex halted in his tracks and watched her continue to walk ahead. Once she got about five steps in front of him she turned around, wondering why he had stopped so suddenly.

"What?" She questioned, obviously confused.

"You're fine?" He questioned.

_Literally, hell yes. But figuratively. I'm not so sure, _he thought to himself.

"Yes. I'm fine." She implored quietly, as she looked at her surroundings and became increasingly aware of those around her.

_I really don't want to have this conversation with him right now, not right here. _Addison thought.

"Why are you giving me a choice as to whether I scrub in?"

"Are you being serious?" She asked him, her voice raising slowly. She paused as she realized the level of her voice. "You know I don't make you scrub in on all my surgeries."

Alex sighed dramatically, as he ran a hand over his short hair. It frustrated him that she wasn't being upfront with him. He knew that something was wrong. He noticed the shifting of Addison's eyes and could tell by her body language and the expression on her face, that she wasn't really fine. He noticed a vacant exam room near them. Without saying another word he walking into it quietly. Addison took a deep breath and followed, taking off her glasses, putting them into their case and then into her coat pocket, she closed the door behind her.

"What did I do?" Alex asked calmly, after the silence between them had settled.

"You didn't do anything." Addison sighed emphatically. "Honestly, it's not you."

"What then? Or who?"

The silence seemed ongoing as she didn't answer his question. No matter how close she and him had become she felt reasonably certain that she couldn't tell him about her talk with Derek from the night before. She couldn't tell him that she was uncertain and scared, she couldn't tell him anything about it because she knew it wasn't what he wanted to hear. She wouldn't hurt him. She couldn't do it. Not after how wonderful he'd been to her, not after how close they'd gotten. She knew it would wreck him, she knew it would anger him and she didn't want to be the cause of that. She just couldn't be. Not after everything. She knew she'd have to keep the Derek drama to herself, at least for now.

"Nothing and nobody." Addison said firmly. "I don't want you to think that I don't want you scrubbing in because I do. But I want you to do it because you want to. Not because I'm forcing you."

"Since when?" Alex questioned.

"Since I decided I could be much nicer to you, in the professional sense."

"So, what? All I had to do was charm the socks of you and I would've been given these choices eons ago?" Alex teased lightly.

"I don't know what you mean," Addison started, smiling gently. "You haven't charmed anything off of me."

"You are right about that," Alex replied as he walked slowly towards her. "But then again, you know what they say about good things."

"What's that?" Addison asked as he finally stopped inches away from her, placing his hand on the wall near her head. She tightened her hold on the chart in her folded arms as she relished in his sudden nearness.

"That they come to those who wait."

"And you never really struck me as the patient type." Addison teased lightly.

"Well, I'm full of surprises."

"I'm becoming more and more aware of that."

"That's good."

Alex found himself getting more and more deeply placed in her eyes. It completely shocked him how looking at her was never the same. It was new every single time; everything about her captivated and intrigued him. Their eye contact lingered as both of them seemed to be getting lost in the other's gaze.

_How did you get so cute? _Addison asked to herself. She felt her nose crinkle at the thought. Alex noticed it as the corner of his mouth upturned into a crooked smile.

"What?" He asked lightly.

Addison smiled slightly and shook her head. "Nothing. I just think you're cute."

"Well, you're pretty cute yourself."

"You think so?"

"Definitely."

Alex leaned forward and gently kissed the corner of her mouth and then grazed his lips against hers as he softly kissed the other corner of her mouth. He then planted his lips squarely on hers, slowly taking the chart away from her as he methodically explored her lips with his. Addison found herself trying to increase the pace of the kiss as she eased her suddenly free hands up his scrubs and linked her arms around his neck, pulling him closer. They continued to kiss, neither really wanting to break for air. Finally, Alex did as he adorned her chin and jawbone with light kisses. Addison could feel her heart pounding in her chest as she struggled to regain her breath.

"We…really sh-shouldn't be…" Her words came out as gasps, so she ceased trying to finish her sentence. Alex's mouth reached her ear as he gently nibbled the lobe with his teeth. Addison whimpered lightly as her body tensed at the sensation and her fingertips dug into his shoulders. "Okay, now we really, really, really have to stop."

"Mmm-hmm," He mumbled as he began a trail of kisses down her neck. Addison quickly inhaled through closed teeth; his lips on her neck gave her chills.

"We shouldn't be doing this…uh, here…like this…" Addison made another feeble attempt at a distraction.

"You're right," Alex murmured against her skin, but still didn't stop.

"Yeah, I…uh…" Addison couldn't control herself as she felt him gently sucking on the nape of her neck. A quiet moan escaped from her mouth, she lightly bit her lip to suppress any more. The feeling of his hot mouth on her bare skin literally curled her toes. His lips made their descent upward as he kissed his way to her cheek, silently nuzzling his mouth and nose there. He could still taste her on his tongue which did nothing but fuel his need for her mouth. He started kissing her face, going in the direction of her mouth, when he found it, he dragged his lips onto hers and kissed her. Addison could feel her whole body tingling as they kissed again, their lips battling each other for who controlled the kiss. No matter what she told herself, she completely needed this. To be kissed like this, to be wanted like this. He absolutely thrilled her. Suddenly both of his hands were on her, one on the side of her face while the other at the back of her neck. She didn't even think to wonder where the chart had gone, then she realized she really didn't care. She wanted him so badly in that moment, and for a split second she thought it might actually happen until a certain beeping noise catapulted her into reality. Addison heard Alex groan in disappointment, as she broke their kiss, putting a hand to her head as she attempted to regain some sense of composure. He had completely unglued her and it showed: her chest was heaving as she desperately attempted regaining real amounts of oxygen, her hair was a mess, and her lips slightly puffy from being kissed so thoroughly. She reached down to grab her beeper that was incessantly still sounding, as she read what it said.

"I gotta go." Addison sighed loudly as she looked at Alex. He nodded his head, as he gently smoothed over her hair.

"Yeah, I do too. I have to go prep our patient for surgery."

"Our patient?" Addison questioned, smiling.

"That is, if you want me to scrub in."

"Yeah. Yeah, I do."

"Well, okay."

"One more thing though." Addison started.

"What's that?"

"Can I get one for the road?" She asked, pointing to her mouth. Alex smiled when he realized what she meant.

"You can get two for the road."

Alex leaned over and placed a gentle and sweet kiss on her lips, paused and then kissed her again. Just as briefly, just as softly as he had the first.


	13. Guilt Isn't Easy

Chapter 13: Guilt Isn't Easy

Izzie Stevens rounded the corner of the 3rd floor in search of Mark Sloane. She couldn't find him anywhere. She was mildly irritated that he had paged her again for the literally seventh time that day to probably send her on another errand, another chore. Each task was more ridiculous than the last and always had something to do with him and his vain existence; never to do with actual medicine or procedures or helping a patient. It was driving her absolutely crazy. She couldn't take this endless monotony of such ridiculousness. Izzie surveyed the northeast corner of the 3rd floor as her eyes finally spotted him behind one of the computers. She cleared her throat and prepared herself for his frankness and attitude.

"You paged me?" Izzie said, as she walked up to Sloan, eyeing him. Mark looked up from the computer screen absentmindedly as he met her eyes.

"Ah, yes. I did." He replied, taking a breath. "You've been such a doll…"

"Doll?" Izzie questioned, cutting him off, her eyebrows furrowing in disbelief. "You're kidding right? Is this some cocky ploy…"

Mark actually laughed at her obvious irritation with him. She was so explosively expressive and that continually made messing with her head such an interesting experience that kept him on his toes.

"Actually, no it is no ploy. I just thought that maybe you'd like in on a case." Mark said seriously, crossing his arms as he leaned back in his chair surveying her face for a reaction.

"What?" Izzie asked, the look of surprise on her face evident.

"I'm doing skin reconstruction on Ms. Mitchell sometime tomorrow." Mark grabbed the chart that was next to the keyboard and handed it to her. Izzie just looked at the chart in somewhat of a state of shock, until she finally quickly took it from him. She couldn't believe he was being serious. There had to be some catch. She flipped through the chart as she looked up at Mark suddenly.

"Are you being serious?" Izzie questioned anxiously

"Why wouldn't I be being serious? Have you known me to say things I don't mean?" Mark replied. Izzie rolled her eyes and continued reading the chart. "So what do you say? Are you up for it?"

"Yeah…um, of course." Izzie stammered out, she was still so confused as to why he was suddenly relating to her as a doctor and not just his pretty little lapdog.

"There is one thing though…" Mark spoke up, interrupting her thoughts.

_Oh, I knew it; too good to be true._ She thought sarcastically as she bit her tongue.

"…I want you to be able to scrub in but because of your probationary terms, that isn't up to me."

"Oh, that's fine, it'll be nice to actually be on a case instead of running to the coffee cart or the drycleaners."

_Yes, no more errand girl,_ thought Izzie, happily to herself. _I hope he doesn't think this means I'm going to be nicer to him._

"And here I thought you were getting used to it." Mark joked under his breath.

"Well, I really appreciate it, " Izzie began, pausing to ponder whether she should even say what was about to come out of her mouth. "Thanks."

"You're welcome."

Thoughts in Izzie's head were still going a mile a minute. She wondered if maybe he really wasn't as bad as she had previously given him hell for. Or maybe he was just sick of hearing her mouth. After a quick assessment in her head she knew it was most likely the latter. I mean, this was Mark Sloan here. He wasn't in the business of making her life easy.

"Well, just so you know…" Izzie started suddenly, her words spilling out of her mouth before she had time to properly wage what she was about to say. Pausing, she suddenly feared that he might change his mind about letting her in on this case if she continued the sentence she has already completed in her head.

"Just so I know what?" Mark questioned, raising an eyebrow, studying her curiously.

Izzie laughed nervously. "Nothing, never mind." She shook her head slightly.

"No, go ahead. Why start holding your tongue now, right?" He joked, noticing the sudden look of uncertainty pass over her face. Izzie took a breath and decided, well he was right.

"Just so you know this doesn't make me dislike you any less." She stated frankly.

"Well, just so you know…I didn't think it would."

"Oh, okay…well, good." Izzie replied, studying his demeanor closely. She still didn't get it. Was he really being sincere?

"Okay."

"Alright." Izzie replied nervously, handing the chart back to Mark as his eyes left Izzie's and looked back at the computer screen, as he continued the work he had been doing.

Derek eased out of the men's bathroom as he began to walk swiftly towards the stair well. He had a billion and one things going on in his head and he was exhausted. He felt like he hadn't slept in days, he had been in surgery all morning and had just gotten out. He felt his heart jump into his throat as he saw Meredith approaching as he descended down the stairs. When her eyes landed on his she stopped in her tracks, she suddenly remembered what Izzie had said about his wife and Alex. She wondered if it was, in fact, true.

_He's going through a lot, Meredith. Don't be selfish._ She thought to herself as she offered him a weak smile.

"Hey," Meredith offered lightly.

"Hi." Derek responded gently.

"How are you?"

"Truthfully?"

"Yeah, truthfully."

"Well, I'm exhausted and I'm all over the place. It's a good thing I can't forget to breath, because if I could; I'd be a goner."

Meredith held his eye contact and saw the fatigue there. Her heart silently went out to him as she contemplated what to say next.

"Listen…"

"Meredith…"

The both started speaking at the same time.

"You go ahead." Meredith said suddenly, becoming strangely apprehensive of what he was about to say.

"I'm sorry for everything I've done to you. I've been beyond unfair and I can't pretend that I can just do this anymore."

"Do what?"

"Pretend that I don't still love my wife." Derek replied cautiously. Meredith felt as if a thousand bees had just stung her insides. She took a breath to hold the approaching tears at bay. She nodded her head sadly in recognition.

"So prom, what was that even about?" She questioned, her voice slightly shaking.

_Just hold it together._

"I shouldn't have followed you. I was being selfish and greedy and I know what impression that gave you and I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" Meredith scoffed lightly.

"I'm sorry for so many things."

"So, you and Addison, you're back together?" She questioned suddenly, not fully believing that they were.

"No, she's not really speaking to me at the moment."

"I hope you get what you want Derek, but honestly; I don't know if you'll get it from her."

"I don't know if I will either. I've messed up more than once and forgiveness isn't always in abundance. She came here because she wanted to fight for our marriage. She came here for me. What kind of hypocrite would I be if I didn't fight for us now? There is just too much history for me to ignore. I don't think I would ever get past it. I don't think I could ever get over her."

"Well, I guess that's it then." Meredith choked out slowly, making her way to walk around him, she felt sure that she couldn't hold back the tears much longer.

"Meredith, I'm really sorry." Derek called after her as he turned and watched her walk away.

"Yeah, I am too."

"Here you go." Alex said loosely as he slid a cup of coffee in Addison's direction. She looked up suddenly in surprise, she hadn't even heard him approaching her.

"You got me coffee?" Addison asked, surprised at the sweet gesture.

"I did."

"You really must be a mind reader." She replied as she sipped the coffee he had just slid towards her. "I look like I need coffee, don't I?" She asked as she yawned and ran her hand through her hair.

"I think you look great." Alex said bluntly. Addison smiled at his response.

"How is she?" Addison asked quickly, changing the subject. As much as it had become increasingly more difficult to hide the changing dimensions of their newfound relationship, she knew she had to be the one to keep things strictly professional when they weren't behind closed doors.

"She's fine. I just came from the NICU, breathing's normal, heart rate's okay."

"Good. I'll check on her in 30." She handed him a post op chart. "Help me?"

"Sure."

Alex sat next to her, careful to not sit too close as he carefully looked around their surroundings. The hustle and bustle of the hospital was pretty consuming and no one was really paying much attention to them. Addison was scribbling relentlessly on her chart as the two of them worked quietly side by side.

"Why didn't you get yourself one?" Addison asked suddenly, taking another sip of her coffee. Alex shook his head quickly.

"I'm too wired today as it is."

"Oh, I see."

"I know it's not flowers or anything."

Addison laughed quietly. "I like coffee much better than flowers anyways."

"Really?" Alex asked, looking in her direction.

"Flowers remind me way more of "I feel guilty, so here are some pretty plants that will be dead in a week." Addison said coolly, twisting a lock of hair with her free hand as she continued on the chart.

"And anything's better than that. Guilt isn't easy."

"But coffee's easy. It's easy and simple." Addison said, as she glanced at him. Alex was tapping his pen on the chart lightly, looking at back at her. Addison smiled suddenly. Alex watched the way the corners of her mouth turned up so neatly, framing her ridiculously white teeth, the skin of her lips were pale with a tint of neutral gloss. He felt the corner of his mouth ease up into a crooked grin as they continued silently looking at each other. "You're staring." Said Addison lightly, as her eyes briefly dropped to his mouth and over his lips.

"So are you."

Addison's eyes shifted down suddenly. Alex's eyebrows lowered as he lost her eye contact, he watched her as she gently tucked her hair securely behind her eyes, displaying two teardrop diamond earrings. His eyes went over the loose strand of hair that curled delicately underneath her ear at her reckless dismissal of it.

"Relax," Alex said gently. "To anyone that even glances at us, it looks like we're having a conversation."

"And that's what we're doing? Having a conversation?" Addison asked sweetly, as she turned to once again meet his stare, resting the side of her face in the palm of her hand. Alex watched as her eyes twinkled when they found his. He fought the incredible urge he suddenly had to reach out and take her hand. Alex finally found his voice.

"I said, 'it looks'; things aren't always as they seem."

"No, they aren't, are they?"

"How do I seem?" Alex asked suddenly, raising an eyebrow.

"Distracted."

He rolled his eyes and laughed. _I'm beyond that at the moment,_ he thought.

Izzie walked slowly nearest the wall through the second floor as she looked through her phone, she glanced up every now and then to make sure she wasn't about to collide with anyone walking in the opposite direction. She looked up, as she rounded the corner and stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Alex and Addison sitting down with a few charts in front of them. Her face dropped as she noticed the obvious tension between them as they quietly talked. She wasn't close enough to them to hear what they were saying and she silently was grateful. She couldn't believe her own reaction to seeing them this close to each other. It made her stomach turn and her jaw tighten with jealousy. Mark Sloan suddenly appeared as he saw Izzie Steven's standing a few yards away from him, he instantly noticed the look of irritation on her face at whatever it was she was looking at. Mark's gaze followed hers as it landed on what Izzie was obviously upset by. The muscles in Mark's face tightened as he felt his blood boil at the sight he saw. That anger quickly turned to a blunt realization as he tore his eyes off of them and back to Izzie Stevens, who was still eyeing them intently. He could see the hint of guilt on her face amid the other emotions she was feeling.

_Oh, well what have we here? Maybe this won't be as difficult as I previously thought._ Mark thought to himself as the wheels in his head started to turn.


	14. When I Ain't Close To You I Cry

Chapter 14: When I Ain't Close To You I Cry

Mark walked into the break room, sighing heavily as he looked around at the seemingly empty space, he didn't notice Derek sitting on the other side of the door with his laptop in his lap. Mark walked over to the coffee pot and poured himself a cup. He had been thoroughly contemplating his new found plan in his head since he had seen Izzie Steven's very obvious reaction at the sight of Addison with Alex. He had to be careful though, he couldn't make his desperation to create a wedge between the two of them cloud and rush the simple, guaranteed demise of that bond if he used Izzie as the pawn he knew she was capable of being. He just had to be smart and keep his cards close to his chest. He turned around as his thoughts still swirled and almost dropped his coffee when he saw Derek sitting in complete silence as he looked up at Mark.

"My God," Mark exclaimed loudly, "You scared me half to death."

"Maybe you should be more aware of your surroundings. You never know when you could get a knife in the back." Derek replied loosely.

Mark chose not to indulge him with responding to that statement. "So, what? You weren't going to say anything and just sit in the corner? Sounds like your style."

"I was hoping you wouldn't stop for small talk." Derek countered, feeling the irritation from Mark's presence build in his veins.

"Yeah, well sorry to disappoint you."

"Well what can I say, it's not like it's the first time." Derek said bitterly as he looked down at his laptop. It was hard for him to look at Mark for too long, he felt levels of betrayals that reached depressing depths. It still infuriated him that he had taken a job in Seattle. Derek knew exactly why; to fight for Addison. It made his blood boil.

"Derek, your pride is absolutely nauseating. I hate to break it to you, but not everyone can live on pedestals placed so high."

"Do you even hear yourself?" Derek asked with a sarcastic chuckle. "Most can go through life managing to keep their hands off of somebody else's wife. Especially when said person claims to be their best friend."

"We were best friends."

"Best friends don't do what you did to me, Mark. They just don't." Derek exclaimed evenly, interlacing his fingers as he studied Mark's stance.

"If it makes you feel better to put all the blame on me, my all means. I can take it. But we both know you had a hand in it."

"Me? Are you out of your mind?" Derek asked, his voice raising slightly.

"You weren't there for her, Derek. You weren't emotionally present. You were cold, you were distant, you were vacant. What was she supposed to do?"  
"Oh, so what? You just had to swoop in a save the day?"

"I watched her crumble Derek and yes, I was there to put the pieces back together."

"Do you want a fucking metal?" Derek exclaimed, he slammed his laptop shut and quickly pushed it off his lap onto the chair next to him. "Do you think you're some goddamn hero? Because I can assure you, you're still the chump who tried to wreck a marriage."

"I was succeeding for awhile there." Mark mumbled under his breath and Derek bit his tongue, as he felt the muscles in his hand twitch. He clenched his fist briefly while trying to control the pure distain running through his veins. "I fell in love with her Derek."

"You have no clue what it's like to be in love with Addison. You can think you do all you want but you haven't the faintest idea."

"So, that's it, huh? I get all the blame and you can't even acknowledge your role in the whole thing, or hers even?"

"Don't presume to tell me anything about her role in it. I already know. It takes two and all that jazz. I punished her for months. I can't do it anymore."

"So you're just going to pretend to love her? You did it for the last couple of years so you figure, why not let's just add a few more?"

"I want you to listen to me very carefully. She left New York to come find me. To fight for me. She left you because she knew she couldn't make it work with you. No matter how hard she might have willed it to be so in her head, it never was and I'll tell you why. Because Addison loves me and she always will."

"You can't love her the way she deserves Derek and you know that. Just let her go."

"Not a chance, buddy. Why don't you just save yourself the trouble and just go home?"

Mark saw the determination in Derek's eyes and it shocked him. Not because he didn't think Derek didn't love Addison anymore but because he truly thought Derek wouldn't fight for her. He never really had to. She had always fought for him. Mark's eyes shifted as he looked around the empty break room, he took a deep breath to calm his rising anger.

"I told her this would happen." Mark whispered suddenly, his jaw tightening at the thought. He couldn't loose Addison to Derek again. That thought alone in his brain seemed unfathomable. He quickly thought of the plan he had been unraveling just minutes earlier. That settled his nerves as he looked back at a puzzled Derek.

"You told her what would happen?"

"You wouldn't give her a divorce. Your selfishness knows new depths."

Derek laughed coldly, shaking his head sarcastically. "I'd say sleeping with my wife epitomizes selfishness. But that's just me."

Mark silently clenched his fists at the tone of Derek's voice. He decided if he valued his job and wanted to continue working at Seattle Grace he better not continue this conversation. Mark gripped his cup of coffee in his hand, while shooting Derek a look of sheer unrelenting. He started towards the door and when he reached out for the handle he heard Derek clear his throat.

"Mark…" Derek began. Mark turned around slowly, facing him with a blank look playing upon his face. "I will get what is mine." He warned carefully. Mark's head was spinning with verbal counter attacks but his words didn't seem to be working. With one final look in Derek's direction, Mark opened the door and walked out.

Addison couldn't turn her brain off. She felt like it was going a mile a minute, leaving her absolutely consumed and more confused than ever. She had been out of her last surgery of the day for about twenty minutes and she hadn't moved from her spot in one of the on-call bunk beds. She let her eyes close momentarily as she thought of the trailer.

So many of my things are still there. I need to go get them, she thought sadly as she brought her scrub covered legs up to her chest, positioning herself in something that resembled a ball. She silently cursed herself for leaving her things there for as long as she did. It probably gave Derek a false sense of hope. She still didn't fully understand the motivations behind him not signing the papers. She believed on the surface that it was obviously a farce; a plan to make her believe he still cared but she knew he'd manage to crush her heart in his hands by the end of it all. He always did. She quickly glanced at her watch that read 5:46 pm.

He might be in surgery, Addison thought to herself as she contemplated whether she should go to the trailer and pack up some of her things. She rolled around the many reactions he could possibly have upon discovering her missing things. She hated this uncertainty, it made her insides ache and she felt like it added years to her face. She was so tired. So thoroughly exhausted. For a second, she considered just falling asleep right where she was. She decided against it as she slowly say up, her feet dropping to the ground. She yawned empathically as she rose her arms above her head to stretch out her tense muscles. She grabbed her hair loosely in her hand and secured it with a clip as a few shorter sections in the front made their way out of their constraint. She stood up slowly and made her way out of the room as she headed for the surgical board. Once she was in front of it, she saw that Derek did have a surgery that had started only 15 minutes prior.

That gives me plenty of time, she thought as she studied the surgical board intently, she crossed her arms in front of herself as she rose her right hand to rest tentatively on her mouth, her fingers lightly tapping her lips as she remained in deep thought.

"I would offer you a penny for your thoughts, but I know they're worth much more than that." Came a familiar voice from beside her, shaking her from the roller coaster in her head. Addison's eyes shifted to where the voice was coming from, even though she already knew who it was. Alex's eyes went over her stiff presence, he noticed the pieces of hair in her face, he noticed the routine tapping of her delicate fingers on her mouth as she seemingly slipped deeper and deeper into what was going on in her mind.

"They aren't worth a lot." Mumbled Addison as she looked back at the board. Alex's eyebrows furrowed suddenly as he heard her unenthusiastic reply. Right on cue came his next remark.

"Are you okay?" He asked hesitantly, he felt like he asked her that a lot, almost on a regular basis and he didn't want to seem nosey or pushy, he was simply concerned. Yet we knew there was nothing remotely simple about the way he was starting to feel about Addison. It surprised even him when he thought about it.

"I'm good." She responded quietly, glancing over at where he was standing a few feet away from her, she suddenly realized he was dressed in street closes. "Are you okay?" She questioned.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Why are you still hanging around?" Addison asked. Alex's eyes shifted down slightly, as he pushed both of his hands in his pockets, teetering between putting his weight on his left side and his right side. Addison noticed his sudden fidgety behavior and smiled to herself; his boyish antics were charming.

"I was looking for you, actually."

"Really? Well, you found me. What's up?" Addison questioned as her eyes noticed the nurse that walked right past them.

"I thought maybe I could take you out for a bite to eat." Alex offered quietly, momentarily following her eyes.

"Oh, that's really-" Alex cut her off when he heard the uncertainty in her voice.

"Before you say no," He began, as he rose his hands briefly to halt her response. "It's just food."

Addison smiled as she carelessly brushed the bit of hair out of her face with the back of her hand, as she placed her hands on her hips. "Just food, huh?"

Alex nodded. "Just food."

"That sounds really nice. It does. It's just-"

"It's just that what?"

"Tonight's not a good night." Addison replied evenly, as she remembered why she had even been looking at the surgical board in the first place. Alex felt his heart sink as he broke their eye contact and nodded his head. Addison silently willed him to look back at her as she dipped her head in search of meeting his eyes. "But I'd love a rain check."

"Really?" The surprise in his voice was quite noticeable.

"Yeah, really."

"Okay."

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow." Addison smiled and nodded her head as she made her way to walk around him, quickly reaching out to gently squeeze his arm as she walked by.

Addison's hand wouldn't stop shaking long enough for her to put the key in the door.

"Just relax." She said aloud to herself as she surveyed the outside of the trailer. She attempted to put the key in again, finally succeeding as she opened the door to the trailer and stepped inside. Her hand reached for the light switch in the dark and she quickly flipped in on, as her eyes slowly began adjusting to the light, she surveyed the appearance of the inside. It looked the same as it had a few days previous when she had come to plead with Derek regarding the divorce papers. The thought of those papers made her stomach churn. She slowly walked through the trailer into the makeshift kitchen and opened the cabinet where they had kept the alcohol. She took on look at a bottle of vodka, then at a bottle of tequila and quickly decided against those choices.

I'm already a mess as it is. I don't want to be a complete drunken mess. Addison thought to herself.

She surveyed the entire cabinet until she decided that maybe a bottle of wine was her safest option. She closed the door to the cabinet and walked over to the wine rack, as she took out a bottle and opened the cabinet above her where the wine glasses were. She poured the wine into her glass and she took a sip and then took a slow, cleansing breath. She knew she had to prepare herself for what she was about to do. It seemed that even though she had been trying to do just that on the way over, being there faced with what she was about to do was torturous. Addison took both her glass and the bottle into the bedroom and gingerly sat down on the bed. She laughed to herself as she noticed the bed wasn't made. Derek never ever made the bed, he used to always say that it was a waste of time. Why make up your bed, to have to completely un-make it when you're exhausted and all you really care about is sleeping? He had once asked her. He used to tease her about her need to have thirty different decorative pillows when just three or four plain ones would suffice. She glanced at the pillows in the corner of the room.

I bet those pillows haven't even been on this bed since the last time I made it.

Addison nursed her glass of wine, as she sat the bottle on the floor. She stood up suddenly and crouched down as she reached under the bed and pulled out a suitcase. She stood up straight as she placed the suitcase on the bed and stared at it. This was going to be a lot harder than she had previously thought. She quickly downed what was left in her glass as she bent over to retrieve the bottle as she pulled the cork and poured another glass. She walked over to the dresser and slowly opened it, she saw all her things neatly folded in the drawer. She grabbed a handful of things as she turned around and placed them neatly in her suitcase. She continued this until the entire drawer was empty and then she moved on to the next one. Methodically sipping on her wine as she realized she really was packing her things. She went over to the closet right next to the bed room and opened it, she grabbed three of her coats that were hung neatly, one after the other. She made her way back to the suitcase as she threw them on the bed. She took another sip of her wine and squinted her eyes as she looked around the room, she took in the subtle hints of herself that she had gradually brought to the trailer. It made her clutch her class in one hand and she quickly ran the other over her face as she felt her heart sink to the pit of her stomach. She felt her mind whirl with too many different questions.

Why does this hurt so much? Why did I love him so much? Why do I still? Will it always be like this? Will it always hurt like this?

Addison gently ran the back of her hand against the front of her face to brush away a tear that had started falling. She cleared her throat and continued packing her clothes, in a hastier manner. She put the wine glass to her lips as she swallowed what was remaining and carefully placed it on the nightstand. She walked into what she would call a dismal excuse for a bathroom, gathered her various makeup and hair products, leaving very miscellaneous and more easily replaceable things behind. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror as she was turned around to walk out. Her hair was messy and tousled, her face looked pale and tired, her eyes were vacant and sad, she felt like a mere shell of the woman she had been earlier that day. It was like time had no bearing on her abundant sadness. No matter how deep she buried this pain of actually letting her marriage go piece by piece, it's effect on her was truly unprecedented. She was breathing just fine yet it felt like oxygen wasn't sufficiently filling her lungs. Her sorrow was suffocating her.

How did I let him turn me into this person? She thought to herself bitterly as she took one more look at her face and walked out.

She finished packing up her things and once she had two different suitcases full she decided she didn't really have the energy to go through anymore stuff. Addison grabbed the empty wine glass on the night stand and the bottle on the floor near the bed as she leaned against the wall nearest the bed. She carefully cradled her face in her palm as she stared at the suitcases on the bed, sipping her wine slowly. She could start to feel the alcohol running through her veins. It helped dull that overwhelming ache that seemed to rip right through her. Addison sat deathly still as she only moved her hand to bring the glass to her lips, she starred off into the distance of the room. Not really paying attention to one specific aspect of it. Her eyes suddenly fixated on something sticking out from underneath the dresser. From where she was she couldn't really make out what it was exactly. She blinked quickly, as her vision blurred and cleared only momentarily. She sat sipping her wine and wondering what had fallen and found it's way under the dresser. She got up suddenly, much faster than she should have because she stumbled over her own feet. She rested her free hand against the wall, taking a deep breath and steadying herself. She walked over to the dresser and knelt down, reaching down to pull out what was underneath. What she held in her hands was the last thing she expected to see. It was a picture of her and Derek. She leaned against the dresser as she turned to sit on the floor with her back against it. She remembered the exact moment the picture was taken. She was completely fixated on the happiness that radiated from the photo. Both their smiles reached out and touched her; they both looked so happy. So content. Probably because that was what they were.

How did we lose this? How did I get here?

The picture suddenly went blurry as Addison realized there were tears falling down her face. She gripped her glass of wine in one hand and the picture in the other and let the tears fall. Her sadness was beyond consuming and she knew she couldn't stop it. So she cried and cried, until she felt she couldn't cry anymore. Her tear ducts were too worn out and her head was hurting as she diverted her eyes from the picture to the suitcases on her bed. She drank the rest of the wine in her glass and took her cell phone out of her pocket as she set the empty wine glass and picture on the floor in front of her as she continued to look at the picture. She glanced at her phone and took a deep breath. She just needed to calm down. She scrolled through her contacts in her phone as she looked back at the picture and felt a pang in her gut. Before she could stop herself she had pressed 'call' on the contact she had purposefully paused on. The phone on the other end rang three times before she heard his voice. It almost instantly calmed her.

"Hello?"

"Hey," Addison offered lightly, as a smile crept upon her face at the sound of his voice.

"Hi," Alex replied, he could hear something in her voice but he couldn't really place it. She almost sounded really exhausted. "Are you okay?"

"Am I okay?" She repeated, as she quickly cleared her throat and shut her eyes briefly still blown away with the preciseness he always had with asking that particular question. "Yeah, I'm okay."

"Really? You don't really sound it."

"I don't? How do I sound?" Addison asked, trying to make her voice sound as normal as she could muster. She glanced at the picture and then quickly rubbed her eyes with the her hand.

"Honestly?" Alex questioned. He didn't want to venture a guess about her current mood if he was completely off base. But for some reason, he always trusted his instincts when it came to Addison.

"Yeah, really." She laughed momentarily at his hesitance.

"You sound kind of…sad."

Addison thought her tear ducts were out of service but she had obviously thought wrong because she felt the tears surface in her eyes as she tried to quickly blink them away, she clutched the phone a little bit more tightly to her ear. Alex could tell by the silence that passed over the other line that he was right. He had hit some sort of nerve.

"Ad-"

"Yeah, sorry. I'm here." Addison replied lightly.

"So I'm right?" Alex asked gently.

"Right about?"

"About you being sad."

"Yeah, I guess I am a little sad." She admitted to him as she pulled her knees up to her chin and glanced at her suitcase.

"What's the matter?"

"Oh, you know me: just being emotional."

"You shouldn't downplay your feelings. If you're upset, I'm sure you have a valid reason for being so."

"Yeah, maybe."

"Have you been drinking?" Alex asked suddenly.

Addison laughed at this as she glanced at the empty wine glass right in front of her. "So what, now I'm a predictable, emotional drunk?"

"Addison…" Alex warned.

"I'm just teasing. I had some wine, nothing too hectic I assure you."

"You wanna talk about it?"

"No, not really." Addison whispered.

"I didn't think so but it was worth a try."

"I hope you never stop trying."

"Well then I won't."

"I just wanted to hear you're voice."

"Is it helping?"

"Yeah, it is."

You have no idea how much it is helping. Addison thought to herself.

"Good." He replied.


	15. Too Good To Be True

Chapter 15: Too Good To Be True

"It's such a beautiful day today," declared Mark as he strolled over to the nurses station, eyeing Izzie Stevens as she busily looked over a chart. "Don't you think so Stevens?"

Izzie quickly diverted her eyes from the chart and looked up suspiciously at Mark. His joyous mood surprised her. It caught her off guard, he was never in a good mood. He never really engaged her with small talk. He never asked her any questions and with the exception of the day before, usually talked at her and not to her.

"Yeah, I guess," She replied slowly, her eyebrows lowered slightly as she ran her gaze over his face, trying to quickly assess what was the reason for his obvious improvement in mood. "It looks like it did yesterday outside."

"Naw, no way. It's much brighter."

"Yeah, if you say so." Izzie said as she looked back at her chart.

"How were rounds?" Mark asked casually as he watched her read through the chart. Izzie's head shot up when she realized what he had said. She almost thought she had misheard him.

"Excuse me?"

"How were rounds?" He repeated, smiling slightly at her obvious confusion. Her bewilderment was cute. "I remember dreading rounds when I was an intern."

"Um, they were…fine, I guess. Nothing too outrageous."

"So, I see your getting a head start on the case we have today." Mark said, gesturing to the chart.

"Yeah, I hope that's okay. It's just…I don't get to actually do anything, well…not really. Reading the chart makes me feel like I'm more apart of the case than I actually can be because of my restrictions…" Izzie suddenly paused as she realized she was babbling. "It's silly, I know."

"Are you kidding? It's not silly at all. It means your dedicated to the process, to the patient, regardless if you're going to be scrubbing in or even prepping them for surgery."

A look passed over Izzie's face as she realized he had just given her a compliment and as strange as it sounded coming from him, she liked it. She smiled quickly and nodded her head. "Thanks."

"No problem. It's the truth. I have a question I need to ask you though."

"Go ahead, ask away."

"You've worked with Dr. Montgomery before, correct?" Mark asked carefully, choosing his words very wisely. One verbal slip and she'd know he was up to something. The mention of Addison coming from him made Izzie stand up a little straighter and she felt her jaw tighten as she struggled to answer the question in the appropriate fashion. She suddenly saw a flash of Addison with Alex the day before. She cleared her throat.

"Yeah, on the quints case awhile back."

Mark nodded his head in response as he took note of Izzie's sudden change in demeanor.

_I've hit a nerve. Careful…careful. _He thought to himself.

"So you don't really know her that well."

"No, not at all. You know more about her than I do." Izzie said matter-a-factly. Knowing a sort of general premise of their relationship but no real details.

"Yeah, well she's not gonna listen to reason coming from me." Mark said vaguely, looking past Izzie briefly as he saw Derek in the distance.

"Reason? What do you mean?" Izzie asked, her curiosity suddenly peaking.

"I don't know," Mark paused, purposely making it seem as though he wasn't sure he should indulge her with such information. "Whatever's going on with her and that intern."

"Wha- what's going on with her and what intern?" Izzie spat out, nervously.

"You know, what's his name…K-k," Mark paused again, as if he was struggling to remember Alex's name.

_I wish I didn't know his name, that little bastard, _Mark thought.

"Karev." Izzie finished for him, shaking him out of his thoughts.

"Yeah, that's it. That one."

Izzie stared off into space as what she had already had a pretty good idea was going on, was confirmed. She felt her stomach drop as she crossed her arms securely in front of her.

"Really? So it's true?" Izzie asked.

"Yeah, I can't really be the one to tell her how bad of an idea that is because it'll just seem like I'm being the jealous ex-lover."

"And you aren't?" Izzie asked suddenly, seemingly skeptical of his sudden need to divulge this information to her.

"No, not at all. I just…I've seen her self-destruct before; I don't want to see it again."

"What do you mean?"

"She's not being serious. Do you really think Addison Montgomery would be with someone like," he lowered his voice, "Alex Karev? No offense."

"None taken. I don't know about that though. He's kind of like you, and after all; she was with you, wasn't she?"

"Like me? You're kidding right? I'm nothing like that kid."

"Sure you are, you just don't know it. He's arrogant, cocky, all-knowing, broody, impatient. Ring a few bells?" Izzie asked.

Mark rolled his eyes at her attempt to describe Alex and in turn, him. "Believe me, she's using him. She has no real intentions with that kid. She just wants to make Derek jealous, and probably me too a little bit."

"And you're sure something's going on?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

"Do you have any proof? Or are you just assuming?"

"I generally wouldn't think that interns made hotel calls to their attending unless they were screwing them but that's just me. Maybe they were in there water painting and making bracelets."

Izzie shook her head suddenly, feeling a lump form in her throat, she quickly swallowed, pushing it down. "Alright, alright, I believe you. But I thought they were getting a divorce?" Izzie questioned, referring to Derek and Addison.

"I wish. Then maybe I wouldn't be here in complete vain. Neither one of them has signed the divorce papers. They're going to work it out and get back together, they always do." Mark concluded blandly. Izzie noticed a slight look of sadness flash over Mark's face and she suddenly felt sorry for him. Maybe he had really loved Addison, or did.

"There are divorce papers and she hasn't signed them?" Izzie asked, suddenly slightly angry.

"Yep, neither one of them have."

"So she's just stringing Alex along."

"It would appear that way."

"What a bitch." Izzie mumbled under her breath. "No offense."

"None taken."

"She can't honestly think she can just use him like that and get away with it."

"Addison's been getting away with questionable behavior for her entire life because well, because she's Addison." Mark said plainly, seeing the resentment and distaste playing all over Izzie's face.

"Yeah, well she won't get away with this one."

"Why? What do you mean?"

"How about you and I make a pact?"

"What kind of a pact?"

"You work on her; I work on him."

"Sounds interesting. Hmm, I must say Dr. Stevens; you are more devious than I could have expected."

"Yeah, well don't let the hair and boobs fool you, I'm no angel."

Mark laughed at that. "Don't you think we need a game plan?"

"No, why would we? It's simple."

"It is? What's simple about it?"

"All you have to do is convince her that getting involved with Alex is a bad idea. Use your imagination, I'm sure you can think of something. But no blatant character assassination." Izzie stated, lowering her voice.

"And what about you?"

"I'll do the same."

"And that's it?"

"That's it? That's plenty. Believe me, it'll drive a wedge right through them."

_I like how she thinks._

"Perfect."

Addison had reverted back to taking the stairs. After all, she really didn't want to run into Derek taking one of the elevators after taking most of her things out of the trailer the night before. It had taken her an entire hour after hanging up the phone with Alex to actually put both suitcases in her car and drive off. She didn't want to know the reaction she had garnished with the absence of her things when he had gotten home that night. She knew he'd be furious. She knew he'd probably come looking for her and she didn't want to make it any easier for him to find her. She quickly rounded the corner of the stairwell and ran straight into whoever was hurriedly bounding up the stairs in the opposite direction. She felt a hand reach out and grab her arm to help steady her. She quickly looked up, beginning to apologize for the run in.

"Sorry," Addison began.

"It's alright, it was my fault. I was going too fast." Alex quickly replied, his eyes searching her face.

"Well, I wasn't paying attention. Sorry."

"It's fine." Alex watched as Addison sort of shifted her stance and her eyes diverted away from his. "You seem a little distracted."

Addison laughed at this. "Yeah, I guess you could say that. I am a little distracted. Or a lot distracted." Addison exhaled as she leaned against the railing.

"Are you back to hiding?" Alex asked jokingly. Realizing that the last time he had taken the stairs he'd ran into her.

"I'm just trying to be discreet, you know what they say: out of sight, out of mind."

"Yeah, well whoever said that has obviously never met you."

Addison felt a small smile play on her face at that remark. "That was sweet."

Alex shrugged his shoulders and sort of nudged the compliment aside. "It's the truth." He realized suddenly that he still had a hold on her arm. He let his hand slide down the length of her arm until it reached her hand and he gently squeezed it and attempted to let it go but she obviously had other ideas as she wouldn't let go. Addison's eyes shifted downward as she contemplated whether she should even be holding his hand in the middle of the stairwell, even though no one was around right that second, it didn't mean that this was the most private of places in the hospital. Alex could tell by the way she was gripping his hand and the way she was looking down that she was more than just distracted.

"What?" Alex questioned softly, as he studied her, trying to catch her eyes. He reached his free hand out and gently nudged her chin upward with his thumb. "What is it?"

Addison completely lost her train of thought when her eyes met his. She was yet again blown away at the pure concern that he never lacked, the care and patience she found in him by merely looking at him took her breath away. She never in a million years thought that she would find that; especially in the intern she couldn't even really stand no more than two months ago. How did this happen?

"Uh, I um…" Addison stammered as she tried to remember what it was she was going to say to him. "I just wanted to thank you for last night."

"Last night? I didn't even do anything."

"Sure you did. You talked to me. I know you probably think it's silly but… it meant a lot."

Alex shook his head slowly as he smiled briefly at that remark. "I don't think it's silly at all."

"I was having a rough night and you really calmed me down."

"Don't mention it."

The silence consumed them as they continued gazing at each other. Addison felt him gently rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb.

"You constantly surprise me." Addison remarked, her voice was laced with awe.

"That's a good thing though, right?"

"Oh, it's a great thing." Addison said, smiling.

"I really like that smile. I wish I saw it more." Alex said sincerely.

"I wish you did, too. I'll work on that." Addison offered, as she studied his face.

"Come here." Alex said gently, tugging her hand as she stepped onto the step closest to the one he was standing on. Their eye contact severed through the both of them with an innate electricity as Addison found herself gently caressing the side of Alex's face with the back of her hand. Everything about him left her completely enthralled. Addison felt herself leaning into him when the door to the stairwell flew open. They both hastily moved apart, as they looked in the direction of the door to see who had just witnessed the too-close-for-comfort moment between the two of them. There stood Izzie Stevens with a look of pure dismay.

"Seriously?" Izzie began with a shaky voice. "Wow, I knew it."

"Izzie," Alex began, having the feeling that this was something he couldn't easily get himself out of. Addison looked back in forth between Izzie and Alex and slowly shook her head as she briefly shut her eyes.

_This is bad. But at least it wasn't Derek or Mark._

"You know what, no. Don't say anything, you don't need to." Izzie said bitterly.

"Izzie." Alex said again as Izzie gave Addison the look to trump all dirty looks and turned around and walked out.

"I'm sorry." Alex said lightly. "I should probably go see if she's alright."

Addison had no clue why but she felt an almost immediate pang of jealousy and the intensity of that jealousy sent her into a tailspin in her mind. But she quickly put on her best professional Addison face and nodded her head. Alex quickly looked at Addison for confirmation.

"Yeah, of course." Addison said calmly. Alex took one more look at Addison and opened the door to the stairwell and walked out.

_I knew you were too good to be true._


	16. The Sadness Never Ceases

Chapter 16: The Sadness Never Ceases

Alex Karev moved swiftly along side three nurses who were slowly walking in the direction that Izzie had just gone. He felt almost sick to him stomach as he passed them and quickened his pace as he saw Izzie turn a corner. When he finally reached her she glanced at him from her peripheral and sped up her stride.

"Izzie, stop."

"You know what Alex, I know this isn' t fair. I know I have absolutely no room to say anything but I'm your friend…"

"Yes, you are my friend and I am yours." Alex said gently as he reached out and took her arm as she paused and cautiously turned around.

"I just…Dr. Montgomery? Really?" Izzie questioned, obviously thinking this was the most ridiculous of matching's for Alex.

"I don't know." Alex mumbled. "It is what it is, and I can't even figure that out half the time. We just kind of understand each other."

"I bet." Izzie muttered sarcastically as she rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.

"Why are you so angry?" Alex asked, wanting to know what gave her the right to question who he kept company with, after all; they hadn't been together physically since before Denny. Her sudden blatant distaste for Addison shocked him, he always thought Izzie looked up to her in her own secretive way.

"I'm not angry. I'm not." Izzie said calmly as she paused to clear her throat. "You can do whatever you what with whoever, obviously. I'm just concerned."

"Concerned? Why?" Alex seemed interested in what she was referring to.

"I'm sorry I freaked out. It was unnecessary and uncalled for. Just… I just want you to be careful." Izzie said faking a level of reluctance, she didn't want to give too much up, too soon. She gave Alex a tentative smile and nod and noticed the look of uncertainty on his face in response to what she has said. With that she turned around and walked away.

Be careful? He thought to himself as he watched her descending form walk away. What're trying to protect me from, Izzie?

Addison truly didn't know how she could be so stupid. So utterly ridiculous and illogical. She kept replaying that moment in her mind as she sat on the floor of the half-stocked supply closet. She had picked one that she had never been in, hoping she wouldn't be discovered by anyone for the remaining time she needed to hide there.

You are such a fool, Addison. She thought to herself sadly.

She stared at her hands in her lap as her mind continued racing. She couldn't forget that feeling that had literally penetrated her gut when she was left standing in the stairwell and it's numbing ache still lingered as she tried her hardest to will it away. She couldn't believe she had let herself get in so deep with him, and not even in the physical sense because they hadn't even slept together; their emotional connection was what pained her realistic existence. She knew logically in her head that their relationship was wrong on so many levels. But then again it was the one thing keeping her from breaking down; keeping her from becoming completely mountainous and irrelevant. She craved him. She didn't know what it was but it was an innate need inside her that she couldn't really understand or get a handle on. Addison slowly wiped tears that were falling down her cheeks, as she tried to take a breath to calm her nerves, she felt her shoulders tremble slightly as she continued her demise into self-loathing. She was infuriated with herself for being this upset over it. Over Alex. The intern…the same intern she couldn't stand when she first met him. So what had changed? Now he was the intern that completely listened to and absorbed her words, looked at her with such vulnerability, such strength, such limitless belief. It was amazing. He captivated her and it was her own fault because she had let him. Let him in, let him listen, let him feel; she had gave him a chance. But she had stood there, like another corner in a pathetic, twisted love triangle and she hated it. Triangles were overrated. The memory of that moment flooded to her brain as she replayed Alex going after Izzie, when no more than 45 seconds earlier he had been caressing her hand in a dangerously effective manner. Why was she so shaken by this? She knew why and it scared her: she really was starting to feel something incredibly significant for Alex Karev and it needed to stop. She really couldn't afford another heartbreak.

Why do I attract men that aren't good for me?

She cursed herself for letting it get as far as it did in the stairwell. The stairwell? It was a wonder someone didn't walk in on them before Izzie. She felt nauseated just thinking about it all, her head hurt, her heart ached, she felt an enormous sense of rejection and she was tired. She sighed sadly as she glanced at her wrist and read her watch: 10:45.

That's just great. The day just started and I'm having a nervous breakdown in some random supply because I'm a foolish woman.

"I feel like I've been looking all over for you." Came a voice from behind Addison as she jumped slightly upon immediately recognizing who the voice belonged to. She could feel her stomach churn briefly and her heart start to beat a little faster. She quickly took a breath and continued what she was doing: updating the chart in front of her. She silently thanked her lucky stars that she wasn't swarming with cases today.

"Well, I'm sorry you bothered." Addison replied evenly. She realized only when it came out of her mouth how utterly condescending and rude her words must have sounded.

"What?" Alex asked, confused at her somewhat standoffish demeanor, she wasn't even really acknowledging him, which further created this annoying feeling he was having in his gut.

"I'm sorry you bothered," Addison repeated herself, trying to sound more relaxed then she was feeling inside. "I don't have anything for you to do right now. You should go see what's going on in the pit. I'm sure it'll be more exciting down there then in neonatal today."

"You're assigning me to the pit?" Alex asked in a confused tone, he took a step closer to her and saw her draw back slightly, even though not looking at him, she immediately felt the sudden nearness of his body. She sensed him. Addison continued writing on the chart that lay on the edge of the counter she was leaning against. She willed herself to continue her quest of seeming nonchalant and blandly routine.

"Yeah, is that a problem? I could have you check vitals on preemies every thirty minutes but I doubt you'd want to do that." Addison replied, coolly.

"No, it's not a problem. I just have a hard time believing you don't need an intern for the day. What's this about?"

"I don't know what you mean. This isn't about anything."

"Really? You don't know what I mean?" Alex questioned, as his eyes ran over her profile and the way her hair fell carelessly around her face as she seemed completely engulfed in the chart.

"Really, I have no clue." Addison sighed, as she hoped he'd just leave it at that and turn around and let her be.

"Look at me." Alex muttered softly. Addison involuntarily closed her eyes as she reacted to the tone in his voice.

"Karev…"

"Look at me." Alex repeated with more urgency. Addison felt her hand quickly clench her pen tightly as she racked her brain with what to do. One thing she knew was that it was becoming increasingly harder each second that he was so close to her to not ask him all the questions she had in her mind about Izzie. About him and Izzie. About him and her. It made her head ache and heart drop. She took a deep breath, pausing slightly before she took off her glasses silently and turned to look at him. Putting all the bravery she could muster into her mind to will her to meet his eyes.

"What?" Addison questioned lightly.

"What's wrong with you?" Alex asked lowly, as his eyes darted from hers momentarily to survey who was in their proximity.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Addison muttered unconvincingly as she glanced down at her hands.

"You don't know what I'm talking about?" Alex repeated softly, keeping his voice down as he looked at her, his face full of confusion. "Don't do that. Don't lie..."

"I'm not lying." Addison interjected quickly. "I just…"

"You just what?" Alex questioned gently. Addison could hear the tenacity in his voice and it made her eyes burn.

"I just…I don't want to talk about it." Addison replied simply, exhaling as she ran her hands swiftly and hastily through her hair.

"Usually that excuse works with me and usually I wouldn't think of pressuring you beyond that point but this is different. It's like…" he paused as his eyes quickly glanced over her face. "It's like…you have something to say but you're not sure you should. Whatever it is…just say it."

"Fine, you want me to just say it?" Addison asked suddenly, feeling her emotions well up at the surface and they choked her for a second as she cleared her throat.

"Yes, I do."

"Do you still have feelings for Izzie?"

"Why did I have a feeling this was about that?" Alex replied distractedly, answering her question with one of his own.

"Answer the question." Addison said simply, tapping her heal against the ground subtly as she felt herself antagonizing him with her eyes. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt this jealous, this downright territorial. It completely scared her. Alex sighed as he saw the distrust and anguish that lay plainly on Addison's face. He almost reached out to her but stopped himself when he realized where they were.

"Izzie is my friend. Yes, we once had a romantic relationship but now we are friends."

"Yeah her 'friendly' concern seemed quite prevalent today," Addison started bitterly, putting a divinely present stress on the word 'friendly' as she briefly narrowed her eyes at him. "That's for sure."

"Stop it, that's completely not fair." He exclaimed lightly, through somewhat clenched teeth, she could see the slight flush in his face and could tell that they shouldn't be having that particular conversation where they currently were. "I don't ask you about any old feelings you still harbor for your ex-husband or your ex-lover."

His words stung her as she realized their vitality and truth. He never questioned her, he always was cautious, patient and kind. Totally unassuming and understanding and the first time she sees him worried about another woman's feelings besides her own made her downright insane with jealousy. She couldn't stop it. She couldn't explain it, but she knew it was there and in extremely excessive amounts.

"You're right." She muttered softly as she realized there were tears that were starting to burn her eyes. She quickly looked away as her eyes darted to whatever she could find that wasn't him. She suddenly cleared her voice and thought it best if she just be done with the conversation. This wasn't the time or the place. "Go find something to do in the pit."

"We're not done talking about this." Alex reasoned gently yet firmly.

"Well, I'm done," Addison countered defiantly. "Go find something to do in the pit."

"Add…"

"Alex, please…" Addison pleaded softly as she interrupted him before he could even get her name out. "Just…go. I can't have this conversation with you right now."

The pain laced in Addison's voice completely shocked him. She was really hurt. He instantly felt guilt creep up inside him as he saw the weary expression on her face. Alex stood there, staring at her, not knowing what to say but knowing that he didn't want to walk away. Knowing that he couldn't. Their eye contact lingered for another moment before Addison broke it and swiftly picked up the chart that she had been completing as she turned briskly on her heels and walked away. Alex stood watching her descending form in complete shock. His frustration built as a gang of different thoughts ran through his head. He put his hands on the top of his head and let out an aggravated sigh as he turned around to walk in the other direction.

Addison struggled to juggle three charts in her arms as she quickly rounded the corner of the neonatal floor. She grumbled lowly under her breath as the alarm on her blackberry went off. She paused suddenly wondering what that alarm was even for. It's purpose escaped her for the moment as she opened her arms over the nearest flat surface before she lost hold of all the charts and they came tumbling onto the floor. She stacked them absentmindedly as her alarm went off again. She flipped open the first chart as she dug into her coat pocket to retrieve her blackberry and cease the annoying noise that came from it. She was so consumed with everything that was going on both in front of her and in her head. She let out an exaggerated sigh as she slid her glasses onto her nose with her finger.

"You look busy."

Addison literally jumped out of her skin as her eyes darted to where the voice had come from. She sighed loudly and rolled her eyes as she saw Mark leaning against the nurses station where he stood a few feet away from her observing her intently. He could tell there was something wrong with her, she seemed jittery. She looked stressed, rushed and tired.

What is with the men of this hospital sneaking up on me?

"Well, look at you. You get a gold star today for most observant. Congratulations." Addison said sarcastically as her attention left Mark and she went back to scribbling away at her charts. Mark smiled slightly at her snaky remark but he didn't miss the slight sadness underneath. She really was all over the place. And one thing he knew about Addison was that when she was like this, it usually meant she was sad. She probably felt displaced, alone, angry even. He just didn't know why. But he wanted to figure it out.

"You wanna talk about it?" Mark questioned as he tentatively approached her. She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye as he came closer.

"What? Talk about what Mark? Use your words." Addison quipped firmly.

"I don't know. Maybe we could start with why you're completely biting my head off and I haven't even said three sentences to you. But hey, I understand that I'm an easy target." Mark offered as he continued watching her, she exhaled and took off her glasses as she glanced at him.

"I'm sorry," Addison offered sincerely as she felt all her resounding emotions trying to resurface as she struggled to push them away.

"Wow, I can't remember the last time you said that to me."

"Yeah, well write it down. It might not happen again."

Mark laughed at this and Addison felt the corner of her mouth upturn in a slight smirk but it was gone faster than it came. Her heart was in dire straights and she couldn't even manage to crack a full smile. "Yeah, I'm sure you're right about that. So spill it." Mark replied.

"It's nothing, Mark. Really. I'm fine. I just have a ton to get done."

"Addison, come on. I can tell when you're lying. You know I can. You're jumpy, you're frazzled, you're all over the place."

Am I really that transparent? Addison questioned in her head.

"Really," Addison reasoned with him as she tried to put on the bravest face she could manage. "I just have a lot to do. I underestimated my workload today. I'm feeling a little stressed, that's all."

"Where's your intern?" Mark asked suddenly, feeling that was the perfect time to bring up the lack of presence of her barely-out-of britches boy toy. Addison stopped with her pen in mid-air at the mention of Alex. She looked at Mark with a look of disbelief but didn't say anything. "What? If you're so boggled down with work, where is he at? Why isn't he helping you?" Addison cleared her throat and shifted her eyes away from his. She suddenly felt sick to her stomach and she swallowed to ease the growing lump in her throat.

"I put him on pit for the day." Addison replied blandly.

Please change the subject. Addison thought desperately to herself.

"Did you? Why's that? Some sort of passive aggressive punishment you're giving him?"

"Honestly, Mark. I don't really have time for your verbal escapades right now so if you'll excuse me."

"Oh, sure. Yeah, you have 'so much to do'. I wouldn't want to keep you, just…trying to check on an old friend." Mark finished softly. Addison could hear the undertone of disappointment in his voice and she felt a twinge of guilt. But she knew she couldn't go there. No matter how lost or depressed she felt, she couldn't show him her weaknesses. She couldn't make that mistake again. She wouldn't.

"Well, thanks for caring." Addison muttered sincerely as she met Mark's defeated glance.

"I'll always care. Always." Mark said plainly as he paused for a moment, letting his words marinate in her consciousness. He held her eye contact as he noticed the pain in her eyes. It was so obvious it almost broke his heart. Without another word he gave her a reassuring look as he made his way past her, leaving her discreetly wiping the corners of her eyes, as she silently wondered how she hadn't already managed to hit rock bottom.

I don't know how much more of this I can take.


	17. Treading Water

Chapter 17: Treading Water

Alex Karev wouldn't really consider himself an expert on anything in particular. Well, that wasn't necessarily correct, he used to pride himself on being a stubborn jackass because he grew up feeling like he never wanted to be anything like a pushover. Passivity wasn't something he wanted to let people know he possessed. The funniest thing about that is he hadn't even really thought he could possess it. He didn't know he had had it in him, until a certain female surgeon with red hair, gorgeous eyes and a smile that could probably light up a thousand cities, had set it off inside of him. But now he was stuck. He had no where to go, he didn't know what to do. He was completely stagnant. Completely clueless. Addison wasn't talking to him, well, she wasn't not talking to him but she was definitely doing her best to avoid and stay away from him. Alex could count on one hand the number of words she had said to him in the past 48 hours. She hadn't even been at work the day before and today when he tried to approach her about cases she told him George was already working on her case and to go find Bailey to get assigned to another attending. But he didn't want to be assigned to another attending. He wanted to be assigned to her. He wanted her to talk to him. He wanted her to tell him why she was so mad or hurt or whatever it was she was feeling that had caused this obvious lack of communication between them. It had taken everything he had in him to not force her into talking to him, into telling him why she was being so distant, so textbook professional. It pained him just thinking about it. In his head he felt for sure that it was the Izzie incident in the stairwell that had lead to her sudden change. When he thought back to that moment when he had left her to go after Izzie, he could see why she would be upset. But had she not believed him when he had told her that him and Izzie were just friends? Had she thought he was lying? She hadn't even returned his phone calls. He had called her three different times the night before and only his pride had stopped him from completely blowing up her cell.

_Maybe I'm being too pushy,_ Alex thought to himself.

He didn't want to be so overbearing to the point that he completely annoyed her. He didn't want to be so extreme that he scared her, he didn't want to rush her but the fact that she was obviously not talking to him was driving him crazy. He didn't know how much more of the semi-silent treatment he could stand before completely losing his mind. Their lack of communication made his head hurt and the more he thought about it the more he was convinced he was overanalyzing every aspect of it.

_Maybe she just needed some space,_ he reasoned in his head. _No, no. She would have just said that if that was the case. She knows I would give her that._

Alex continued to silently rack his brain as he leaned nonchalantly on the gurney he was sprawled carelessly out on. He loudly exhaled as he realized he had been holding his breath at all the thoughts swirling around in his head of utter contemplation. He felt almost unable to form rationale excuses for this whole situation and found himself merely analyzing her behavior to death. It made his head ache. He hated feeling this clueless and so helpless, he had promised himself to never let those things control him, not like they did when he was a kid. Alex closed his eyes briefly as he silently wished he could just stop thinking about it. Just stop thinking about her. He'd never been this devastatingly engrossed in another human being. Never. No woman had ever had this effect on him. So why her? Why Addison? It confused him to no end. Alex's eyes opened as he heard the door from across the hall open and Izzie tentatively come through it. He could tell by the look on her face that she didn't know whether or not she should bug him. Alex remained silent as she walked over to him, studying his position and trying to meter his temperament by his physical appearance. He seemed slightly agitated, or maybe it was tired, she really couldn't tell. She sat down on the gurney against the wall directly in front of him. Izzie took a breath before deciding to break the silence that hung in the air.

"Why the long face?" She questioned lightly. The corners of Alex's mouth turned down into a bit of a frown as he shook his head lightly.

"There's just nothing to do. I was down in the pit for literally half an hour and nothing more serious than a sprained ankle came in." Alex complained bitterly, trying to get his mind off of what was really plaguing his entire mood to begin with.

"What happened to gynie duty?" Izzie asked purposefully. Alex felt his jaw tense at the mere mention. He absentmindedly cracked the knuckles of his right hand.

"O'Malley gets to suffer through it today." Alex said blandly, as he scratched the slight scruff on his chin, he hadn't even shaved this morning.

"Suffer?" Izzie questioned as she chuckled lightly. "You haven't really been acting like it's much punishment lately."

Alex chose to dodge her obvious dig and shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. "All I know is that there are surgeries and I scrub in on them…that's what matters."

"Of course that's what matters." Izzie replied loosely. "You get to scrub in on all her good cases." Alex couldn't help but notice the slight change in Izzie's voice when she had said 'her'. He already knew exactly where she was trying to go with this conversation.

"Izzi-"

"Ale-"

They both started with the others name at the same time as Alex quickly decided that maybe she should get out whatever it was she wanted to discuss.

"No, go ahead." Alex said firmly.

"I just hope you know what you're getting yourself into." Izzie offered vaguely. Alex already knew what she was referring to but he wanted her to be more specific.

"Getting myself into?" He questioned unenthusiastically.

"With Dr. Montgomery."

"I'm not getting into a-"

"No, no," Izzie quickly cut him off. "Let's maintain an honest friendship. That's not what you told me a couple of days ago, sounds like your backtracking."

"I'm not backtracking." He replied lightly. "I'm barely treading water."

"Why?"

"I don't know." He sighed dramatically. " I'm just confused. I'm sure it's just me. It'll pass."

"Maybe you're confusion is trying to tell you something." Izzie pondered cleverly. "Maybe you should listen."

"Why are you suddenly so suspicious of Addison?" Alex blurted out as he studied her reaction. A look of pure shock took over her face as she diverted her eyes from his and struggled with how to respond to that question.

"I'm not…suspicious," Izzie countered unsteadily.

"Well it sure as hell sounds that way."

"Okay, well maybe I'm a little suspicious. I mean, you're not?" Izzie questioned curiously.

"No. Why should I be?" Alex asked suddenly, feeling like maybe she knew something he didn't.

"I don't know," Izzie reasoned gently. "Maybe because she cheated on her husband, or maybe because she decided she still wanted to be with that husband after cheating on him and the man she did the deed with was not only his best friend but he now works at this hospital with the both of them."

"So because she cheated on Shepard and Sloan ended up in Seattle, she's subject to such scrutiny?"

"It just all seems a bit messy, don't you think?"

"It's not messy, it's complicated."

"Same thing."

"It is what it is, Izzie. And I can't figure that out half the time."

"I just…want you to be careful is all."

"Careful? Why? You think all she had to do was bat her eyelashes at me and I was hooked?" Alex joked, he honestly didn't even know why they were still discussing it. Izzie obviously didn't like Addison for Alex. Or maybe she just didn't like anyone for Alex that wasn't her.

"No, I don't think that." Izzie responded as she rolled her eyes, sitting up straighter on the gurney and crossing her legs. "I think that Addison is smart. I think she knows exactly what she's doing and I think she knows just how to do it… I just… I just hope you're not blind to it."

"Well, I can promise you that my eyes are wide open." Alex assured her.

"I hope so." Izzie mumbled, as she decided to end the conversation at that.

Addison sat quietly, blankly staring into her coffee. She had lost count of how many cups she had managed to consume since she arrived at work early that morning. She hadn't slept a wink the night before, tossing and turning proved to be all she was good for. She felt so tired, yet so irritatingly alert. Her body ached as she gently rubbed her temples with her fingertips. She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly as the door to the break room opened slowly. The person on the other side of the door was literally the last person she wanted to see at that moment. She didn't know if she had the psychological and emotional strength for the hurtful argument that she thought surely would ensue.

"Do you have a minute?" Derek asked as he surveyed her face and the blank expression on it.

"Depends." Addison offered lightly as she took another sip of her coffee.

"On what?"

"On what it's about."

"It's about us." Derek replied softly.

"Derek-" Addison quickly interjected.

"Please just hear me out." Derek exclaimed. The apparent pleading tone of his voice surprised her, it made her throat dry and she was suddenly at a lose for words. She quickly diverted her eyes from his and cleared her throat. Derek took immediate advantage of her silence as he took a couple steps closer to her. "I need to convince you to believe in us. I need to convince you to give us a second chance."

"I can't." She replied firmly, as she turned her head to briefly glance at him.

"That's not true. You can, you just won't and it's because you're scared. Scared that I'm going to hurt you again." Derek explained calmly. Addison almost didn't believe the words that were coming out of his mouth. She didn't trust them. She didn't trust his words because she'd heard them before and never had such things promised ever been delivered, not lately anyways.

"We hurt each other, Derek." Addison mumbled softly.

"Yeah, we did. But this hurts more, Addison. Being without you hurts so much more." Derek reasoned urgently.

"Time heals all wounds." Addison whispered, as she lightly rubbed the side of her neck, she felt her hands slightly start to tremble.

"Time's only making this one bigger."

"I'm sorry, Derek." Addison replied as she locked her eyes on his. "I am. I don't think you'll ever fully realize how sorry I am for so many things. But we can't change them now. We have to move o-"

"Move back into the trailer." Derek blurted out, cutting her off.

"I'm not moving back into the trailer." Addison exclaimed, raising her voice for the first time.

"Move back in for a week. Give me one week and if you want to leave after that, fine."

"What?" Addison questioned, feeling increasingly bewildered. She didn't understand what he was saying. Move back in with him? He was out of his mind.

"One week. That's all I want." Derek protested as he paused and weighed whether or not he should say what was next on the tip of his tongue. "If you love me at all, you'll do it."

Addison felt like she had literally been slapped in the face. Derek was obviously playing verbal and emotional hardball. She felt her eyes start to burn with tears as she blinked them away. She couldn't believe he had the nerve, the guile, the utter audacity to use the love that she'd always feel for him, against her. She clenched her jaw shut as she noticed her lip was slightly quivering as if she was cold. She felt so many mixes of anger, bitterness, and resentment she couldn't even manage to separate them.

"If you love me at all…you'll do it." Addison repeated exactly what he had just said, word for word, as she looked him straight in the eyes.

"Add-"

"Shut up." Addison interrupted sharply. "You are unbelievable, Derek. We lack more practical things than love. We lack things like common ground, understanding, forgiveness. We don't lack love."

"And love's not enough?"

"No, it's really not and I completely resent the fact that you had the nerve to hold my love for you against me, that's below the belt."

"You're going to regret this. Regret not giving me another chance."

"Well, I'll deal with it than if that regret ever sets in, but I can't give you another week or another day or hour or minute or even another second because I don't have any left." Addison finished as her voice slightly cracked, a tear escaped down her cheek as she hurriedly brushed it away. "I'm done." Addison's eyes were burning as she finally broke their eye contact as she couldn't stand having to look into his hurt, confused and presuming face that looked back so pitifully at her. As much as she wanted this to get easier, these run-in's with him, they never were; if anything they seemed to get harder. It was like with every attempt he made, she, as a result, became more beaten down, more depressed, more riveted with anguish and sadness. She had to get away from him before she didn't have the good sense and strength to run in the opposite direction. She quickly cleared her throat and stood up as she made her way towards the door, Derek was one step ahead in his mind and quickly stepped in front of her, blocking the door. Their eyes burned into the other's as Addison slowly felt her walls breaking, it took everything in her to hold it together. After a moment of silence she cleared her throat and spoke. "There's nothing you can do and I mean that. Just let it be." Derek's head fell as he placed his palm over her face and then ran it through his hair. Addison took one more look at him and reached around his body for the door handle and he reluctantly moved away from the door, finally letting her pass.

"So what's the news my lovely co-conspirator?" Mark Sloan asked Izzie as he quickly snuck up from behind her. Izzie turned around from what she was doing and crossed her arms in front of her and gave Mark a bit of a disapproving face.

"Don't do that. Don't try to be coy or cute or…whatever it is that you do. We aren't sidekicks, I don't need any nifty nicknames, thanks." Izzie countered seriously.

"Okay, okay…touchy. Well excuse me for trying to bring a little bit of light to this destruction we are creating."

"Oh, you can stop the noble act, this is a 50-50 project."

"Right, so what's the verdict?" Mark asked as he examined her face with his questioning eyes.

"What's your rush?" Izzie questioned him curiously. "It does take time, you realize? If you go in guns blazing, it looks like you're purposefully trying to sabotage them. You don't want that."

"Right, so subtly is the key?" Mark questioned. "I've never really been any good at being subtle."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" Izzie actually cracked a smile at this. "Planting seeds of doubt is all we need to do. The rest will happen on it's own. The doubt will set in and they won't have a chance." Izzie finished matter-of-factly.

"Sounds like that could work." Mark reasoned.

"Oh, it can. It's a foul proof plan as long as we're careful and not too obvious."

"Right."

"Remember, plant discreet seeds of doubt."

"You know Stevens, you and I could make a very effective team." Mark remarked smugly as he mirrored her crossed arm stance.

Izzie squinted her eyes briefly as she pondered his statement, it didn't really irritate her the way it previously would have. "Yeah well, the verdict is still out on that one."


	18. You Say Everything Right

Chapter 18: You Say Everything Right

Addison clutched her keys in her right hand as she took a breath and gripped the steering wheel with the other as she tried to calm her frazzled nerves. She had thought that after sitting in the shower for 45 minutes maybe going for a drive would take her mind off of all the devastation that had built itself a palace on her spirit. She had been sitting in her car for about three full minutes before she even put the key in the ignition and slowly turned it, starting her car. Everything in her mind was jumbled and left her feeling tremendously unsettled. She had been so sick of that hotel room and it's emptiness, she could hear her every thought, every delusion, every wish, every regret. It really shook her. She toyed around with the thought of just going back to the hospital but knew she would just end up restlessly rolling around in one of the on call bunks debating and rejecting sleep. She glanced at her reflection in the rear view mirror as she hastily threw her hair up in a clip as the shorter pieces in the front fell onto her face as they framed it.

Just drive, she thought as she stared at her image in the mirror, despising herself for the sorrow she saw looking back at her from her own eyes. She felt empty; she was lost. Just drive.

She started her car and pulled slowly out of her parking space and she started driving. She didn't care what street she was on, she didn't even know where she was going but it didn't matter. Her heart beat slowed as she thought of Alex, but then it ached as she thought of every ounce of innocence and depth she was selfishly taking from him. She couldn't help it. Whenever she was near him she breathed in his presence in giant entities, his touch made her weak, she yearned for his natural disposition; the ease in his eyes. The way he held her emotionally, mentally and physically captivated and scared her. The way he was making her feel worried her. She wasn't ready for this. It was all too intense, too soon, too overwhelming. It wasn't fair to him that she got so outrageous with jealously after he had gone after Izzie that she could barely talk to him and had officially begun trying to avoid him. But she couldn't stop it. She needed him. He made her feel safe, secure and free. Being around him reminded her of what a brilliant surgeon she was, and more importantly what a brilliant person.

I don't know if I can let him go, thought Addison as she stared off into the distance of the winding road as a tear ran down her face. Stop crying. All I do is cry.

Alex reclined out lazily on his couch as he quickly changed the channels with the remote that was resting on his thigh as he unenthusiastically channel surfed, he ran his hand through his short hair, still damp from his recent shower. He finally stopped on ESPN and tossed the remote onto the couch beside him. He took a deep breath and briefly closed his eyes to try and stop his head from spinning. The constant and ongoing cycle of his thought process had given him a huge headache. His doorbell ringing jolted him out of his tumultuously spinning thoughts. Alex furrowed his eyebrows suddenly as he tried to recall if he was supposed to be expecting anyone. He got up slowly and sighed as he walked over to the door and opened it. He wasn't in any way prepared for who was on the other side of it, the moment her scared eyes locked with his, he felt his heart start to race, as he clenched the handle of the door. Neither one of them said anything for a moment, as they just stared at each other. Alex finally found his voice.

"Hi," he offered unsteadily. He couldn't believe that she was actually there, on one hand he was ecstatic to see her but on the other the look on her face left him uneasy. She looked slightly unsettled and perplexed.

"Hi," Addison replied as she tried to force a light smile onto her face, it barely showed as her eyes momentarily left his. She suddenly almost regretted coming. Just randomly showing up at his house for the second time. "I know I probably should have c-"

Alex quickly shook his head and eased the door open wider. "You don't have to call." Gesturing her in with his hand. Addison walked past him, noticing as their arms lightly grazed against each other as she walked fully into his apartment. She put her hands nervously in the pocket of her jeans as she bit her lip and turned around to look at him. She felt the hairs on the back of her neck raise as he stared into her eyes. She struggled to keep hold of her thoughts and follow through with the reason for her visit. Addison quickly brushed a few stray pieces out of her face with the back of her hand as she put the other hand on her hip and exhaled.

This is going to be harder than I thought, she thought to herself as she felt her anxiety slowly creep up. When she slowly started to open her mouth to say something, Alex cut her off before she could even put her breath into it.

"Before you say anything, if this is about me going after Izzie the other day…"

"It's not about that," Addison sighed, hearing Izzie's name made her stomach turn.

"Good, because her and I really are just friends." Alex rationed urgently to her.

"Please don't do that." Addison urged gently, the tone of her voice so soft it was barely audible. Alex felt the muscles in his jaw tighten and his forehead slightly wrinkle at his displaced furrowed brows.

"Do what?"

"Explain." Addison said blandly. "You don't owe me any explanations."

"I know that," Alex replied calmly, he could sense her uncertainty, her complacence; it worried him. "I just can't tell if you believe me."

"It doesn't matter." She whispered as she cleared her throat and rubbed her right earlobe nervously. Alex stepped toward her suddenly, not leaving much space in between their bodies.

"What's wrong?" He asked as he quickly took hold of her hand. "You're shaking." He finished, the concern in his eyes and voice was evident. Addison hadn't anticipated his fingers clutching hers so deliberately, or the sudden change in their proximity. His eyes seemed to cut through her whole imaginary barrier.

"I'm okay." Addison murmured lightly, looking down briefly as she pulled her trembling hand out of his grasp.

"No you're not," Alex said firmly as his eyes studied her every inch. "What is it?" He breathed. Addison struggled for the right words to say. She felt like she had practiced it a thousand times in the car on the way there but for some unknown reason all those words were completely escaping her. She felt her eyes start to burn as her gaze remained down. She could feel the intensity of his stare on every part of her, he was entirely too close and she couldn't even think straight. She took a deep breath, suddenly realizing his incredible scent had crept up her nose. She slowly sighed as she tried to completely un-engage her body.

"I talked to Derek today." She blurted out lightly. The expression on Alex's face completely changed and he looked almost outrageously furious. It almost scared her as she felt her muscles tense.

"Is this who did this to you?" Alex questioned sternly. "Did he hurt you?

"No, no…"Addison whispered incessantly as she momentarily put her hand on her forehead. His concern coupled with his nearness and purpose was exquisitely intoxicating. She couldn't even think straight. "He asked me to move back in the trailer." She said softly. Alex's face went blank as he just stared at her, he felt like he had something caught in his throat as her words registered in his mind.

"What did you say?" Alex asked loosely after a few seconds. His eyes pierced hers as she felt her pulse quicken.

"I said no." Addison breathed tiredly.

"What made you say no?" Alex asked curiously.

You. Addison thought quickly. "A lot of things, mostly just me knowing there's no way I could survive being with him again." Alex nodded his head in agreement with her statement as he resisted the urge to move a piece of hair from in front of her eye. Alex couldn't help feeling like that wasn't all she had come all the way to his apartment to nervously tell him. There had to be something else. She interrupted his thoughts when she continued. "I don't think I can do this anymore." She said plainly, she grimaced silently as she heard the words out of her mouth. They sounded so cold, so idle , completely the opposite of what she felt.

"You can't do what anymore?" Alex asked firmly. He didn't understand what she meant, he was so confused. More than anything he wanted to reach out and just touch her, just to try and calm all the overwhelmingly heightened nerves he could tell were ruling her.

"This. You and me. I'm not emotionally equipped for it at all right now." Addison lamented gently. Alex stood stunned, feeling like his stomach had just been drop kicked and he had gotten the wind kicked out of him. He recoiled back as he stepped away from her, recklessly running his hand over his face and through his hair.

"Alex, I'm so sorry." Addison whispered sadly, she could feel her eyes start to burn as she quickly blinked the tears away.

"Why?" Alex asked vaguely, feeling like that was the only this he could manage.

"Because I'm damage that you don't deserve." Addison choked out.

"Damnit, Addison… you have got to stop trying to protect me!" Alex exclaimed, his voice elevating.

"I'm trying to protect the both of us!" Addison blurted out loudly, the words escaped her mouth before she got a hold of them. She felt her heart start beating faster. This wasn't the way she had expected this conversation going. She hadn't wanted to hurt him.

"What?"

"You have no idea how jealous I got when you went after Izzie, it's not about that but I'm making a point. I can't handle feeling like that. On top of everything else I'm feeling…"

"What else are you feeling?" Alex interjected suddenly.

"I'm feeling more than I should." Addison admitted in a whisper. She crossed her arms as she took a deep breath, hating herself for that specific omission. Maybe it wasn't that bad. She owed him something for all the understanding he had so selflessly displayed to her over the past few weeks. Alex stared at her with confusion in his eyes. He felt like she was slowly squeezing his insides with her hands. He quickly cleared his throat and took a breath.

"So you're standing here and telling me that you feel things for me but that we shouldn't continue with what's going on between us?" Alex asked, the perplexity in his voice was hard to miss. Addison didn't even want to answer that purposeful, skillfully worded question. She diverted her eyes from his as she took a breath to try and calm her agitation. "Look me in the eyes and tell me that's what you're saying." Addison bit the inside of her lip as she fought off the urge to give in, to take it back. She met his eyes with hers and silently nodded her head.

"Say it." Alex implored.

"Yeah," Addison sighed bitterly, "That's what I'm saying."

"I don't believe you." Alex exclaimed loudly. Addison winched slightly at the obvious anger in his voice.

"I'm sorry." Addison whispered.

"Stop, just stop. I'm so sick of you apologizing."

"I understand if you completely hate me…" Addison started sadly.

"Hate you?" Alex asked, with an air of bewilderment. "If that what you want? For me to hate you? To scream at you? To say horrible things to you? I can't do that… and for the record… I don't want Izzie, I want you."

Addison felt her heart drop to the floor at his blatant admission. She felt her breath catch in her throat when he suddenly took a step towards her and took her face in his hands, and stared into her scared, troubled, and electrifyingly beautiful blue eyes. Addison felt completely helpless and vulnerable there because she knew he could read in her eyes that this was the last thing she wanted to do. She knew the way she looked at him; she couldn't help it.

"You and I work." Alex reasoned softly, as he nodded his head. "We both know that. Please don't walk away from me." Addison rested her hands gingerly on the inside of his elbows as his eyes continued to see past all her fears and reached her soul, reached the part that yearned for him. Addison felt the tears surface in her eyes, as his wouldn't leave them. "Just let me in." Alex whispered as his thumb lightly caught a tear that escaped from the corner of her eye. Addison couldn't even say anything if she tried, she was completely transfixed on him, every aspect of him; his face, his touch, his words, everything. Alex silently brought his lips to where the wiped tear and dropped and gently kissed her face. Addison felt a sob escape her throat as she realized she couldn't fight him anymore, she couldn't fight this anymore. She didn't want too. All she wanted was him. Alex adorned her face lightly with kisses as Addison's hands slid slowly up his arms and her fingers locked gingerly around his neck. Alex's lips landed on hers and she relished in the feeling of his mouth against her own. She kissed him back as she felt his body press against hers as he suddenly enveloped her in his arms. Addison felt herself clutching his shoulders as his lips worked in delicate sections over hers, slipping his tongue in to slowly massage hers. Alex couldn't believe how incredible she felt and how relieved he felt to be holding her, kissing her, touching her. This was all he ever wanted, besides being a terrific surgeon, of course. He pulled away suddenly and kissed her again slowly and softly. He pulled back gradually and stared at her, her eyes burning into his.

"I missed you." Alex breathed. Addison felt weak in the knees, she crushed his mouth with hers as she started in on his lips, gently kissing them and trying to pry them open. "Wait…" Alex's mouth muttered against hers. She shushed him as she continued in on his mouth, she was so eager to kiss him. He kissed her so completely and so intimately. "Wait, wait…" He muttered again. Addison reluctantly pulled away as Alex stared at her gorgeous face. For a moment he couldn't believe this was real.

Is this actually happening? Alex thought to himself as he rubbed the back of his hand sweetly and slowly down her face, taking every inch of it in with his eyes as the tip of his nose lightly grazed hers. She smiled at him as he brought his hand to the clip in her hair and took it out, her hair literally and smoothly cascading over her shoulders and down her back. Alex ran his hand through it gently as they continued their sensual eye dual. Alex traced her jaw with his finger as he dropped his eyes from hers to her lips, grasping her chin with his thumb and finger, he tipped her head up and lazily kissed her on the mouth. Addison matched his lips with a renewed deliberation, she felt his hands on the small of her back, slowly inching the bottom of her shirt up until he was touching her bare skin. Their mouths continued their frantic dance as Addison felt herself suddenly being guided backward and didn't realize where she was going until one of Alex's hands left her back quickly to reach out and prevent her back from slamming into the wall that they were nearing. Alex suddenly broke their kiss as he kissed along her jaw line and down her neck, he softly grazed his teeth against her neck, sending chills down her spine and making her gasp in surprise. Addison felt herself involuntarily push her jean covered hips against his, desperately wanting the friction their bodies were creating. Alex lovingly kissed his way down her neck as Addison tried to regain her breath from being left so breathless but with each passing touch and kiss, he left her more exhilarated than before. Alex sucked gently on the nape of her neck as he gathered the bottom of her shirt with his hands, and pulled in over her head in one quick upward motion. Addison stood, chest heaving, in a black lace bra as Alex paused completely stunned by her beauty. He couldn't even think of or fathom the words to say that would accurately describe what he was feeling in that moment. He couldn't believe this was really about to happen. He kissed her again fervently, as Addison's hands left his neck and slid down the contours of his chest, she felt his fingertips beneath the straps of her bra. He briefly left her mouth again as Addison let out a sound of disappointment, but was pleasantly surprised as he skillfully kissed the length of her shoulder, letting her bra strap fall as his fingers carefully unclasp it. Quickly discarding it to the side as his hands slid from her back to her front as he gently took her breasts in his hands, the palms of his hands making immediate contact with her nipples made her arch her back slightly, and inhale through clenched teeth. Addison could feel Alex's lower stomach muscles engage underneath her fingertips as she tugged on the T- shirt he was still wearing. This was driving her crazy, she needed to feel all of him, against her and in her at that very second, more than anything in the world, she needed that. Addison could feel his excitement against her leg, as he reached to the back of his neck and pulled his shirt off by the collar. The immediate contact of their bare skin against the others made butterflies jolt in her stomach as she kissed him again, she felt herself suddenly lifted by his arms as she continued to kiss him and strategically latched her legs around his waist, she wasn't concerned with anything but his lips against hers, his skin against hers. Alex held her tightly in his arms as he lowered both of them to the floor; there was virtually no way they would make it to his bedroom. He laid her gently on the floor as he continued kissing her mouth, his hands descending down her quivering stomach as he slowly unbuttoned her jeans, and slid them down her legs, her hips raising to aid him in his attempt, her jeans scrunched at the base of her shins, finally displaying her little black panties. His fingers nimbly slipped beneath them as he she gasped against his mouth, when his fingers found her warm, wet center her hips lifted involuntarily against his hand, as she moaned, her open mouth pausing over his. She felt her insides tingly at the explicit maneuvering of his fingers. She clenched her eyes shut as she felt as if all of her nerve endings were standing deliciously on edge. She slid her hands down his sides as she tugged on the top of his sweats. He used his free hand to slide her panties off of her and quickly leveled himself at her center before slowly inching his way inside her.

"Fuck..." Addison gasped as she felt him entering her. Alex felt for sure that he had never heard a dirtier word come out of her mouth, as he groaned at the thought. He kissed her slowly and expertly as he emphatically continued thrusting in and out of her, their breath mixed as they kissed and elevated into pants. Addison felt torturously and deviously suffocated as her whole body felt on fire at her impeding climax. "Oh my God…" She moaned as she felt it start so suddenly, ripping through her gut and descending to every inch of her body; she even felt her toes curling against the backs of his legs. She hadn't remembered ever climaxing that fast. The tremors in her body were settling as she continued to try to breathe as he stopped kissing her and stared into her eyes.

"You are out of a dream." He whispered to her as she tried to regain her breath, pushing her hips up to meet his. She didn't want what they were doing to ever end. For the very first time in a long time, Addison felt completely and totally alive.


	19. What Is It About Her?

Chapter 19: What Is It About Her?

Addison couldn't sleep. But not because she was tossing and turning or because she couldn't turn her mind off. No matter how hard she tried to will herself to let exhaustion take her, something stopped her. She couldn't sleep because she was so engulfed in pure elation. She opened her sleepy eyes slowly, and felt a small smile creep unto her face as she saw the subtle rise and fall of Alex's chest as he breathed. She was securely wrapped in the sheets of his bed, her body fit snuggly against his as her head lay on his shoulder and her nose against the side of his neck. She felt the tips of his fingers lightly grazing the back of her neck and the top of her shoulder, his fingers methodically catching strands of her hair and gently running through them. The soft beating of his heart and gentle caress of his fingers lulled Addison as her eyes began to close again. She had almost forgotten how wonderful it felt to be held so closely, so intently; it eased her bruised spirit to such a degree.

"Are you sleep?" Alex whispered softly.

"Mmm-mmm." Addison murmured, her eyes fluttering open and closing again. She gently eased her arm around his waist as she, in turn, felt his tighten around her seeming to bring her closer, as if that was even actually possible.

"Why not?" Alex questioned lightly as he continued staring at the ceiling as he began lazily tracing patterns on her neck and back with his fingers. "Are you okay?" Addison smiled to herself at his question.

"You know, if I had a dollar for every time you asked me that I'd be forced into retirement." She joked lightly.

"Well, we wouldn't want that." Alex replied, turning his face to lightly brush his lips against the side of her forehead. She felt chills run down her spine. It was always the very simplest things he did that caught her by surprise or made her heart feel like it would just leap out of her chest. He was so intimate with her, so sincere; it captivated her every sense. She was still trying to wrap her brain around how a gloriously mind-numbing ache still paralyzed every inch below her waist. She felt faint just briefly recalling how many times they had made love that night. It was a wonder they weren't both passed out from exhaustion. Addison almost couldn't believe her luck; an attractive, sincere, attentive, protective male with some seriously decapitating bed skills.

_And stamina to boot, _thought Addison as a sly smile crept onto her face. She relished at the mere sensation of their bare legs touching, she couldn't believe how utterly therapeutic laying there in his arms was. It felt like the safest of places. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt such an intricate emotional connection. It was as if with every passing second her awareness of the magnetic force between them, even in their stagnant positions, blew her mind.

"What are you thinking about?" Asked Alex lightly, shaking her from her thoughts filled with him.

"Right now?" Addison wondered as she slowly opened her eyes.

"Yeah, right now. I know what you were thinking about an hour ago." Alex teased as he lightly chuckled at his own joke. Addison felt the color in her cheeks rise.

"Ha ha, very funny," Addison replied as she lightly tapped his side with the back of her hand.

"No, I'm serious. What are you thinking about?" Alex wondered as he traced the ridge of her ear with his finger. He gently rubbed her earlobe when he reached it.

"If rubbing my ear is your new seduction tactic, I'm way too sore for any more extra curricular activities."

"Hmm, that oddly sounded like a compliment."

"Hmm, it was one." Addison whispered as she placed a gentle kiss on the side of his neck where her face was buried, feeling his arms tighten around her. Silence fell over them as they laid together in his bed. "I'm thinking about how much this changes things."

"Does it?" Alex questioned. Addison thought she may have heard him wrong, she rose her head and looked at him, trying to gage his seriousness. Their eyes met and he could see the confusion in her face.

"Are you being serious?" Addison questioned lightly. "Of course it does."

"It only does, if we decide it does." Alex replied as he ran his thumb over the side of her face. Addison's eyebrows furrowed at that explanation.

"That's such a male thing to say," Addison whispered slowly as she searched his eyes. "Contrary to what you've heard, sex changes everything and…" Addison paused momentarily mid sentence and diverted her eyes from his briefly.

"And?" Alex questioned after a moment, wanting her to finish what she was saying.

_And I'm scared to death. _Thought Addison to herself as she tried to think of something else to say. "It just…changes things." She finished simply. Alex sighed lightly as he idly played with a piece of her hair that rested on her shoulder.

"I know it does." Alex began lightly. "But has it set in yet?"

"What?"

"Has the fact that tonight changes things between us, set in yet?"

"Why? Why are you asking me that?"

"Because I feel like I'm anticipating you…pulling away." Alex replied slowly.

"Well I'm not going to," Addison relented calmly as she laid her head back on his shoulder, snuggling in closer to him and twisting the top of the sheets in her fist. He read her like an open book, it was unnerving. She wasn't, by any means, scared enough to let him go. She was, however, scared enough to feel the apprehension in her chest. There was nothing like mind-bending sex to put things into perspective, now all bets were off. She suddenly realized falling for him could possibly be the easiest thing in the world to do after tonight. She felt her pulse quicken at the mere thought. "This doesn't change how secretive about this we have to be."

"Secretive? Why?" Alex asked inquisitively.

"I'd just prefer the whole hospital not knowing our business."

"I doubt the whole hospital would find out."

"Are you kidding? Seattle Grace is like a poor excuse for a high school as far as gossip is concerned." Addison reasoned gently.

"What you meant to say was you don't want Derek and Mark to know." Alex countered.

"That's not true," Addison replied softly. "Besides, I think Mark does know. Not because I told him or anything but because he's insufferable and makes it his life's mission to butt his nose where it doesn't belong."

"Well what about Derek?" Alex asked carefully.

_I really, really, really don't want to talk about Derek right now. _She felt herself whine inside her subconscious. "What about him? It's none of his business. It's none of anybody's business but ours."

"Well, I agree with that." Alex replied easily, as a yawn crept up and surprised him.

"Good…" Addison began. "Aw, you're sleepy."

"Yeah, you wore me out." Alex kidded lightly. Addison gently pulled her head back suddenly and nudged his chin with her fingers, angling his face to look at hers. She felt a small smile creep onto her face as his eyes met hers. She lost the words she had meant to say at that moment. He had this unnerving ability to leave her speechless when she least expected it. "What?" Alex urged gently breaking the looming silence.

"Thank you for tonight." Addison whispered.

"Me?" Alex questioned, sounding surprised. He gently placed a soft kiss on her mouth. "Thank you for letting it happen."

Izzie Steven's felt like it was going to undoubtedly be one of those days where things just wouldn't work in her favor. Not even in the slightest bit. She had unequivocally ruined the last three hours she had been awake. She had woken up to the heaviness of her bladder, and in her sleep-filled haste she managed to stub her toe on the side of her dresser. The level of excruciating pain that had shot through her toe and then her foot was beyond extreme. To make matters worse, when she passed by Meredith's door she could clearly hear her crying. After they had shared a small talk, Izzie had decided to give her some space and leave her alone. And lastly, 15 minutes before she was going to walk out the door, she had spilled her tea all over the front of her shirt. Yeah, today just wasn't going to be her day. She stood absentmindedly shaking two packets of sugar she was getting ready to pour into the coffee she had just purchased when she heard someone beside her.

"Good morning, Dr. Stevens." Derek Shepherd offered as he reached for the sugar for his coffee. Izzie suddenly saw a flash of how she had found Meredith early that morning, in the fetal position crying her eyes out. She refrained from saying something eccentrically rude to him and didn't say anything. Derek, for a moment, thought that maybe she hadn't heard him. "I said 'Good Morning.'"

"I heard what you said." Izzie replied coolly as she brought her coffee up to her lips. She turned towards him to look him in the eye. "I just don't exchange pleasantries with men who cowardly avoid my friend."

Derek let out a frustrated sigh as he suddenly understood why she was being so standoffish. "I'm not avoiding her, Dr. Stevens."

"That's not what I heard."

"I just can't be around her," Derek lamented carefully. "I've made my decision, I know I've hurt her, and I'm sorry for that."

"Well, you wanna know something? I'd say that's pretty lousy. You're sorry? Where was your sympathy when you were screwing her behind your wife's back?"

"I made a mistake." Derek countered, trying to defend himself from her cutthroat allegations. "I know that."

"So what's Meredith supposed to do? She got one hell of the short end of the stick." Izzie stated harshly.

"I'm sorry I hurt your friend." Derek said sincerely. He was sorry, he was sorry that this mess of a life that he called himself living, was holistically all his fault.

"Not as sorry as she is." Izzie assured him.

"I'm a selfish man, I know that. I love my wife."

"But does she love you? I hear she's already moved on." Izzie countered bitterly.

"Addison will never move on from me. We were married for eleven years. She followed me to this hospital because she wanted to try and make things work."

"Maybe she's tired of trying." Izzie suggested.

"And maybe she's not." Derek replied sternly. "Either way, it's none of your business. I understand you feel compelled to protect your friend but Meredith and I are no longer involved and anything you have to say regarding my wife is completely unnecessary. Have a good day, Dr. Stevens." He finished as he quickly turned on his heels and walked away, leaving Izzie thoroughly convinced she had been right about the course of her day.

Mark Sloan rounded the corner in search of his intern. He spotted her intently writing in a chart. He approached her still form, her head was dipped from her assessment of the chart, her blond hair fell over her shoulders.

"I need these run through the lab." Mark said casually as he stopped once he had reached her side.

"Yeah, good luck with that." Izzie stated nonchalantly as she didn't even look up from the chart. Mark felt almost immediately put off by her tone, and how she seemed to be brushing him off. Something must have been bothering her.

"You know, you're usually good for some attitude but I never took you for being the openly defiant type."

"Yeah, well maybe you don't know me that well."

"What's the matter?" Mark asked suddenly.

"Nothing." Izzie replied quickly. Still working intently on the chart in her hand.

"I don't believe you." Mark said simply. "What's the matter?"

"You know what, I just don't get it." Izzie sighed in frustration as she quickly closed the chart and hastily clicked her pen and stuck it in the pocket of her coat.

"You don't get what?" Mark questioned, he could see the frustration and irritation all over her face and even in her body language.

"What is it about her?" Izzie asked as she carelessly ran her hand through her blond hair, the gloomy dejection in her voice was hard to miss. Mark suddenly realized what had her so upset.

"About Addison?" He asked.

"I just…it's like all the men in this hospital just fall all over themselves when it comes to her, and I thought Meredith was bad, she doesn't have anything on Addison Montgomery."

Mark chuckled at Izzie's obvious aversion. "Please don't tell me your jealous," Mark sighed, as he took the chart from her. "Jealousy doesn't look good on you."

"I am not jealous. I just don't get it. This little plan of ours better work because if I have to hear one more person pine over her, I am going to scream."

"Well, first off, please don't forget the fact that this little plan of ours was originally your idea…"

"Which you didn't object to."

"Secondly, it seems utterly preposterous to me that your insecurities are coming to a head because of Addison."

"What?" Izzie asked seemingly stunned. "I'm not insecure because of Addison."

"Sure you're not."

"I'm not."

"Sure."

"Alright, let's get something straight," Izzie started seriously, completely petrified at the direction their conversation was going. "I'm your intern and you're my attending, other than this little 'agreement' we have going on, that's it. You don't know me well enough to dissect my emotional complexities."

"I have this thing about beautiful women having ridiculously absurd insecurities; it makes me a little nauseous." Mark said seriously, "Don't feel sorry for yourself, you have no reason to." Izzie stood stunned, trying to formulate some sort of response to what he had just said.

_Did he just call me beautiful? _She thought to herself, strangely intrigued by that fact.

"Anyways, these labs, " Mark said evenly, changing the subject, as he handed them to her. "Need to be ran right away. Mr. Ramos's skin irregularities concern me. Come find me when they're done." He finished as he turned to walk away from her. Izzie stood perplexed as she watched his retreating form.


	20. Personal Vulnerability

Chapter 20: Personal Vulnerability

Alex Karev couldn't concentrate. No matter how hard he tried, no matter what else he tried to think about, all that kept entering his mind was her. Every aspect of her seemed to haunt his consciousness; her fiery red hair, her bright smile, her piercing eyes, the gentle touch of her hand, the nape of her neck, the taste of her mouth, the curve of her back underneath his hand. Everything. It was driving him crazy. It probably didn't help at all that Bailey had assigned him to the pit that day and that George got to be her intern. Alex knew it wasn't George's fault but every time he passed him in the hallway he was tempted to ask about his case, about Addison, about something that didn't have anything to do with the pit. He couldn't help feeling bitter as he ran labs on miscellaneous, uninteresting cases. The fact that he couldn't keep Addison out of his mind for more than 10 seconds, he felt certain that this was going to be a long, long day. He suddenly snapped out of his slight self-deprecation when he spotted her and George coming out of an exam room. He saw them talking briefly and waited for a moment before approaching. George nodded at Addison as he took the chart from her and scurried off in the opposite direction. Addison noticed Alex and waited for him to reach her before continuing in the direction she was headed, figuring he would fall in line beside her.

"He can't possibly be as good as me." Alex murmured lightly. Addison let out a slight giggle at his word choice.

"Good?" Addison questioned. "That's a very relative statement. How's the pit?"

"Dreadful, thanks for asking." He muttered. "How's O'Malley?"

"He's efficient and thorough, he's a good intern. He gets to scrub in on delivering triplets in less than an hour."

"Triplets?" Alex asked shocked. Addison felt a small smile creep onto her face at his reaction.

"Look at you, one day off baby bounding and you're missing it already."

"What I'm missing is getting to follow you around all day." Alex replied, under his breath. Addison glanced at him out of her peripheral vision, and she smiled again.

"Technically, you're following me right now."

"I can't help it."

"What are you doing tonight?" Addison asked lightly.

"Whatever you want."

Addison slowed her pace at the tone in his voice and quickly put up her hand, quickly surveying their surroundings to see who was around. "Careful," she warned gently, as she turned around to face him. "I was thinking maybe you could come over, we could order room service, watch movies…"

"I don't know how much actual watching of the movie will be going on." Alex kidded lightly, as he raised an eyebrow, as his eyes drifted over her face.

"Stop that!" Addison urged through clenched teeth, as her eyes widened.

"Stop what? Relax." Alex asked as he chuckled slightly at her obvious discomfort.

"Stop flirting with me." Addison urged lightly. "It's distracting."

"You're distracting." Alex stated matter-of-factly, as he crossed his arms in front of him.

"Fine. Whatever." Addison said, as threw up her hands in defeat; feeling somewhat flustered under his probing eyes. "So, is that a 'yes' to tonight?"

"Of course." Alex replied. "When have a ever said 'no' to you?"

Addison smirked as she pointed her finger at him momentarily. "And you better never start." She turned around quickly on her heels and walked away.

That woman is really something, Alex thought to himself as he smiled.

Addison tapped her heel rhythmically as she looked over a chart in between patients. She had this feeling that someone was watching her, yet it didn't bother her enough to look up and see who it was. There were way too many significant distractions in that hospital. It exhausted her to think about having to engage and disengage them all. She wrote in fluid lines across the sheet as she tried to concentrate on what was before her and not what was around her. Suddenly, she felt somewhat of a difference in that inkling that someone is glancing at you. She looked up and caught the eyes of Alex, who was approximately fifty feet away from her. She held his eye contact tentatively and raised her left eyebrow. She could see the sly curve of his mouth as a smirk settled. She quickly diverted her eyes from his as she sensed someone walking directly towards her. She saw Derek's face as he ascended in her direction, a look of confusion and distraction played on his face. She wondered if that look had to do with him seeing her and Alex gazing at each other or if this particular irritation was stemming from his own psychological making. She looked down at her chart again, as he stopped in front of her and didn't make an immediate move to speak.

"Go away." Addison said lightly, as she filled something into the bottom of the sheet she had been working on. When he didn't immediately respond she looked up at him to try and better assess what this encounter was about. "What?"

"You know, I went over this a lot in my mind. I tried to convince myself that you couldn't really do this." Derek started slowly and quietly, the sadness and uncertainty in his eyes was striking, she felt her heart leap suddenly as she was smacked in the face with it.

"What are you talking about?" Addison asked carefully as she continued surveying his face. He took a breath and diverted his eyes from hers and exhaled.

"You didn't go back to…to him? Tell me you didn't." Derek pleaded as his relatively shaky voice fell on her ears.

Back? Back to who? Addison thought to herself. He was acting so strange, he seemed almost beside himself.

"To Mark?" Addison asked surprised. "No, not that it's any of your business, Mark is just Mark. He and I are not back to anything."

"I just heard something." Derek explained.

"About Mark and I?" She questioned. She suddenly remembered Alex and looked over to where he had been standing, but he was gone. She frowned slightly as she looked back at Derek. "For a moment, I thought something was actually wrong with you."

"That's called concern for someone you love; I wish you'd let yourself acknowledge that you feel that." Derek breathed anxiously. Addison's face went blank at that verbal gab.

"Don't even go there Derek," Addison warned calmly. "I am still getting a divorce."

Derek's eyes became vacant as he searched hers. He didn't know how to make her understand that he needed her. He needed them to work. "So if it's not Mark, who is it?"

"No one." Addison lied quickly.

"You're lying." Derek countered plainly as he crossed his arms in front of him, his eyes continued their evaluation of hers. "I know it can't be that intern you let speak for you. You have too much pride to mess around with an intern."

"Oh, right. That type of pride you so clearly lacked." Addison shot back bluntly.

Derek rolled his eyes at that remark. "You're previous remarks regarding Meredith's age would seem quite hypocritical if you were-"

"Derek, just stop." Addison interrupted suddenly. "You need to just let this go. My personal life is mine. We are getting a divorce and there isn't anything you can do to change my mind."

"You always talked a good game," Derek replied, a bit of a smile creeping onto his face as he studied her. "But talk is cheap Addie."

"It sure is." Addison agreed with him aggressively. "So all this nonsense you've been spurting? It means nothing. I don't believe a word of it."

Addison gave him one last look of deviance and quickly brushed past him before he replied. Derek stood standing there, and silently closed his eyes, as his eardrums focused on the rhythmic tapping of her heels behind him as she walked away.

Mark sat drumming his pen on the chart in front of him. His mind was racing. He wasn't entirely sure what his next step would be in the little conspiracy that him and Izzie had formed. He had to be careful regarding his approach. Addison knew him very well, and if he went to her frivolously trying to slander Alex's name, she wouldn't buy it. She'd probably just tell him to shove it and stay out of her business. Classic Addison. He had to find a different way, a different angle. That angle hadn't revealed itself to him yet but he was holding out hope. He felt certain that Izzie would probably have more luck dealing with Alex than he would have dealing with Addison.

I guess blond hair and a great rack would give me an edge, too. He thought to himself, chuckling softly, as he absentmindedly looked around at his surroundings. His eyes landed on Izzie Stevens who was making her way towards him. He actually laughed out loud as she approached.

"What's so funny?" Izzie questioned, smiling brightly, something about his laugh was oddly contagious.

"You must have ESP or something." Mark replied, as he gave her a once over with his eyes.

"Oh, were you thinking about our wonderfully proficient scheme?" She asked, in a sing-song voice.

Something like that, he thought to himself. Mark noticed he was starting to find her vaguely refreshing and quite charming. "I've hit a bit of a plateau." He explained lightly.

"What do you mean?" Izzie questioned. He wasn't his usual irritatingly cocky self, he seemed displaced and confused.

"I don't know what to say to her. I'm sure you could break the two of them up all on your own."

"Nice try, there's no way your backing out of this one."

"Any angle I come at it, she's going to see right through me." Mark reasoned with Izzie gently. "She knows me too well."

"I don't believe that." Izzie replied lightly. "You're thinking about it too much. You're thinking short-term. You're not going to get her to have any revelations after your very first conversation. That's where being discreet comes in."

"Well, where do I start?"

"Just talk to her. Tell her you miss her conversation, tell her you want to be friend…"

"She doesn't want to be my friend." Mark interrupted firmly. "She's already told me that."

"Well, you two have history, and even if that history is stifling, it still exists. Don't play on your history but play off it. Don't mention all the chaos of your former relationship. You have to build a new one. Bottom line, she has to trust you. Or at least start to. Once you establish that, the rest will happen."

Mark was astounded with the ease at which she talked about this plan of theirs. She was so calm, so assured, so certain. It was almost unnerving. "You should write your own soap opera." He joked lightly. Izzie cracked a bit of a smile.

"You really loved her, didn't you?"

"Why do you ask that?" Mark wondered aloud, as he searched her face.

"She's your weak spot. Your own personal vulnerability."

"You know," Mark started, "You're very smart for an intern." He kidded. Izzie rolled her eyes and sighed.

"And you're an insufferable attending."

"Why thank you."

"Just remember, slow and steady wins the race. Trust comes first. The rest will follow. He'll come running to me, she'll go running to you…"

"Or to Derek." Mark muttered in frustration, as he put his hand on his forehead.

"Hey, that doesn't sound like a winning attitude." Izzie replied. "Besides, you've taken her from him before, haven't you?"

"That was before."

"And this is now." Izzie stated matter-of-factly. "Stop acting defeated, I'm not used to it."

"You're right, okay." Mark sighed as he gathered the chart that was in front of him in his hand.

"Okay." Izzie replied as she turned around to leave.

"Stevens…"

"Yeah," Izzie turned around at his beckoning.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

Alex shrugged his jacket on as he closed his locker. He was so relieved that his day at work was finally coming to a close. He couldn't wait to get to Addison's hotel room to see her. He had failed at his numerous attempts throughout the day of trying to keep her out of his head.

"I wish your good mood would rub off on me." Came a voice from the bench a few feet away. Alex looked to where the voice was coming from and say Meredith, sitting there stagnant; he hadn't even noticed her.

"What?" Alex asked, referring to what she had said.

"You're smiling." Meredith pointed out. Alex hadn't even noticed that he was, in fact, smiling to himself. He must have looked like a real nerd.

"Yeah, I'm just glad to be done for the day."

"Yeah, me too. Coming to work in the morning is probably my least favorite thing to do as of lately. I'm waiting for that to pass." Meredith droned.

"You have seemed a little down lately." Alex offered lightly as he approached her sitting form and sat down in the space next to her.

"Yeah, you've noticed?"

"Yeah, I have. Moopy Meredith isn't hard to miss." He kidded lightly.

"Ha ha, very funny. I wish I wasn't so depressed all the time, I know it gets old."

"Well what is it now?" Alex questioned. Meredith wasn't usually the air of sunshine and flowers but her sadness had been somewhat overwhelming as of late. He had heard Izzie and Cristina talking about it briefly before rounds but then had tuned out for lack of interest. He had figure that it was just Meredith being well… Meredith.

"I got played, again. For the second time. I don't know why I'm surprised."

"I told you he wasn't worth it, Mere." Alex offered lightly.

"Yeah, you did. I don't listen, I have to learn things the super hard way apparently."

"You'll find someone ten times better, I know it."

"I just… I should have never let that night at prom happen. You know?"

"Why did you?"

"Because I thought he was really making his final choice. I thought he was finally picking me. I guess when you don't get picked the first time, it should be a huge red flag. And that all makes sense in retrospect when I look back… but sitting right here…"

"It just sucks." Alex finished for her. His heart went out to his friend. He didn't know how many women had to be hurt because of Derek Shepard's inflated ego and his monstrous pride. Meredith nodded her head sadly.

"So he went back to his wife, which doesn't surprise me in the least bit because she is painstakingly gorgeous…"

"That doesn't mean she took him back." Alex said carefully.

"What do you mean?" Meredith asked, confused.

"Just because he went back to her with his tail in between his legs and groveled, doesn't mean she took him back."

"Well, that's how he made it sound."

"How?" Alex asked curiously.

"When he broke it off with me, the one thing he kept saying was how much he loved his wife. And how I could never replace her in his heart. He seemed set on being with her, and I can't see why she'd object, ya know? I mean, she came to Seattle for him."

Alex didn't say anything as Meredith's words sank in. He saw a flash on the encounter between Derek and Addison earlier that die and it turned his stomach in knots. He tried to tell himself that Meredith didn't know the whole story, that there was a reason why Addison wouldn't go back to Derek, and that that reason was him. But something in his gut left him feeling uneasy. He couldn't really put his finger on it and wasn't sure what it came from but this conversation regarding the two of them left him feeling unsettled and uncomfortable.

"You'll be okay Meredith." Alex said gently, as he cleared his throat and tried to clear the swarming thoughts that were diving into his head. Meredith frowned lightly and nodded her head.

"I know." She exclaimed as she slowly stood. "Have a good night, Alex."

"Yeah, you too."


	21. Comfortable

**Chapter 21: Comfortable**

Addison walked out of the bathroom , running a towel through her just showered-hair as she thought about the many good things about suites in hotels; not just the… being able to afford them aspect; just the good old room service, and someone who makes your bed and does your dry cleaning satisfaction. Terrific, these amenities, in and of themselves, these conveniences were really helping her cope. Cable and pay-per-view, really nice showers, a mini bar, and a closet that's actually functional. She had become accustomed to the hotel, plus she didn't really have a home, she could always get a place, yes…but what was the rush, she liked her situation at the hotel. She sat on the floor at the base of her closet as she crossed her legs and tied her white bathrobe securely around her, she pulled out a peach lace underwear set from her undies shelf above her and put it off to the side.

_What to wear? _Addison thought to herself, as she sorted through some things in her shelve and in the suitcase at the bottom. She didn't want to seem like she was trying too hard, it wasn't the workplace attire, she could be more laidback. She unfolded and refolded shirts, jeans, skirts, sweats, shorts, sweaters, tunics, yoga pants, sweatshirts. She decided on a long gray tank, and oversized off-the shoulder black sweater with extra long sleeves and white shorts. She went back into the bathroom to quickly lazily blow dray her hair, touch-up- pluck her eyebrows, put on some blush, some chap stick and a tad of eyeliner. She ran her brush through her drying hair and looked at herself in the mirror as she smiled. She actual felt little butterflies in her stomach as she anticipated him knocking on her door. They couldn't really conventionally date, as in go out, that's hard to suffice when you don't want to run into people you work with. So this was what they did. She'd been at his apartment and he'd been in her hotel room, other than the hospital and Joe's, that was it. But that made it different, not clichéd, they were trying to keep it private, keep it their own. She knew that the connection was what mattered, not where it was established and flourished.

Addison walked out of her bathroom and as she hummed the Norah Jones that was playing in the background of her room. She heard the light knock at her door as she clasped her hands together and walked over to it. She opened it and saw Alex standing on the other side, a smile crept unto her lips as she saw his eyes light up when they focused on hers. She opened it wider so he could walk in and he did so slowly as he briefly took his eyes off hers to engage the sight of the rest of her. He felt his heart beat faster as he saw her long bare legs were extending from shorts. Very short shorts.

_Damn, they really do go on forever. _He thought to himself as his eyes traveled up her body and met hers again. She closed the door and took a step towards him.

"Hi," She offered simply as she glanced over what he was wearing. "Let me take your jacket." She said as she touched his wrist. Alex didn't even hear her, he was too busy getting lost in her piercing eyes. When he didn't respond or move to take off his jacket she opened her mouth to repeat herself but was cut-off as he quickly closed the space between them as his hand touched her face, his mouth crushing hers. She hadn't anticipated him kissing her so suddenly and it caught her off guard, making her breath catch in her throat. She felt his other arm encircle her waist, pulling her closer to him. He kissed her slowly, methodically moving his mouth over hers. Catching her bottom lip gently with his teeth. Addison felt herself going weak in the knees and leveled her hands onto his shoulders, her fingers digging into the fabric of his jacket. Alex pulled back slowly and quickly placed another kiss on her surprised, open mouth. He pulled back again and looked at her, his hand grazing the side of her face as he absorbed her beauty. She had such an authentic look of wonder in her eyes. It stung him, he almost couldn't find his voice.

"I've been wanting to do that all day long." Alex confessed. Addison smiled, as she looked down briefly at the floor and took a breath.

"We have to do something about that," Addison pondered thoughtfully, looking back up at him. The way he was lovingly touching her face was making her insides turn. "Starting my day off like that way could only be a good thing." She said searching his eyes as her hands traveled slowly down his shoulders, her fingers slipping underneath the front of his open jacket. "Let me take your jacket." She repeated softly, opening both sides of the front of his jacket as she slipped it off his shoulders. Alex watched her do so, unmoving as his eyes ran over her face, he took a breath and recognized the faint smell of her perfume, his eyes ran over the angle of her nose, the line of her jaw and fell back on her mouth. Addison angled away from him briefly and set the jacket over a chair near where they were standing. "We need a system." Addison stated as she looked back at him, she felt goose bumps scatter on her arms from the look he was giving her. Like he completely adored her, and would do just about anything for her. She felt butterflies flutter in her stomach as she tugged the sides of her sleeves with her fingers. Alex reached his hand out and took hold of her fingers, tugging them lightly to better latch onto them.

"I hear a lot about systems with you." He assessed softly.

"That's because they're effective." Addison said as she stared into his eyes, trying to resist the urge to gawk at his precious mouth. The feel of his fingers gripping hers so softly didn't help the constant flutter in her gut, it proved to heighten them.

"Well, this one needs to be. " Alex said assuredly as their eyes continued to battle. Addison felt her throat become dry and she quickly swallowed. Her eyes diverted from his momentarily, their eye dual had proved to be much too consuming for her; she could feel her pulse raising. All they were doing was standing a few inches apart, and he was holding one of her hands and she could feel her knees slight tremble.

"What's wrong?" Alex asked after a moment of silence had passed and her eyes hadn't returned to his. His eyes tried to catch hers but he could see she was obviously trying to gather her thoughts. Addison tried to compose to rush of feelings that had just surfaced so quickly. She had literally just been smacked in the face with it. Addison suddenly took a deep breath and looked back at him.

"My hearts beating really fast." She murmured under her breath as she brought their hands up to her chest and flattened his palm over her heart. Alex wondered instantly if something was wrong. His other hand went quickly to her neck, his two fingers landing exactly on the pulse point. His eyebrows furrowed in concern as he looked into her eyes.

"You're alright, take a deep breath." Alex whispered. Addison smiled at his gentle concern. He probably thought she was starting to have a panic attack or going to start to hyperventilate.

"I'm fine, Dr." Addison joked lightly, as she slid her arms around his neck slowly and pulled him onto her. His arms went around her waist and cradled her small frame. Her hair was in his face and it smelled amazing. Everything about her, he realized was the epitome of intoxication. She was like a drug. He had to have her. "I'm glad you're here." Addison whispered as they continued to hug. Just the feelings of their bodies pressed together made them cling more to each other.

"I'm glad I'm here." Alex replied. His voice muffled from her hair. He slid his hands up her back and gathered it in one hand and twisted it over her shoulder, exposing her neck to him. His eyes trailed down it and over the light strap of her tank top. He leaned forward gently and placed a kiss at the base of her neck. Slowly adorning the section of her neck with his lips, her breath became heavier as her fingers ran over his sides. She whimpered lightly as his teeth nipped her ear, leaving a gentle kiss on it afterwards. Alex kissed across her cheek until her reached her mouth and kissed her gently. His lips tracing patterns on her mouth, his tongue in search of hers. Addison kissed him back with renewed vigor. They were clinging to each other tightly as their mouths dueled. Alex's fingers got lost in her hair, running his hands through it, as he felt it's genuine softness. Addison took her hands off him momentarily to pull at the bottom of her sweater, she broke their kiss as she threw it off her and kissed him again. Addison wrapped her arms around his neck and he held onto her waist as they fumbled their way towards the bed. Addison's hands reached Alex's jeans and her fingers struggled with the button, she ran her hands up the front of his shirt, feeling his stomach muscles react as he gasped against her mouth. They fell onto the bed, her landing on top of him, her legs straddled his, the immediate friction she felt in her shorts made her grip the bed and moan. Addison felt one of Alex's hands leave her as he tugged on his opened jeans and his boxers. His hand bumped the outside of her leg and he couldn't help running his hand over the length of it. She surpassed everything he ever fantasized about; she wrote the book on sexy. Addison's breath caught as she suddenly got turned over, and felt Alex's weight secure over her. She kissed him deeply as he used his knees, elbows and hands to keep some of his weight off of her as he quickly took his shirt my the back of his collar and pulled it off. Addison tried desperately to catch her breath, his mouth met hers as soon as the shirt was over his head. Her warm skin felt surreal against his, she ached for him. Addison's fingered nimbly unhooked her shorts, lifting her hips to slide them and her panties off. She felt him against her as his hands gripped her bare waist, her tank riding up, his fingers leaving gentle caress's over her skin. She felt the heat in between her legs as she broke their kiss to look into his eyes, she felt his hand slide over her stomach, waist and then the top of her thigh. Addison gasped as she felt him enter her, her hips responding involuntarily as she grabbed the back of his neck and deepened their kiss. Her body erupted at his strong consistent thrusts. Alex felt the muscles in his body tensing up as they continued making love on the bed, both gasping for breath, in the deepest of pleasures.

Addison snuggled in closer to him, as she adjusted the sheet that was around her. Alex and her were literally tangled up in each other and in the blankets and sheets on her huge bed. Alex ran his hands over her arm as he felt her every inch against him. With his eyes closed, he lay their with her in silence. He felt the light tapping of her fingertips against his chest, he could feel her heart beating against him.

"I'm hungry." She murmured against his neck. Alex felt himself chuckle slightly. A smile crept onto Addison's face. "What?" I'm hungry. Are you hungry?" She questioned as she kissed the side of his neck.

"I'm starved." Alex muttered as he traced a circle on her bare back with his finger.

"Let's order room service." Addison said. "What do you want?"

"I've got what I want right here." He replied seriously.

"From room service?"

"I dunno. What's good?"

"Anything breakfast." Addison answered as she opening her eyes briefly, then closing them again. She didn't want to move an inch, this afterglow was divine. "Their waffles, the French toast, eggs, steak and eggs, the fruit. Everything breakfast is amazing. "

"What are you gonna get?" He asked sleepily.

"French toast and fruit." Addison affirmed matter-a-factly.

"That sounds good. I want that or steak and eggs."

"How about you get the steak and eggs and you can have some of my French toast?"

"You're gonna share?" He teased as he brushed the hair across her forehead.

"Sharing with you is fun." She said simply as she leaned her head back and placed a kiss on his lips. She let go of him and turned over to the other side of the bed, grabbing the phone from the bed stand. Alex moved closer to her as he placed a kiss on her shoulder as she dialed room service. He couldn't believe how lucky he had gotten with her, it was hard for him to even fathom that two months ago she was his daily irritant. Now, she was everything but that. He was constantly surprised at how deeply he was starting to feel for her. It scared him. Took his breath away. He watched as she put in their order for room service, calling the person on the other line by their first name. She hang up the phone and turned back into him, wrapping her arms around him as she rested her head on his chest. His arm went around her and his hand rested on the side of her head.

"So this whole hotel thing is working out for you?" Alex questioned lightly.

"Yeah, it has a lot of conveniences."

"But it's not like you can stay here forever." He reasoned lightly.

"I realize that. But what's my rush? I'm comfortable here. Here, I don't have to do my own laundry, cook my own meals or make my own bed. I was going to start looking for places but that just takes time and energy. Which I don't really have much of, work takes all my time and you take all my energy." She kidded as she giggled lightly. Alex felt a faint smile creep onto his lips at what she had said, but his mind wouldn't let go of how integrated she seemed in that hotel. How attached and set in. It made him remember the conversation he had had earlier that day with Meredith. Maybe she didn't want to rush getting a new place because she was waiting for something. Maybe she wasn't sure she even really wanted a new place, not if she was going to just go back to him eventually. Alex felt twinges around his heart just thinking about it.

_Knock it off, dude. _He thought to himself. _She's not going back to him._

Addison pulled back her face from his chest and looked at him, wondering what the cause was for the abundant silence that had just surfaced. He didn't even notice her staring at him for another few seconds until he snapped out of his thoughts and looked at her. She searched his eyes silently and smiled lightly as the expression on his face softened.

"Where were you?" Addison wondered softly.

"I'm right here." Alex assured her as he ran his hand down her face.

"You weren't a few seconds ago." Addison replied firmly. "What were you working out in your head?"

"How I got so lucky." Alex answered quickly.

"I'm the one who is lucky." Addison assessed gently. "You decided I was worth revealing apart of yourself I hadn't been privileged enough to know. I'm just grateful you did."

"It blows my mind that you don't understand how special you are."

"You make me feel it when I'm around you." Addison assured him as they continued gazing at each other from their laying positions. Addison leaned over and placed a quick kiss on his mouth. Silently thanking her lucky stars that she had given into him. She hadn't felt this safe, this good, this protected in eons.

"Okay, favorite color?" Addison asked as she sat, legs crossed sitting in front of Alex's spread out ones, he leaned against the row of pillows at the base of the bed frame. His face looked complacent as he thought of the answer to that question.

"Black."

"That's not a color."

"Sure it is." He reasoned.

"Were you one of the goth kids?" Addison asked seriously. Alex laughed a little.

"No, I've just always liked black. What about you? What's your favorite color?" Alex questioned as he admired the way her hair fell over her shoulders, the ends curling against her shoulders, the contrast against her skin and the black sweater she had put back on were mildly distracting.

"I have a lot of favorite colors." Addison lamented.

"Okay then, name three." Alex suggested.

"Turquoise, lavender and yellow." Addison listed matter-a-factly. "Favorite movie?"

"All the Godfather's." Alex answered, that had been easy. "You?"

"I'll show my age if I say." Addison said bluntly.

"Oh, please." Alex sighed as he rolled his eyes. "Tell me."

"Breakfast at Tiffany's. I love Audrey Hepburn. She was a class act." Addison said, as she pulled her knees into her chest and smiled at him. "Favorite sport?"

"Football." Alex answered without hesitation. "Do you even like sports? I wouldn't take you as a sporty kind of girl."

Addison scoffed at this suggestion that he hadn't found her to be particularly athletic. "I will have you know that I used to play volleyball and tennis."

"Really?" Alex asked inquisitively.

"Really, really." Addison affirmed. "Coke or Pepsi?"

"Neither, Dr. Pepper."

"Oh, good answer. Dr. Pepper is better than both of them." Addison agreed. "Favorite cereal?"

"Oh that's an easy one, Cinnamon Toast Crunch."

"I love old fashioned corn flakes."

"The sugary ones are the best." Alex replied.

"Favorite month?" Addison asked.

"I never really thought about it." Alex pondered, as his eyebrows furrowed. He glanced at her with a look of confusion on his face. "You have a favorite month?"

"I sure do. August."

"Why? Is that your birthday month?" Alex wondered.

"No, it's because it's the end of summer and the beginning of fall. It means the trees are about to change and the cold air is coming. Falls and winters are the best."

"Oh, see I like the summertime."

"There's just something about cold air that I love. I love it against my face, in my lungs. It's purifying and freeing. It kind of washes over you." Addison explained.

"I've never heard somebody describe it that way."

"Yeah,'" Addison sighed as she ran her hand loosely through her hair. "Winters are the best."

"So the rain doesn't bother you?"

"No, I love the rain." Addison admitted. "I love the way the earth smells after it rains. Like the air is cleansed and renewed. Everything's fresher, you can actually smell the trees and flowers in the air."

Alex smiled at her description as he thought of the other many things about her that he still didn't know. Even in her closeness, she was still one of the biggest mysteries he had ever encountered. Every layer of her made him what to unravel the next. He never wanted to be away from her. He never wanted to miss her again. As he looked at her face from across the bed, he suddenly realized the last thing he had expected to start feeling: he was feeling.

He was falling in love with her.


	22. Game On

Chapter 22: Game On

Alex woke from the depths of his sleep suddenly with a jerk. His eyes fought to stay open as they tried to adjust to the darkness of the room. He looked to the side of him and saw the outline of Addison's body next to him. He could hear the even keel of her deep breathing in her slumber. Alex took a deep breath as his mind started to race. He stared at the ceiling as he brought his hand to his face and lightly rubbed his temples before shading his eyes with his hand. He silently cursed himself for letting this rule his subconscious. Ever since he had had the realization that he was falling in love with Addison; it was all he thought about. For the past three days it had been wracking his brain most moments and it probably didn't help that they had been literally attached at the hip for those past three days. At work, and then at her place after work or his. They had been almost inseparable lately, and he knew that was probably only intensifying what he was feeling. Alex couldn't remember the last time he was actually in love with a woman. He'd been in lust with plenty and even felt a sense of love for some others. But the actuality of being in love with someone was new to him. So he wasn't sure if what he was feeling even constituted falling in love. But he had a sneaky suspicion that it did and he hadn't the first clue what to do. There was no way he could tell her. Telling her would probably make her run for the hills and he couldn't bear the thought of her pushing him away again. He knew he had to leave his mouth shut when it came to this. He couldn't believe how great it had been with her the past few days. Everything: the talks, the laughs, the meals together, the sex. Yeah, the sex was nothing short of inconceivable divinity. He had been sexually compatible to most of the women he had ever bedded, but with Addison it was completely different. It was utterly harmonious. They so easily fit into the gaps and voids of the other. To say that their sex was thrilling wouldn't even begin to cover the scope of it's actuality. Alex had lost count of how many times they had done it; each time supremely better than the last, even though he hadn't fathomed that even being possible. Even the moments that they shared after sex completely blew his mind, their intimacy was escalating with each passing moment. So these feelings he was having were beyond petrifying. He was beyond scared. He couldn't help but think that what was going on between them was too good to be true. He felt Addison stir beside him quietly as he looked over at the clock beside the bed for the first time. It read 4:35. His eyes fell back on Addison and he saw her eyes fluttering open as she noticed he was awake.

"Hey," Addison whispered, as she straightened her legs across the length of the bed.

"Hi." Alex replied as he gently moved a piece of hair that was in her face, he felt a smile play on his lips as he looked at her.

"It's so early, why are you awake?" Addison asked quietly.

"I don't know," Alex began softly. "I just woke up. Sorry if I woke you."

"Oh, your thoughts did."

"What?" Alex asked with a noticeable air of surprise on his voice. Addison caught it and surveyed his face quickly.

"It was a joke." Addison explained lightly. She was almost surprised at the change of expression on his face from her last statement. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just didn't get it." Alex explained.

"Well you were lying here wide awake so you were obviously thinking about something. Wanna talk about it?" Addison asked as her hand found his and her fingers slipped between his.

"Nah, it's nothing." Alex assured her as he put his other arm around her and pulled her closer to him. "I was just thinking that I have to go home before I go to the hospital this morning."

"Really? Do you?" Addison asked as she lay on his chest.

"Yeah, I do." Alex whispered in her hair. He quickly left a gentle kiss on her bare shoulder. "Why don't you go back to sleep and I'll see you in a couple of hours?"

"Okay."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Alex slid quietly out of bed and Addison pulled up the covers around her, as she felt his warmth leave. He quickly threw on his clothes that were on the floor near her bed. He sat on the edge of the bed as he put on his shoes, got up to get his keys from the night stand and glanced over at her laying from, curled up in the center of the bed. Her eyes were closed and for a moment he was stuck staring. She looked so peaceful, so beautiful, so perfect. He could feel his heart leap at the sight of her. He leaned down over her slowly, as he smoothed over her hair gently with his hand and left a small kiss on her forehead. With that Alex straightened and made his way to the door, leaving Addison in peace to catch some more sleep.

Izzie Stevens walked back into the locker room after forgetting her phone in her purse. She opened her locker quickly and dug through her purse until she felt it. She heard someone walk in and looked up to see Alex. Looking somewhat sleep- deprived and clearly caught up in his thoughts. Izzie closed her locker and walked over closer to him.

"Hey, how's it going?" Izzie asked somewhat tentatively as she approached him. Alex looked over at her in surprise. As if he hadn't even realized she was in the locker room to begin with.

"It's going." Alex answered unenthusiastically.

"You okay?" Izzie inquired gently.

"Yeah. Don't I look okay?" He questioned.

"Yeah, you do. Maybe just a little tired. Late night last night?"

"No, not entirely." Alex lied evenly.

"So, Meredith and I were talking this morning about having a game night at the house tonight. It'll be fun. I'm cooking dinner, we're gonna get drunk and meander our way through board games the best we can. You should come."

"Ah, yeah… uh, Iz that sounds really nice but…"

"But you have other plans?" Izzie finished for him. Feeling that familiar sting of jealousy that was beginning to creep up.

"Yeah, but maybe some other time." Alex offered as he saw the expression on her face change.

"So why don't you just break them." Izzie stated more than she questioned, as she shrugged her shoulders when his face changed at her suggestion.

"Look…"

"No, you look," Izzie cut him off before he could even finish. "When's the last time we all did something together that was fun, and not so serious?"

Alex stood silent as he weighed the validity of her words. She did have a point, it had been some time since they'd all just hung out at Meredith's and didn't have to worry about anything work related.

"Okay, I'll answer that for you, it's been a long time." Izzie persisted.

"I know," Alex replied. "You're right."

"So… is that a yes?" Izzie questioned, smiling slightly for she was convinced he was about to give in.

"Izzie, I'm sorry, I really can't tonight."

Izzie rolled her eyes in frustration and crossed her arms in front of her.

"You mean, you won't," Izzie replied, her voice laced with obvious resentment. "I never took you for the whipped type."

"Izz-"

"You know what, Alex?" Izzie started, lowering her voice. "Don't "Izzie" me. Why are you letting her do this to you?"

"Do what to me?" Alex questioned, feeling his need to protect Addison jolt within him. He had to push it down substantially. "What's your issue with her, anyways?"

"She's taking you away from your friends, for one." Izzie declared whole heartedly.

Alex actually chuckled at this.

"It's not funny."

"It kind of is, Iz. Taking me away from you guys? I see you every day." Alex declared as he sat down to tie his shoes.

"When's the last time you ate lunch with us?" Izzie questioned, trying to prove a point. When Alex thought about the answer to the question he realized it had been awhile.

"I don't know. Sometime last week?"

"Right, last week. What happened to use all eating together every day?"

"Fine, I'll eat lunch with you guys today."

"Ugh, that's not the point." Izzie whined. "You're trying to appease me with little effort."

"I'm glad you're starting to catch on." Alex joked. Almost immediately hating himself for the joke when he looked up and saw the look on her face. She looked crushed.

"Not funny." Izzie declared as she started tapping her foot to channel her growing frustration.

"Look, I'm sorry but this whole you hating Addison thing is ridiculous. I'm sorry you don't like her…"

"It's not that I don't like her, it's just that I know what she's doing. It's obvious, I can see it and I don't want you to get hurt."

"You're concern is touching, Izzie. But I'm a big boy. I know what I'm doing."

"Fine, whatever." Izzie exclaimed, throwing up her hands in defeat. She turned around and started for the door, as she reached it she added bitterly. "Have a great night."

Izzie couldn't believe it. Alex really was sucked further into the web of Addison than she had previously thought. Addison had him so tightly wrapped around her finger, Izzie hadn't the slightest clue how he even managed to breath. Her plan for the night had been completely shot to shit and she had just blown whatever chance she had had of changing his mind.

"What's the matter?" asked a voice from beside her, shaking her from her thoughts. She looked to her side and saw Mark eyeing her curiously.

"I'm irritated." Izzie let on simply.

"Yeah, I can see that. Why, though? What happened?" Mark questioned as he surveyed her face.

"I think this whole thing might be slightly more difficult than I had anticipated."

"Okay, we already had this discussion, you can't back out."

"I think I over estimated my ability of persuasion."

"Oh, I doubt that. What happened?"

"We're having this thing at Meredith's tonight and I was going to drop the bomb about the papers, but of course he has plans with your girlfriend tonight so he isn't even coming."

"So what does that have to do with you telling him about the papers?" Mark questioned. "You can still do that."

"I don't know."

"Go to him as a concerned friend. He trusts you. He'll believe you." Mark insisted. "Didn't you tell me all this when I was the one feeling defeated?"

"Yeah, I guess I did." Izzie sighed as she shrugged her shoulders, and bowed her head.

"Hey, look at me."

Izzie lifted her head and meet his eyes. He looked back at her with an odd hint of encouragement on his face.

"It's not gonna happen all at once. Isn't that what you told me?"

"Yeah, it is."

"Don't be defeated."

"You're right."

"No, you are. You said it first." Mark reasoned as he flashed her his signature smile and brushed past her.

_Don't be defeated. _Izzie thought to herself.

Izzie decided that Mark was right. She was in control of the situation, she could tell Alex about the papers anytime she wanted to. It didn't have to be at her house after her stomach ached from drunken laughter at everyone's best attempt at board games. It could be whenever, wherever. As if a light had just come on, she saw Alex turning the corner headed for the doors, he looked to be on his way to leave for the night.

"Alex, wait up." Izzie called to him as she quickened her pace to reach him.

"Hey, what's up?" Alex replied as he saw her nearing him.

"I uh, can I talk to you for a second?" Izzie questioned.

"Yeah, what's going on? You look upset. What's wrong?" Alex asked suspiciously as he saw what looked like anguish on her face.

"The reason why I might seem over-the-top about this whole you and Addison thing is not because I'm jealous or anything like that."

"Then what is it?"

"I think I know something you don't." Izzie inferred.

"About Addison?"

"Something to do with her."

"Really, Izzie you've got to stop this." Alex pleaded with her. "You really think they're something about her that you know and I don't."

"I know there is." Izzie replied faking a sense of sadness in her voice.

"I doubt it." Alex exclaimed as he took a steadying breath.

"She's not divorcing Derek." Izzie stated.

"What? Of course she is." Alex countered.

"No, she's not." Izzie urged strongly. "He hasn't signed any divorce papers, and neither has she."

"What?" Alex exclaimed surprised. The astounded look on his face almost broke her heart.

"Yeah, they haven't signed papers."

"You're lying." Alex reasoned aloud.

"I'm not. I'm not lying about this. I couldn't lie about something like this." Izzie replied softly. "She's using you Alex. She's going to go back to her husband."

Alex stood stunned, his head felt like it was spinning. His body felt like it didn't belong to him, he felt as if he was having a really bad dream that he wanted desperately to wake from. There was no way that this was actually happening. Alex shook his head, as he turned swiftly on his heels, and walked away. He was so consumed in his own deprivation of thought that he didn't even hear her calling after him.

_The shit just hit the fan, _Izzie thought to herself as she watched his retreating form. _Game on._


	23. Somebody Already Broke My Heart

Chapter 23: Somebody Already Broke My Heart

Alex's mind was on autopilot. He couldn't think straight for more than five minutes. All his thoughts went straight back to what Izzie had told him. He felt cold and angry inside one minute. He felt doubtful and insecure the next. He couldn't wrap his mind around if it was true and the possibility of Addison hiding something of such magnitude from him seemed unfathomable. He had even referenced her being in the process of getting a divorce in conversation and he had been given no indication that she was no longer going through with it. He couldn't believe have racked with emotions he was. He almost felt like he was going out of his mind. He had went home in a rush, not remembering how he even managed to drive safely to his apartment when he turned off the car after parking it. He had went inside, sat down for a total of five seconds before getting up to pace the length of his apartment seven times over. He was a mess. Now he sat back in his car, drumming his finger against the steering wheel as his mind raced. Feeling such a variety and mix of emotions that ranged from doubt, uncertainty, betrayal, insignificance, and dread. Had she really been lying to him this whole time? Had she really been keeping this from him? He absolutely didn't put it past the indecisive likes of Derek to refuse to sign the divorce papers but Addison? He had felt certain that she was done fighting for something that had been so tarnished, that had been so broken. He had believed that she was over going round for round with Derek and that she now really wanted something unique and amazing with himself. But maybe he was wrong, maybe she really was just using him.

No, she's not using me. She can't be using me. Alex told himself angrily. He refused to believe that everything they had shared over the past month had been anything short of the beginning of an intense and overwhelmingly real bond. But Izzie had seemed so certain. There was always a possibility she could be wrong but something about the way she had told him made him feel like she was telling the truth. He couldn't stand the thought of it. The thought that he'd been spending hours upon hours with this woman who he was beginning to adore so desperately and that she may be hiding the fact that she WASN'T getting a divorce from her husband seemed like something out of a bad movie. It made his skin crawl and his mouth go dry.

This can't be happening. Alex thought to himself disparagingly as he glanced over at his phone that was sitting in the passenger seat next to him. Addison had called him twice in the past 45 minutes and he hadn't picked up either time. He had no idea what to say to her, he was so confused. He knew he would have to face her eventually but he hadn't the slightest clue where to begin. He was such a mix of things, he couldn't even really get his bearings. He felt a twinge of guilt for not answering her calls which was followed by an immediate desire to hear her voice. He wanted to talk with her so badly. He wanted to believe that there was a viable reason for why she would keep this from him. Why she would purposely withhold this information. She couldn't be doing it for selfish reasons. He knew she felt things for him. She had to. They weren't a lie; they couldn't be a lie. He needed her. He hated the sense of feeling like he was standing her up, he knew she was calling because he was supposed to have been at her hotel almost an hour ago. But he didn't know if he was truly ready to face her. He was so doubtful, so uncertain, so lost. Before he had time to change his mind, Alex put his keys in the ignition, started his car and pulled out of the parking space and headed towards the hotel.

Addison silently cursed herself for the way she was absentmindedly staring at her blackberry, hoping that it would ring and Alex would be on the other end. She felt so silly for sitting there in her empty hotel room waiting for him to call her. Something had obviously come up, he'd never been late to come and see her. He'd never not answered his cell when she called him. Something serious had obviously come up. She felt a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. Something wasn't right.

Stop overreacting, you're going to worry yourself sick. Addison thought to herself, sighing pitifully as she pressed her temples with her slender fingers. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, silently willing herself to stop staring at the phone. She ran both hands carelessly through her hair as she felt a chill run through her tired body. She started thinking about the amount of time that they had been spending together and it calmed her to a degree. She felt such peace of mind when she was around him. They had shared some remarkable moments together and it had done nothing for her feelings for him but strengthen them to the nth degree.

Maybe he's feeling suffocated. She thought to herself calmly. Maybe this is all too new and intense for him. Maybe he wants to take things a little slower. She reasoned with herself as she rested her chin in the palm of her hand, her legs were crossed and her elbow lay propped on her knee. A soft knock on the door shook her from her thoughts. She felt an almost immediate sense of relief as she slowly got off the bed and took a deep breath. Addison felt a smile spread across her face as she opened the door. The moment her eyes reached his face, her smile started to dissipate. The look on his face was somewhat almost unrecognizable. She felt something develop in her throat as she tried to rid her face of it's expression as she stepped back to open the door wider.

"Hey," Addison offered tentatively as she noticed his eyes wouldn't meet hers at all as he slowly walked in. She saw the tension in his shoulders, even the way he walked by her made every instinct warn her that something was wrong. He was either upset, angry, devastated or any other range of emotions that leaves you in the pureness self-deprecation. She noticed that he didn't respond to her greeting and hadn't even turned around to look at her. "Are you hungry? We-"

"I'm not hungry." He cut her off plainly. There was no real inflection in his voice. She couldn't tell what was the matter with him. But it scared her. She stared at his back for a few more moments before walking closer to him. She felt tentative doing so because she felt like he was so overtly closed off.

What did I do? Addison thought to herself as she stopped a few feet away from him. Alex could feel the heat of her body as she got closer. He turned around quickly, angling his body away from her slightly and looked her in the face for the first time. Addison saw the tightness in his jaw, the way the side of his mouth would delicately slant. She was struck with the sadness in his eyes, it reminded her of the emptiness she had seen when he talked about his childhood. He seemed almost vacant. She couldn't even find her voice for a few moments as she resisted the urge to reach out and touch him.

"What's wrong?" Addison asked gently. Alex's eyes immediately left hers as he looked down, slightly shaking his head. Addison felt chills rise on her arms as she briefly closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "What is it? Tell me." Addison finished lightly. Alex felt his heart pounding faster, he bit the inside of his lip as he continued to look at the floor. He looked up at her again briefly and felt his heart ache at the thought of what he was about to start.

"There's this rumor going around the hospital." Alex started lightly. "People are saying that you and Derek are going to get back together." Addison felt an instant sense of relief and even smiled, rolling her eyes, she reached out to put her hand on his arm.

"You should know that all hospital rumors are not the truth. Is that really what this is about?" Addison asked seriously. She felt the muscle in his arm tense underneath her hand.

"Just tell me the truth, Addison." Alex implored her levelly. He felt his emotions rising at the confused glint in her eyes.

"The truth?" Addison questioned. "About me and Derek? I'm not going back to him."

"Why haven't you signed the divorce papers?" Alex countered plainly. Addison felt as though she had just gotten the wind knocked out of her. She couldn't even find her words for a response. The look on his face was heart wrenching. She didn't know what to do, what to say, what to think. She was spinning out of control. Alex slowly shrugged his arm away from her hand.

"Look, Alex I don't know what you've heard but…" Addison started unsteadily.

"You haven't have you? You really haven't." Alex cut her off again. Addison was becoming increasingly frantic and frustrated. He rarely cut her off.

"I'm still getting a divorce Alex." Addison said calmly.

"But neither one of you have signed the papers? Are you kidding me?" Alex asked, the elevation in his voice was unmistakable. He took a few steps back from her, her closeness was becoming overwhelming. "I expect it from him, because he's just an indecisive, selfish asshole but you? You?" Alex asked bewildered. Addison could feel the panic set in as her eyes burned with the tears she desperately didn't want to shed.

"I-I.." Addison stammered as she quickly ran her hand through her hair, trying to make sense of this. Trying to search her mind for some explanation that would make this right for him. Some explanation that would make him believe her. Make him trust her.

"You're just using me." Alex said simply. He was noticeably upset. The sadness and anger that he was emoting made her hands shake. The way his eyes wouldn't focus on hers for more than five seconds at a time caused her such a sense of dread and defeat.

"I am not using you." Addison exclaimed firmly.

"Sure you are." Alex affirmed as he shook his head. "That's exactly what you're doing. I'm not stupid, Addison.

"I am not using you." Addison repeated. "What you and I have is real."

"Yeah, real convenient." Alex quipped back. "You were just testing me out for a trial run, you have every intention on going back to him when the time suits you."

"Stop," Addison replied, she crossed her arms in front of herself to minimize her shaking. She blinked away her tears as she tried desperately to get a grasp on her emotions and his obvious sense of betrayal. "That's not going to happen."

"So then why haven't you signed the papers? If you're gonna stand there and tell me that there's a reasonable explanation for you not signing them other than you buying time, just save it."

"I know it may seem that way but I swear to you, it's not." Addison assured him.

"But it is, Addison." Alex lamented sadly. "It is like that."

"I promise you, it's not." Addison replied, feeling the tightness in her throat return. She forced it down as she quickly wiped the corners of her eyes to catch the tears there before they escaped down her face.

"You lied to me about it." Alex exclaimed urgently. "You lied. We laid in that bed, right there, together and you lied. You made me believe you were getting a divorce and you're not. We made love how many times? And you just let me believe I had a chance with you. You let me believe I had a shot. Why would you do that? Why would you lie?"

"I'm sorry." Addison whispered lightly.

"You're sorry?" Alex asked stunned. "What are you sorry for, Addison? For lying.? For using me? For letting me make a fool of myself for your benefit? What exactly are you sorry for?"

"I'm sorry that I wasn't honest. I'm sorry that I kept this from you." Addison replied. "But Alex, that doesn't mean I didn't mean what I said to you, or how I felt with you. I don't want to be with Derek. I want to be with you."

"You know what? I really, really want to believe that. I want to believe that more than I want to take my next breath." Alex replied as his eyes fixed on hers. He felt his insides tear apart as he saw the sadness on her face. Her expression matched exactly what he was feeling. "But the truth is, I don't. I don't believe it."

"Just tell me what to say." Addison pleaded. "Tell me what to say to make this go away."

"Why haven't you signed them?"

"I don't know."

"That's not an answer, you do know. You wanted to test the waters. But you wanted to have the safety net of your marriage beneath you. I'm nothing more than a diversion."

"That is not true. You are so much more than a diversion. I admit it, I haven't signed the papers. But that doesn't mean that I'm not going to and it doesn't devalue everything I feel for you and what we mean to each other. I am not using you, Alex. You have to believe that."

"Not signing them just gives him fuel to fight you on it more aggressively. Because it shows him that you're not actually serious about getting it. If you haven't signed them, then why should he?"

"He's just doing that to get under my skin, he knows just as well as I do that we can't be married any longer."

"But you are married still, and you'll stay that way if neither of you makes the first move to sign on the line, I guess it was my fault for thinking I was more than enough incentive."

"Stop doing that. It doesn't have anything to do with you, I have to handle my problems with Derek. It has nothing to do with me and you."

"It has everything to do with me and you. Because it seems to me that the only reason there is a me and you is because you're selfish. You didn't care how it would make me feel to be lied to, how it would make me feel to be the scapegoat out of and then back into your marriage. You just cared about getting what you wanted. And God knows what that is."

"I know you're angry." Addison tried to reason with him as she took a step closer to him for the first time. Alex noticed it and almost immediately tensed up. This conversation was becoming more and more like emotional Russian roulette.

"I'm not angry," Alex sighed sadly. "What I am is threw."

"Threw?" Addison questioned, the panic in her voice was evident.

"I'm sorry, Addison. I just can't do this."

"No, no please don't say that." Addison begged as her voice broke, she closed the remaining space between them as she neared him. "Please don't do this." Addison implored as she meet his dejected eyes. She felt herself starting to panic inside, she couldn't fathom what she would do if he really broke things off with her. He had, in such a sort period of time, become her rock. He was her stability. He was her sense of purpose. He couldn't just snatch that out from under her. He wouldn't.

"I'm sorry." Alex repeated as their eyes burned each others. He saw a tear run down her face and felt his stomach twist in knots.

"Please don't go." Addison implored as she hastily wiped the tears from her face with the back of her hand. Alex gently put his hand on the back of her neck, breaking their eye contact and bringing her in close to his chest. Addison's arms automatically clutched him to her and she felt certain that she wouldn't let go. Alex felt her body trembling in his arms, as he squeezed his eyes shut and prayed for the strength to walk away from this woman. He didn't know if he could.

"Don't make this harder then it already is." Alex reasoned with her softly as he smoothed down her hair with his hand, he clung to her with almost the same force that she so desperately held onto him with. He knew the next few moments would only be more difficult than the previous. He knew she was crying, he could feel it. He felt his eyes sting at the thought.

"Don't do this." Addison murmured into his neck. Alex slowly grazed his lips against her temple and pulled away from her, trying to dodge her arms as they reached out to him again.

"Stop, stop." Alex said as he finally disconnected them and cleared his throat. "I have to go."

Addison bit her lip to keep her sobs at bay as she resisted the urge to just throw herself onto him to make him stay. The room became blurry as tears filled her eyes and clouded her view.

"Alex, please don't go." Addison begged one final time before Alex brushed quickly past her and hurriedly left her hotel room.


	24. That I Could Choose Another Over Her

Chapter 24: That I Could Choose Another Over Her

Addison was the epitome of exhausted. Her brain literally hurt from the variety of thoughts cursing through her mind. Her eyes were stinging and sore from her half hour long bawling session. Her heart stung, she felt like a million little pieces broken on the floor by her bed. She hadn't even mustered the strength to get up to sit or lay in the bed. The floor seemed to be the only place level enough to handle the weight of her anguish. She had so many different questions. Alex had completely blindsided her with his knowledge of neither her nor Derek signing the papers. Who had told him that? Who, besides them two even knew that? She had been simultaneously knocked off her feet when he had revealed that he knew. She hadn't had time to even get her bearings and give him a persuasive argument worth a second of his time. She remembered muttering something about them being real and that she wasn't at all using him but she had been so shocked she couldn't really remember much else. She suddenly recalled the feel of his arms around her as he held her right before he rushed out. She wiped her face quickly as she squeezed her eyes shut and willed the unearthly aching of her heart to stop. She had felt the precise closeness of the hold he had on her for those ten seconds. She had felt the define yet tortuous touch of his lips against her head. Had he really pried himself away from her? Had he really walked out on her while she was in tears? Was he really never coming back? Was he really gone? Her mind hurt at the possible answers to these questions. She felt like every part of her hurt. Her heart felt heavier than it had in awhile, she had become an expert on heavy hearts but hadn't felt that dull ache for some time. They had been so happy together. They understood one another. She knew lying to him had been wrong, she couldn't figure out why she hadn't signed the papers. She had been to hell and back with Derek. And now she had just lost Alex. Just like that he was gone. Addison felt her shoulders start to shake as the sobs returned. She felt like such a mess of an unstable person, she had lost the one person who she connected with at all. The thought of him kept her on the floor.

_I must be a horrible person, _Addison thought to herself with contempt. Her eyes squeezed shut as the tears ran freely down her face. She lay curled in a ball and silently prayed that her pain would subside, or at the very least just lessen. She knew it was too much to ask. She felt as though he had just blown her world apart. She hadn't the faintest clue what she was going to do.

Alex sat in his car silently. He had been driving around aimlessly for a half an hour. Rather it wasn't really completely silent because he could hear the pounding in his chest as his breath heaved as he tried to calm himself down. He couldn't believe that he had just walked out on her, he couldn't get the look on her face out of his head as he stared blindly out into the street. It had taken every ounce of strength that he possessed in his body to walk out on her. He recalled feeling his heart almost stop when her teary eyes had silently plead with him right before he made his way to the door. But then that despair turned to anger as he remembered that she had lied to him, she had made him believe something that wasn't actually the case. She had let him think she was getting a divorce when she wasn't. She had let him in. She had made him love her. That very thought made most of the muscles tense up in his body. He knew he couldn't keep driving around in the state he was in. It wasn't safe. He thought about it for a couple of moments before deciding to head over to Meredith's. He remembered Izzie mentioning something about the other interns having a game night over there. He guessed it was probably better than going home to his empty, sad apartment where he would only wallow in his thoughts and self-pity. Once he got to the house, he slowly parked his car and took a deep breath. He silently prayed that there was still alcohol. He tapped on the door lightly as he stood in the doorway. He heard steps come closer to the door and it opened as he saw Izzie on the other end, with a bit of a surprised look on her face.

"Hey," Izzie offered as he eyes quietly took in his demeanor. She almost immediately knew something was wrong with him. Even in her slightly inebriated state she recognized that. He looked really uneasy.

"Hi," Alex offered as he walked past her. Izzie's eyes followed him as he walked. Taking in the pain in his eyes and tension in his jaw. She harbored the inclination to ask him what was wrong. He had just gotten there. "Where is everybody?"

"Meredith passed out about fifteen minutes ago. George and Cristina both had significant other 'issues'. So now it's just me and entirely too much alcohol." Izzie exclaimed easily. Her voice sounding almost sing-song like. She brought her glass to her lips as she took a sip of her mixed drink She was very intrigued with his presence when he had told her he had plans for the night. Obviously with Addison.

_Obviously not any longer, _Izzie thought with a slight smirk. She felt rather pleased with herself.

"Do you want a drink?" Izzie offered suddenly.

"Yeah, or five." Alex mumbled absentmindedly as he looked around Meredith's dinning room and met Izzie's eyes from across the room.

"You look like you could use one." Izzie observed.

"Gee thanks." Alex replied as he looked away. Izzie felt instantly sorry.

"Vodka, Tequila or Rum?" Izzie asked.

"That's quite a selection. Bring all of them." Alex requested as he leaned against the table, crossing his fingers in front of him. He returned her eye contact. "Will you take shots with me?"

"Yeah."

Izzie went to the kitchen, her mind was racing. She was becoming excited with the prospects of getting drunk with Alex after the kind of a night he had obviously had. He was coping horribly at best and drinking would help some of the pain that he was feeling, go away. She could even take over where the alcohol left off if he was willing and something made her think that after a few drinks he might be. She took the bottles of alcohol out of the freezer, walking back into the dinning room and set them on the table in front of him and walked back into the kitchen to retrieve a class for him as she swallowed the rest of her drink she had been nursing preciously. She placed Alex's glass in front of him as she sat in the chair next to him, he slowly poured himself a shot of rum as she poured a shot of vodka.

"What are we toasting to?" Izzie asked.

"The truth." Alex replied seriously as he lifted his glass and tapped the brim of hers with it as they both downed their shots. Izzie's eyes surveyed his face as it grimaced slightly from the burn in his throat from the alcohol.

"You wanna talk about it?" Izzie questioned knowingly as the sadness displayed on his face got the best of her.

"What do you want me to say Iz?" Alex questioned harshly as he poured himself another shot. "You were right?"

"No," Izzie countered firmly. "I just… I just hate that she hurt you."

"I'll get over it." Alex implored calmly as he quickly downed the alcohol in his glass. Izzie felt the urge to reach out and take his hand to try and instill some sense of comfort to him. The anger, resentment and bitterness that he was emoting off of him was making her head spin. She felt the alcohol cursing through her veins as her face became slightly warmer. She poured herself another shot as she shook her head at his last remark.

"Did you go see her?" Izzie questioned curiously as she leaned back in her chair, her body angling towards him, she quickly swallowed her shot. Alex's eyes met hers as he heard the question. He tapped the side of the table lazily as he played with a napkin near one of the bottles.

"What do you think?" Alex asked abrasively as his eyes burned hers.

"Well, I'm sorry you couldn't just take my word for it." Izzie countered crisply.

"It wasn't about your word, Iz." Alex reasoned in a gentler voice as he poured a shot of tequila this time. "I had to talk to her about it." He saw Izzie roll her eyes quickly as she cleared her throat, bringing one of her legs to her chest and shaking her head slightly at Alex.

"Did she deny it?"

"No, she admitted she hadn't signed them. But she swore to me that what we have is real." Alex lamented bitterly. Izzie felt her stomach contract in disgust.

"Is it?" Izzie questioned doubtingly. "Do you believe her?"

_It is for me, _Alex thought sadly as he brought his glass to his lips taking his fourth shot. He was starting to feel the effects of the alcohol. He still felt that dull ache but it seemed to be from further away. He ran his hand over his face and through his short hair as he poured another shot. He was concentrating on the glass and the alcohol that poured from it's bottle but he could feel her stare on him.

"Alright, enough with the pity stare." Alex commented gruffly as he tipped the glass easily in his mouth.

"It's not pity," Izzie said as he eased her eyes off of him. "I just hate that she had the audacity to do that to you. Her reputation as faithful wife already isn't exceptional. She just had to use you to boot? I think her and Derek deserve each other."

"See that's where you're wrong. She deserves so much more than Shepard." Alex replied lazily. Running his finger on the bottom of his glass, he was starting to hear his thoughts more clearly, the sudden charge of emotion that were usually associated with them felt far away but it was still there.

_That just means, 'Drink more.' _Alex thought to himself as he briefly looked at Izzie.

"How are you going to sit here and defend her after she lied to you?" Izzie questioned disapprovingly. Alex took a deep breath as he held her eye contact.

"I'm not defending her. It's the truth. Shepard is a self-centered, indecisive, egotistical maniac. She deserves the moon compared to him." Alex finished lightly.

"That's a tall order," Izzie reasoned lightly leaning forward. "You weren't trying to give her the moon, were you?" Izzie tilted her head slightly as her mouth fixed in a line. She held his eye contact for a few more moments before he broke it. He caught sight of the tequila and poured another shot, taking it instantly.

"I don't know what I was doing." Alex replied somberly as he shook his head lightly.

"Well I know that she didn't deserve a second of it." Izzie responded firmly. Her eyes implored him to look at her. He stared at his glass as they sat in silence for a few moments. Izzie poured another shot of vodka into her glass and then pointed to the rum and tequila. "Which one?" Izzie questioned. Alex pointed to the rum and Izzie poured his shot slowly, careful not to drop the bottle in her drunken state. "This is to you and me." Izzie smiled brightly as she held up her glass. Alex looked her in the eyes once her sentence had registered. "To having each other's backs." Izzie added , a smile across her face. He eyed her curiously as he gently tapped his glass with her own.

"Yeah," Alex replied loosely. "To that." They both took their shots in union and settled themselves from the taste of the alcohol.

"Ugh," Izzie sighed, "I think I need a break." She was starting to feel very drunk.

"Take one." Alex said. "I need to keep drinking."

"No, no. I think you should take a little break too." Izzie suggested.

"I'm fine." Alex assured her.

"I don't doubt that. But we were drinking pretty quickly. I was already damn near drunk earlier. Just take a little break." Alex suddenly felt like her chair was so much closer to his than it had previously been. Alex glanced in Izzie's direction and seemingly got hit in the face with her closeness. He could see clearly into her deep brown eyes and felt held there, he acknowledged the spark that instantly went between them. He hadn't felt that with her in quite some time. He was suddenly reminded of their somewhat tumultuous history as the alcohol flowed through his veins. Izzie leaned forward kissing him directly on the mouth. Even though he knew it was coming, it still somewhat caught him off guard. He moved his lips against hers on instinct in his drunken state. He felt her hand slowly traveling up his arm. Alex placed both hands on her face as his mouth began reacting to hers. Her lips urgently searched his as she leaned her body closer to him. Alex felt something swiftly change in him and he noticed it even despite the amount of alcohol cursing through his blood stream. Though he couldn't deny it felt nice to be kissed and shown this attention he couldn't fully enjoy it because she wasn't who his heart really wanted. She wasn't the woman his body ached for. He knew if he let this go on any further, it would severely complicate what was already a highly complex situation. Alex broke their kiss and pulled away from her, feeling slightly discombobulated as he searched her bewildered face.

"What? What's wrong?" Izzie asked as she took a breath. She searched his eyes and felt a panic in her gut when she was met with a look of uncertainty. She hadn't thought for one moment that he would reject her. They had history, they had potential, they still had a spark of what they had shared before they both made such an utter mess of it. At least she prayed that was all still present within him. Alex stared into her eyes as he felt himself at a loss for words. The way she was looking at him was slowly making him apologetic.

"I'm sorry," He muttered under his breath as his eyes shifted away from her face as he let go of it. "I can't do this."

"Why not?" Izzie questioned with disbelief. "What's stopping you?

"I'm upset. You're lonely. We're drunk." Alex replied as he ran his hand over his face, still feeling a tad bit off balance because of her closeness. He could swear he heard her heart beating. Or maybe that was just his. "I don't want us to start hurting each other again." He thought of their rather unfortunate past.

"It won't hurt." Izzie assured him with a smile, placing her hand on the side of his neck. "It'll feel really good. I promise." She flirted as she leaned forward to kiss him again. She was met with the side of his face as he turned his head to divert her advance. Izzie felt like someone had slapped her in the face when he had directly rejected her come-on. Did he really no longer feel anything for her?

"I'm sorry." Alex offered again as his mind started to take off. He halfway hated himself for stopping her onslaught of advances. He thought for a moment that a night of uninhibited, drunken sex might be exactly what he needed. But that wasn't the case and he knew that now. The Alex from a few months ago would've had sex with her in a heartbeat but that was the Alex before he had been so unexpectedly changed by a certain OBGYN. This was him post-Addison. And even in his drunken state he could tell the immediate difference.

"No, no don't be sorry." Izzie replied as she gave a fake smile, the look of pure confusion that played on her face was hard to take. He could see how badly he had hurt her within seconds of her response. The space in between her eyebrows were lined with uncertainty. "I obviously undermined the bond that you and her have." Izzie finished pitifully. She still couldn't fathom the fact that he had just rejected her.

"Don't make it about what it isn't," Alex falsely insisted. "You and I worked hard to be friends again after all that stuff that happened between us. I wouldn't want to wreck that."

"Don't feed me that line of bull, Alex." Izzie shot back at him with warning eyes. "I know what this is about. I just can't believe that you're that gullible. Why are you risking your heart for someone who isn't going to leave her husband. Why would you risk your heart on someone who cheated on that husband, more than once might I add? Why would you do that? You deserve so much more. I wish you would let me show you that."

"I should go." Alex replied lightly as her words stung him. He suddenly was hit in the face with the events of that day and he felt almost instantly exhausted.

"No, you know what, stay. You shouldn't be driving like this." Izzie replied.

"I'll be fine." Alex countered as he slowly stood up. Izzie sat in silence as she resisted the urge to look at him. He battled with what to say to her as she wouldn't even meet his eyes and he started to walk out of the dining room. Before he exited, Izzie called out to him.

"Alex," Izzie muttered.

"Yeah?"

"Don't be easily swayed. She will try to win you back. Don't believe the lies."

Alex let the weight of her words settle on him as he thought about what she meant. He knew in his own heart that Addison and himself weren't really finished. He knew that the feelings he harbored so intensely for her weren't just going to disappear because of technicalities but that didn't stop him from feeling betrayed and let down. He didn't know if he could ever trust her again. Suddenly being snapped back into reality he muttered, "Goodnight Izzie." As he made his way out of the kitchen and out of the front door.

Izzie drew in a deep breath as she heard the front door close behind him. She clutched her eyes shut for a moment as she compartmentalized everything that had just happened between them. She couldn't get a grasp on the fact that she hadn't been able to get him into bed. It had seemed like such a small feat. Especially after Addison had confirmed to him that she had been lying. He had been there, drunk and vulnerable and still that hadn't mattered because they weren't tangled around each other that very moment. It made her sick to her stomach and the alcohol that was flowing heavily through her veins wasn't helping. She couldn't believe she had just been rejected. And by Alex no less. The same Alex who had pursued her so heavily in the middle of their relationship though he had cheated on her with Olivia, she considered their history to be very deep and complicated. She had felt sure that she could still get to him and effect the way he acted. But no, he had to actually show some will power and control. She couldn't even wrap her brain around it. It baffled her to the nth degree and was definitely a blow to her ego. Her mind went racing as she thought of what she was going to do. She felt sad, alone, discouraged and quite lost. As she sat alone in her chair she suddenly got an idea as she glanced over at the clock. There was only one person who she could possibly talk to, he was the only one who could understand where she was coming from. They were in this together after all. Izzie got up slowly and went to the bathroom, she eyed her sad face in the mirror as she took her blonde hair out of the clip that held it bunched on her head. Once it fell out over her shoulders she took a deep breath and a final look in the mirror before she walked out of the bathroom, grabbed her keys from the hallway table and walked out of the house.


	25. This Is My Hello This is My Goodness

Chapter 25: This Is My Hello; This is My Goodness

Izzie Stevens paused as her slightly clenched fist hovered over his hotel room door. She wasn't entirely sure this was the best of decisions. She had come there on a complete whim when she felt herself slipping into a sort of drunken depression after Alex had left. Her mind was still absolutely reeling from the prior occurrences of the evening, and the amount of alcohol in her system was doing nothing but clouding her judgment. She took a deep breath to calm her nerves and apprehension as she ran her hand through her blonde hair, it curled slightly at the ends from being worn twisted up in a clip. She took another deep breath before eyeing the room number and gently knocking on the door. She felt herself fidgeting with the edge of her jacket as she waiting quietly, she could hear her heart pounding. She knew that she was out of sorts but her nervousness surprised her. The door opened after a few moments of silence on the other end, she literally felt her heart swell when she saw Mark leaning against the door, a look of immediate confusion played on his face. She almost instantly noticed the definition in his body as his white t-shirt clung to him in all the right places. Her eyes shifted down quickly as she felt her face become warm. His eyes danced over her in amusement. She was probably the last person he had expected to see. It was getting late and he was just about to go to sleep. Mark broke the silence and flashed a quick smile.

"And to what do I owe this unexpected visit?" He wondered aloud suspiciously, he could suddenly tell that she really didn't seem like herself. Her eyes were fidgety and her stance was unsure. She usually went around with an air of confidence. It was no where to be found as he took in her somewhat weaker counterpart. Mark opened the door a little wider as if to signify that she could come in. She hadn't found her voice yet, or maybe it was more that she really didn't know where to start, what he would say, how she would look. She turned around to face him, feeling his immediate physicality. He had never been this good looking to her. There was something about the shirt he was wearing and the sincerity in his face, his brows slightly furrowed, his look seemed unwavering. Izzie attempted to tentatively hold his stare, her brain reeling through what she should possibly say. "What's wrong?" Mark asked finally as his impatience came to a head. He thought that she was going to open her mouth and speak but it didn't happen. She looked like she had no clue were to start.

"I, uh, I think I messed up." Izzie responded hesitantly, she tried to mask her wavering voice with a hint of calm. But he wasn't so easily fooled. He could tell by her body language that something was very off with her.

"Messed up what?" Mark followed assertively, his eyes taking in her frazzled presence. He couldn't really put his finger on it but it was something slightly vulnerable and alluring. He had never really seen her look this lost or this confused. She looked like she didn't know what she believed in.

"I had the perfect, or what I thought to be the perfect opportunity to tell Alex about the divorce papers. He runs off, t-to her and they fight, h-he comes back to see me and I have the PERFECT opportunity to sleep with him and I l-lost it." Izzie finished with a hint of sadness in her voice, her words were obvious messes of syllables, he managed to distinguish when she had started that she was obviously intoxicated. Mark felt his mouth ease into a slight smirk that left as soon as it came when she noticed it on his face and her eyes grew darker.

"Are you drunk?" Mark asked easily. The answer was a very obvious one but he couldn't help but want her verbal affirmation. Izzie looked instantly confused as she made a face at his question.

"That isn't important at all." She whined slowly.

"Okay, Okay," He relented as he saw the look of irritation and frustration on her face, he got such an odd sense of joy out of pushing her buttons on a regular that he often didn't know when to stop. "Start from the beginning." Izzie dropped her head as he took a deep breath and tried to clear her jumbled thoughts.

"After work earlier, I ran into Alex leaving and stopped him and told him how neither Derek or Addison had signed the divorce papers," Izzie started carefully, fully focusing on enunciating her words as they came out of her mouth. "He of course, didn't believe me right away and went to confront Addison about it."

"Which couldn't have gone well, I assume?" Mark questioned as if he already knew the answer.

"Of course not, he confronts her, she denies it, I'm sure some crocodile tears were conjured up on her end and on his: he's obviously feeling betrayed, vulnerable and confused." Izzie explains plainly.

"Says Izzie, the full blown Karev cheerleader." Mark teased quickly. Izzie shot him a contemptuous look as she rolled her eyes. "Sorry," Mark muttered. "Continue."

"He leaves and then in all of his obvious despair and loneliness comes over and drowns himself in alcohol." Izzie stated sadly, the glint in her eyes made him suddenly more aware of how drunk and sad she was.

"With you, I presume?" Mark asked as he studied her. Her utter vulnerability as she stood there in front of him at that moment seemed almost haunting, although she was obviously a drunken mess. Her blonde hair caught the light well as his eyes searched her face, delicate skin, sharp cheekbones, round brown eyes, full mouth; her looks where captivating. He had always thought she was just the hot blonde, not so much as he looked at her now. He saw the actuality of her beauty; the richness of it.

"Yes, yes." Izzie admitted tiredly. As she felt her stomach muscles tighten at the thought of how all this unraveling while she was drunk was not a very good idea. She cleared her thoughts and tried to continue. "We were drunk, everything was fine, we were just talking. It felt nice, you know? When you're talking to somebody who, at that moment, really needs you. I know he was so shocked. He didn't believe me when I told him. He was devastated."

"Well, it's not hard to fall for Addison." Mark interjected softly.

"Oh aren't you so kind to remind me of that very fact." Izzie stated boldly back. Her heart dropped when he had said her name.

"Easy, I'm listening to you push Alex up a flight of pedestals."

"I am so sorry that you can't remove your rose colored glasses when it comes to your precious Addison. I can't stand her."

"Aren't you cute? You are officially president of the hate club, how fitting."

"I just needed somebody to listen." Izzie said bitterly as she felt her emotions surface a tad. She bit her lip as she tried to hold it together. Mark saw it instantly and he felt bad for teasing her so severely. She wasn't in a good emotional state, he had momentarily forgotten.

"You're right." Mark said quickly. "I'm sorry, go ahead."

"There was a moment of electricity between he and I," Izzie replied, conscious of the fact her sentence had a double meaning. "I kissed him, and at first he responded but then he pulled away. He rejected me." She sounded confused, like her words coming to life in the atmosphere had made them even truer, and even more hurtful. "And that means only one thing, whatever they have trumps what he and I do. I never thought that was possible."

Mark stood inches from her absorbing the sadness on her face. He felt instantly compelled to reach out to her. They stood in silence for a moment before he walked towards her and stopped as his eyes bore into her. Izzie felt suddenly lightheaded as she held his gaze, she reached for him and he met her half way. Her hands held onto his forearms as she felt all the alcohol rush through her. Mark stood solidly in front of her, their slight height difference was evident as they stood in front of each other.

"It's alright." Mark whispered as he searched her eyes, the contact of her hands against his arms seemed to generate a certain heat. He felt an impulse to put his arms around her to calm the nerves that, he could tell were on edge as her eyes seemed uncertain. In a quick motion, and without Izzie giving it much thought she closed the distance between them in a moment of unclear thinking. She placed a hand on his chest as she leaned forward and placed her lips over his. His hands tightened on her arms as his mouth immediately responded to hers. Their lips dueled as hers became bolder and more aggressive. Mark found his hands traveling from her arms to wrap around her as he felt her body close the small space remaining between them. Mark slowed the pace of the kiss as she wrapped her arms around his neck, relishing in the feeling of being held so tightly in his arms, so closely to his body. Their tongues met as she felt the hairs on her arms stand on end, he worked his mouth over hers with expertise as she felt her whole body cling to his. Mark suddenly had an uncanny and unfamiliar tick in his mind as he held her against him with their mouths exploring each other. He broke their kiss, with a gasp.

"Whoa, wait a-" Mark muttered as he took in the closeness of her lidded eyes and parted mouth. She looked beyond surprised that he had stopped them. She leaned forward to silence his protest with her mouth but he quickly caught her chin with his thumb and finger. "We… we really shouldn't do this."

"Why?" Izzie breathed desperately, running her hands up his arms. She felt like her body was on fire against his. She needed him to make her feel alive, she needed to feel wanted, she needed to feel him.

"Because you're drunk and upset so you're not thinking clearly." Mark reasoned with her as he felt her body shift against him rather effectively as his breath caught.

"I'm thinking very clearly, thank you very much." Izzie whispered as she kissed him again before he mustered the will to protest. Their lips met in a whirlwind as Izzie clutched the back of his neck and clung tightly to his arm. His arms encircled her waist as she teased his lower lip with her teeth.

"Oh dear God, we have to stop…" Mark exclaimed in an obviously flustered state. "I'm sorry, we have to, while I still have the good sense to say no to you."

Izzie's jaw dropped in near mock horror, she could feel the solidness of his being against her yet he was gasping for them to stop. She really couldn't believe this. She couldn't actually remember ever being turned down in a night, let alone twice in one night. She didn't know if her esteem could take it. Was she that unlovable? Was she that damaged? Izzie's eyes filled as she felt the girth of his arms underneath her fingertips.

"This can't be happening." Izzie whispered as she fought to keep her tears at bay, she could feel her hands start to shake as she thought of what to do. He felt so delicious pressed against her the way that he was. The last thing in the world she wanted was for him to stop. "First Alex, now you? What happened to me?"

Mark gently placed his hand on her neck and brought her face into his chest, tightening his hold on her.

"Don't cry, okay?" Mark lulled warmly. "You're not in a place right now to make this decision correctly. You're drunk and things didn't go how you thought they would with Alex."

"They aren't going how I thought they would with you, either. This just really isn't my day." Izzie sighed dramatically as she inhaled his scent and held on tightly to him. Mark's mind raced frantically as he thought about what to do next. He doubted with utmost certainty that he would be able to continue deflecting her come on's for much longer, the fact that he was thinking clearly at all no less acting on it was excruciatingly odd for him. He almost didn't understand it. He pulled back to look at her, feeling the slope of her lower back underneath his hands. He studied her face and cleared his throat when his eyes reached her mouth and he felt an unnerving desire to throw caution and his quickly grown conscious to the wind. But he decided against it.

"Why don't you lie down?" Mark insisted calmly, "You look tired."

"What's this? You won't sleep with me, you'll just settle for a feel in the dark when I'm passed out?" Izzie accused unevenly.

"I wouldn't do that." Mark countered defensively as his hands dropped from her back to his side. He took a step towards the bed and pulled the side of the covers down. "You can trust me, If I say I won't touch you, I won't."

"What if I want you to?" Izzie questioned, as she walked up behind him.

"Izzie, please.. just stop. Before I loose what good sense of judgment I've suddenly mustered."

"What's the problem? I feel like this is body snatchers. Would the real Mark Sloan please stand up?" Izzie remarked sarcastically as she ran her hand down his arm. Mark turned around suddenly before she could effectively close the gap between them.

"The problem is that you want Alex. And I'm not Alex, Izzie." Mark explained to her softly, silently willing her to give up. "And while that wouldn't usually matter one way or another to me. I know you. And I would hate for this to further complicate a situation that just needs clear heads and sound minds. You would probably kill me in my sleep when you woke up tomorrow morning. Don't you think we both have enough on our plates without adding each other?"

Izzie couldn't believe the places he was drawing from to disengage her imaginary hook in him. He was trying desperately and she could tell. Maybe they really shouldn't sleep together, she thought for the first time since deciding to pay him a visit. Maybe this really was all just a drunken mistake that they should both let die out gracefully. Her face showed the obvious change in her thoughts as she looked at the floor.

"Yeah, maybe you're right." Izzie muttered softly. Mark felt an instant sense of relief as he motioned for her to get in the bed. Izzie took one last look at Mark's face before sliding off her jacket and shoes and socks and getting in the bed and pulling the covers up to her chin. Mark went into the bathroom momentarily to process his thoughts away from her, he came back as she was drifting off to sleep, he watched her peaceful face for a few moments before noticing the ache in his heart.

_Don't even go there man,_ Mark thought to himself as he shook his head of that particular notion. He quickly and quietly got into the bed next to her, careful to stay on his side as his nose was filled with her scent as he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.

Addison felt sure that she was living in the confines of karma as she clutched her phone in her hand as she lay curled in her bed. All the pillows and tissue around her made her feel as if she was in an enormous vat of endless exhaustion. Her eyes were barely open as she looked in the direction of her phone, her head pounded from her hysterical antics of sob fests that she had been taking part in since Alex had left her several hours earlier. She had called him three different times and it had gone to his voicemail every single time. Not that that really surprised her at all. She hadn't expected him to answer she had only hoped that he would. She just needed to hear his voice on the other line. She needed to say something to him. She hadn't the slightest clue what she would say but she needed to say something. She had been replaying the fight they had had earlier in her head over and over again. She couldn't forget the look of such betrayal and sadness that he had on his face throughout the exchange. She had never seen him that upset about anything. She felt that maybe that was what caused her to freeze up, that and the fact that he found out the very last thing she had ever wanted him to know: her divorce was not at all legal. The thought of Derek made her stomach jolt and flip. She couldn't bear to picture him in her mind without feeling sick. He was the catalyst to the destruction in her heart. Once again, and it was almost as if he had done it vicariously this time. Addison felt such hate for Derek in her being at that moment that it scared her. She thought with utter certainty that she would find a way to make him sign those papers. He wouldn't be able to manipulate her much longer. This was all going to be over soon. Addison just prayed that by the time she was done settling things with Derek that Alex would be willing to give her another shot. However, she didn't know how likely that was going to be because of how deeply she had hurt him. Addison clutched her phone in her hand before hastily moving her thumb across it and holding it to her ear as it rang, she prayed that he would just answer, though she didn't expect him to. He was probably sleeping like she should have been. Her heart started beating faster when she heard his voice on the other end.

"Hello?" Alex said lowly. Just the sound of his voice resonating in her ears caused her heart to drop.

"Hi," Addison offered timidly, she could tell by his voice that he knew it was her.

"Ad-"

"Wait, don't say anything." She cut him off abruptly. Her heart beat increased as she shut her eyes and took a deep breath. "I need to see you."

"I can't." Alex said simply. The hairs on his arms raised at the urgency in her voice.

"Please, I need to see you, Alex." Addison begged, she hated the desperation in her voice but the emptiness in her body made her weak.

"It's 2:00 o'clock in the morning." Alex whispered in response to her plea. He rolled over onto his back and placed a hand on his head. For a moment he wondered why he had even answered the phone. Her voice made his heart hurt.

"I'm so sorry, Alex. I am. We should've stopped before we got in too deep."

Her words stung him. He felt for sure that this was some tumultuous form of reverse psychology. "Don't say that." Alex said stunned, he couldn't believe she had stooped to wishing they had never happened at all, even though he sort of did at that moment himself. She was driving him crazy. He suddenly took it back. "I don't know, maybe you're right."

"Will you come here?" Addison asked meekly. All the while knowing his answer but hoping for the opposite.

"No," Alex said firmly as he rubbed his temple, she was making his head ache. Or maybe it was him who was making his own head throb, he was racking his brain for every option of what to say to her, of what to do, he silently longed for the touch of her hand, the smell of her skin, the feel of her hair.

_What the hell did I get myself into?_ He thought to himself as the reasons to why he was refusing her came to the forefront of his brain. He couldn't trust her. She had lied to him. He had fell in love with her and she had lied to him. He had unknowingly and involuntarily given her the ability to destroy him and that is exactly how he felt: destroyed. The silence on the line stung his ears, he could feel her trying to compose herself from her rising emotions. She didn't want him to know that she was on the brink of tears.

"Ad," Alex whispered softly. Addison felt her hand clutch the phone tighter as her eyes shut in pain as she heard him whisper what he sometimes called her. She opened her eyes and they immediately filled as she tried to keep her composure and hold it together with him on the phone. He could tell that she was struggling to find her voice. It took him a moment to repeat himself. "Ad?"

"Yeah…"

"You've got to stop calling me."

"How long are you going to do this? How long are you gonna punish me?" Addison questioned, her voice wavering slightly.

"I'm not trying to punish you. I just can't right now."

"I need to see you."

"You'll see me tomorrow." He reasoned with her gently. "Now go to sleep, Addy."

"Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't give up on me."

"Goodnight." Alex whispered quickly and hung up the phone without hearing her response. He knew if he didn't get off the phone with her right then they'd be on the phone going back and forth for the next hour. He couldn't stand it. He couldn't handle it. She got to him in ways that completely frightened him and put him on edge. He didn't know up from down when they were together, and things kept getting more and more complicated. Her words echoed in his head as he closed his eyes and tried to sleep.

_Don't give up on me._


	26. You're A Masochist For Falling For Me

Chapter 26: You're a Masochist For Falling For Me

Addison felt physically sick to her stomach as she drove to the hospital the next morning. She hadn't been able to get much sleep the night before after her brief conversation with Alex. Though the conversation was short, it had played in her mind throughout most of the night. She couldn't believe just how much he truly meant to her. For some unknown reason she had never felt such clarity about her feelings towards him than she had in the face of losing him. She couldn't stand the thought of him completely giving up on her. She had to talk to him; she had to try to explain. Even if she had to explain to him a thousand times a hundred different ways, she knew that she wouldn't give up until he really heard her, until he believed the words that she said to him. She couldn't bear to lose him. She couldn't do it.

Once Addison entered the hospital she felt immediately aware of the faces around her. The one person she longed to see the most was nowhere in her immediate sight. She felt her nerves on edge as she made her way to the break room and poured herself a cup of coffee. She knew the caffeine wouldn't necessarily calm her nerves but with the amount of sleep she had received the past two days she needed something to run on besides her shattered faith and torn will. She leaned against the counter and sipped her coffee, reveling in the silence of the room, which was soon shattered as the door to the break room swung open. Derek walked through the door; Addison felt a resounding sense of spite rush within her as she saw his face. He was the reason she was going through this to begin with. He glanced at her momentarily but refrained from saying anything. The look on her face made him rethink what was on the tip of his tongue. Instead he reached past her to pour himself a cup of coffee. Addison felt herself biting on the side of her mouth to the point that it almost hurt when she finally stopped and opened it.

"You're ruining my life." Addison stated coolly as she eyed him through squinted eyes.

"Oh, that's dramatic, even for you." Derek replied unenthusiastically, with little emotion in his voice.

"It's not dramatic at all, actually. You're making my life a living hell at the moment. But I know that makes no difference to you. In fact, I'm sure that's just the objective you're shooting for."

"Addison, it's much too early in the morning for this." Derek sighed as he took a deep breath, her scent made its way into his nose because of her nearness. He missed that. The way she smelled. He missed a lot of things about her. It made him nostalgic just thinking about it. Even with her grating digs at him this early in the morning.

"Let's just stop all this Derek. I mean honestly, it's not worth it. I can't stand living like this. We could never get back what we once had. Never. It's dead."

"I don't believe that." Derek affirmed gently.

"I'm not asking you to believe it. I'm telling you how it is. And the strangest part about it all is that I know you know I'm right. I just can't figure out why you won't just admit it to yourself."

"I can't do this with you right now." Derek offered simply, taking a sip of his coffee. Its heat burnt his mouth a bit.

"When do you suggest we deal with it then? I've already wasted enough time with this ridiculousness. I swear to you, Derek. I've had it up to here." Addison stated emphatically as she used her hand to signify an imaginary level near her head.

"I can't talk to you when you're like this. You're so angry." Derek observed stupidly.

"You bet your sorry ass I'm angry. I'm angry at so many things. But most of all I'm angry at myself for letting you do this to me. I won't give you the authority to ruin my life anymore, Derek. I'm so sick of it."

"I have rounds." Derek muttered lightly as he looked away from her in that moment. Their conversation was escalating more and more with each passing second and he could no longer stay in that break room for fear that she would throw something at him. He made a move to turn around but what she said next stopped him in his tracks.

"It is possible to get a divorce without the other party's signature, you know?" Addison baited him confidently. "It is more difficult but it is an option. If you keep running around in circles than that is the route I will be forced to take."

"Is that a threat?" Derek asserted as he turned back around to face her.

"It's a promise." Addison assured him firmly.

"I think you're full of it. If you really want this divorce so damn bad, how come you haven't signed the papers already?"

Before Addison could even open her mouth to reply, he continued.

"Save it. I already know why. You think that once I sign them all bets are off. You'll have to finally take responsibility for not wanting the divorce in the first place, you'll have to admit that this was all for show. You'll have to admit you still love me. You'll have to admit that you can't live without me, just like I can't live without you."

"Derek, isn't it much too early in the morning for your asinine insinuations?" Came a voice from the door. Mark stood there, eyeing Derek aggressively with his arms crossed snuggly in front of him. Both Derek and Addison were surprised to see him for they hadn't heard anyone open the door, which they could only attribute to their highly volatile conversation. Addison could feel her hands shaking as she tried to wrap her brain around what Derek had just said to her, what he had just accused her of. She felt a lump form in her throat as Derek continued to throw imaginary daggers at Mark with his eyes.

"Oh look, it's my favorite person in the world, coming to you're rescue once again." Derek lamented sarcastically. "I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised. He's probably counting the seconds until you sign those papers. I wouldn't hold my breath." Derek finished defiantly. With a final look of distain thrown Mark's way, he brushed past him leaving Mark and Addison together in the break room. Addison felt her emotions rise to the surface as soon as he left. She took a deep breath to calm her raging feelings. Mark took a step towards her with a look of concern playing on his face. He had very few moments when he felt that he truly disliked his former best friend and seeing the look on Addison's face at that moment, was one of them.

"Don't let him get to you." Mark offered gently as he searched her face.

"I hate him." Addison whispered as she fought back tears.

"Hate requires too many emotions. Maybe you should shoot for indifference?" Mark suggested gently.

Addison actually laughed at this, momentarily which made the tears in her eyes fall down her face. She quickly wiped them away.

"I'll keep that in mind." Addison replied as she took a deep breath. "I don't remember him ever being this much of a prick. It's quite disconcerting."

"Maybe he realizes what's at stake finally? After all this time?" Mark wondered softly.

"That makes absolutely no difference to me. I'm so over it, Mark. It makes me sick. A part of me will always care about him but I'm so far removed at this point. It's like he runs in circles purposely around me and the issue…just to get under my skin."

"That's the point, he knows how to get to you, what to say to push your buttons. You have to disengage him."

"I'm trying." Addison exclaimed pitifully. She could feel her emotions come to a head as her eyes welled up again. She lowered her head and took a deep clenching breath as she tried to get a hold on her emotions. Mark put a reassuring hand on her shoulder and lightly squeezed it.

"You're going to be fine, Addy. You are one of the strongest people I know."

"I doubt my strength with such severity right now." Addison said as she swallowed the developing lump in her throat.

"You will get through this." Mark assured her softly.

"I pray I do." Addison said in despair. "He's just so impossible to deal with, he walks around like he has it all figured out. I can't be with him anymore Mark. I just can't do it. I can barely stand the sight of him."

"You're going to be fine." Mark promised her sincerely as he closed the amount of space between them and tentatively put his arms around her. He wasn't entirely sure how she would react, given their unstable past. But much to his surprise and delight she leaned into him and let out a sigh of pent up frustration as she let a few more tears fall and unsteadily put a hand on his back. Mark held her tightly, stoking her back as he felt her cry against him. He had a strange bout of de ja vu as he held her and she let him do so. It reminded him when they had crossed the unmistakable line between being friends and lovers, as well as cheaters. He shook the thought from his head as she gently pulled away from him suddenly and began to wipe the tears from her face. She looked around the room quickly as if she didn't want anyone to see what had just taken place. Mark saw the concern evident on her face.

"Relax," Mark lulled gently. "We aren't doing anything wrong."

"Yeah, well it might not look like that to somebody else." Addison said wryly as she tried to compose her mess of emotions. Mark knew exactly who, in particular, she was referring to. He decided not to bring him up at that moment.

"I was trying to comfort a friend who was in need of a shoulder that's all." Mark said lightly.

"I know, I'm sorry. I just…" Addison trailed on as she ran her hands through her hair and looked away from him.

"It's okay, just if you want to talk or anything let me know. I'll always listen Addison." Mark assured her softly.

"Thank you. I'm fine though."

"Yeah, okay." Mark answered as he took one last look at her and walked out of the break room. Addison stood there silently taking a few deep breaths trying to calm her nerves. After a few moments, and once she felt like she could face the world on a somewhat normal level, she walked out of the break room and went in search of her intern.

Addison couldn't find Alex anywhere, she ran into Bailey in the corner of the 2nd floor by the nurses station after searching all the usual places she usually found Alex when she wasn't quite sure were he was.

"Miranda, do you happen to know where my intern is?" Addison asked, slightly concerned that he hadn't even shown up that day.

"OMalley's running a lab for me and then he should be on his way to find you." Bailey stated as she looked up briefly from the chart she was writing on.

"O'Malley?" Addison asked surprised.

"Yeah, I assigned him with you today, instead of Karev, he said something about wanting to be Dr. Burke's intern for today."

"He did?" Addison asked, the surprise not leaving her in the least bit. Bailey looked up at her curiously as she somehow had the feeling that this had more to do with Karev than who his replacement for the day would be.

"Yeah, he did." Bailey replied steadily. "Is that a problem?"

"No, no," Addison muttered. "Not at all, Im just used to him, I guess."

"Well, youve worked with O'Malley as well. I assure you, all interns are the same."

"Yeah, you're right." Addison said trying to mask her evident surprise.

Bailey took one last suspicious look at Addison before, brushing past her.

Addison felt completely defeated, Alex didn't even want to work with her, or around her for that matter. Things were going from bad to worse. After feeling sorry for herself momentarily she decided that having a defeatist attitude wouldn't help her situation. She had to find Alex, and she had to talk to him.

Addison finally did catch sight of Alex as he waited for an elevator on the west end of the 2nd floor. She watched him stand there, chart in hand looking up at the numbers above the elevator. She proceeded cautiously towards him, keeping a good amount of distance between them so that he wouldn't be tipped off that she was behind him. Once the elevator opened and she saw that no one was occupying it, she quickened her pace to enter it quietly behind him before he even turned around to see who had come into the elevator. Once he saw her blazing red hair and white coat he felt his heart drop. Addison hit the button to stall the elevator in between floors before looking him squarely in the eyes.

"What are you doing?" Alex asked slightly confused. He could feel his anxiety rise as he took in her presence. She hadn't been in front of him for more than 30 seconds and he felt like he was already loosing much needed ground.

"Unfortunately, pushing you into a corner, since it seems that's the only way I can get you to listen to me."

"I can't do this with you right now." Alex replied as he reached around her for the elevator panel, she anticipated his movement and caught his hand with her own. Her soft fingers intertwining with his on contact. Alex hadn't expected such a deliberate move and it stunned him. He looked at her hand in his and then up at her, he felt his heart beating in his ears. He had no outright initial refusal or reaction, he just held onto her hand and got lost in her eyes. Addison broke their intense silence.

"So now you can't even work with me?" Addison asked softly.

"I just couldn't do it today." Alex answered honestly.

"What happened to, 'I'll see you tomorrow'?" Addison questioned, the hurt in her voice was more than apparent. "You had no intension of that. You were just going to avoid me all day and hope that we didn't run into each other."

"I need time to think, I need time to clear my head and I just can't do that when I'm around you." Alex admitted sadly as he reveled in the intoxication of her closeness. He suddenly became upset with the obvious and emotionally teetering effect she was having on him. "I can't do this with you anymore. We can't see each other anymore."

"You don't mean that." Addison replied evenly.

"Yes, I do." Alex stated almost automatically.

"Then why are you still holding my hand?" Addison asked seriously. Almost like clockwork he pulled his hand away from hers. Not even being cognizant of the fact that he had been holding her hand for that entire span of time. His head and his heart weren't on the same page and it was literally driving him insane. He took a step back from her, putting some distance in between them and leaned against the railing, lining the elevator as he took a deep breath.

"I'm furious with you." Alex said honestly, his fingers gripping the railing as his built up tension cursed through his tired and overwhelmed body.

"You are completely justified in feeling that way." Addison replied.

"Don't tell me what I should be feeling. I'm not looking for allowances on how to react to the woman I'm sleeping with still being in love with her husband."

"I'm not in love with him."

"Sure, whatever." Alex bit back harshly. "Yet, he's still your husband. You're still his wife. So what does that make me, Addison? Huh? The sad piece a shit that everyone points and laughs at?"

His words cut her, deeper than she had already been cut within the last 48 hours. She knew, however that this was a defense mechanism for him, being so outright rude and presumptuous.

"I never wanted this to happen." Addison urged lightly.

"Of course not, you didn't want me to find out at all."

"The end result was going to be the same, it still is going to be the same. So what was the point in telling you something that didn't matter at the time, that still doesn't? It doesn't change anything. I'm still getting a divorce." Addison stated.

"You lied to me." Alex said plainly.

"I know and I'm sorry." Addison said lightly, her voice broke as she said it. Alex's jaw fixed tightly as he clenched it. Addison took a deep breath to try and compose herself before she became an embarrassing, blubbering mess. "I shouldn't have lied to you. I should have told you that the divorce isn't final, that neither one of us had signed yet. I should have been honest. But I didn't want to hurt you, I didn't want you to pull away from me, the way your doing now."

"Didn't you think it would hurt me more being lied to?" Alex asked sternly. "Being kept completely in the dark? I still wouldn't know if Izzie hadn't told me."

"Which she did out of complete malice, obviously." Addison spat bitterly.

"Don't do that." Alex warned calmly. "Don't make this about her. This is about me not being able to trust you. When I used to completely."

"But you can trust me," Addison implored as she took a step closer to him and gently placed her hand on his arm. This time, his reaction was immediate as he pulled his arm away from her.

"Don't touch me." Alex exclaimed firmly catching Addison off guard. She studied the serious, confusion on his face and decided that maybe they shouldn't be having that particular conversation in an elevator.

"I'm sorry." Addison muttered lightly. The actual intension behind that apology spanned further than he realized at that moment.

"Yeah, I am too. The last time we were in an elevator together things were a lot different." Alex said. "I guess it's true what they say about ignorance." He took one final look at Addison and could tell that she couldn't fathom what to say in response to that. He stood up straight, walked the couple steps toward the panel and hit the button to start up the elevator again. Addison turned around to face the elevator doors because she couldn't continue to look at him at that moment, for fear of completely breaking down in hysterics. They rode the rest of the elevator ride in silence and as soon as the doors opened, they both walked out and went two separate ways.


End file.
